Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's Faturday!

I know of someone who went to N'Awlins this week, and it reminded me of one specific event at my past job. 

We bought light towers from a company in N'Awlins, and to show their gratitude, the sales rep and an officer of the company came out to our store to cook some authentic grub.

The sales rep ( expect the exec to cook?) grabbed a HUGE wok that he apparently brought with him, loaded an empty 55 gallon metal drum we had on hand with coal, and cooked some of the best sausage and shrimp jambalaya I have ever had. I think just standing there watching him cook dinner in a 55 GALLON FREAKING DRUM might have enhanced the flavor. 

This then reminded me of the Cajun Colonel Sanders (trademark pending) himself, Justin Wilson. If any of you have not heard Justin Wilson, I Garontee that you won't understand a fucking word he says.....but he knows how to cook Cajun food! Too bad vamps, werewolves, fairies, and witches are overrunning Louisiana now.....

Justin Wilson's Jambalaya


Thursday, October 27, 2011

The 3 Things....I Have to Remember About My "Tween" Child.

My daughter is getting older, and is beginning to put her toes in the pool of feminine hygiene....*shiver*. As she gets older, the way I interact with her is evolving....or is it?

The 3 things I have to remember about my child getting older...

1. HORMONES. Lots of them. Uncontrollable fits of rage turned to sobbing apologizing sessions. Children's bodies are changing, and that, inevitably makes their brain's chemistry change too. It's like me looking at a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger. First I cry because of the sheer cheesy awesomeness that it contains, then I get angry that my diet doesn't have anything this great, then I get reflective, and remember all the good times, me and BUC had that one band camp.

Anyways, for you parents that have already gone through this, I'm sorry about everything I've ever said about you being crazy behind your backs. Amen.

2. She is still the same person. Once I get past the hormones and the attitudes, I realize that she's still the sweet little girl we raised. Here's an example: (my wife will probably kill me for divulging this information, but it proves my point). We have a vacation "bucket", where we throw our change when we get home. Recently, Amanda has had the opportunity to take an extended learning class in another state, and wants to bring the family along. To boost the economy of our vacation bucket, we invited the children to add any money they wanted to donate to the family. Remember, this is THIER money that they did odd jobs for.

This is the most awesome Odd Job EVER.

Anyways, my daughter put in a sizable sum. A few days later, she was acting strangely, offering information about her friend who gave her money to buy books at the school book fair. My wife and I went all Batman detective style and found some money to be missing out of the bucket. When we confronted her, she broke down, admitted to taking the money, and accepted that she was going to be punished. I sat back, satisfied at the justice that was about to be doled out....and then it hit me. I asked what she bought with the money. She went to her room, came back out with 4 books. She had bought books for her siblings to keep them occupied in the car for the trip. There was no doubt about it, either, these books were for her siblings.

Mr. Sieckman! I'm shocked! Didn't we just remove your head from your ass?!?

She was lightly punished for not telling the truth.......but yeah, I felt like a jackass.

3. Peer Pressure. Kids that like school like it because they hang out with their friends. These friends may or may not have the same restrictions imposed on them by their das fuhrers. Because they are not cut from the same cloth, kids want to emulate the people that they are friends with, lending them to push the attitude threshold when confronted. For example (this didn't happen, btw). 

Daughter: "I'm wearing makeup to school"

SooperDad: " you're not."

Daughter: "Whhhhyyyyyy?? Everyone is doing it!"

SooperDad: "That's because they're sluts, honey. And the boys that do that don't know you exist anyways."

Above: The opposite of awesome parenting.

So again, parents of teenagers past and present, I salute you. I think the only way you guys got through it is because drugs and alcohol were so much cheaper back then.....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

WWW Wednesday!


Sorry I haven't been posting, but as I explained on my Facebook page, I was busy helping the elderly, saving the rainforests, building strong infrastructures for third world countries, tutoring children with learning disabilities, out charity-ing Oprah (is that even a word?), and running the latest anti-establishmentarianism (oh yeah, I used it) campaign, #OccupyAwesomeness.

Anyways, today's www.Wednesday link I believe I have used here before, but I like it so much. The site is called Rap Genius. Here's the concept:

Take a rap song.

Analyze lyrics. 

Explain rap song to intellectuals.

Be awesome.

For fun, I took a rap song that we all should know, Sugar Hill Gang's "Rapper's Delight". Here are some of the explanations of the lyrics:

Lyric - "See I am Wonder Mike and I'd like to say "hello"

To the black, to the white, the red and the brown, the purple and yelloW"

Explanation: "Wonder Mike implies no racial barriers to the enjoyment of his music, including Grimace, Barney the Dinosaur, or Prince"

Lyric - "I got a color TV so I can see

The Knicks play basketball"

Explanation - "Back in the day (1979), having a color TV was pretty common in American households. But they were nothing compared to what they are now. They didn’t come in 20 different sizes & in multiple types (digital, LCD, plasma, LED, 3D) and color quality wasn’t great. There were no video games (at least that you could play on your TV like Xbox and PlayStation) for us to play for hours on end. There wasn’t 300 channels of mostly shit and there was no choice of TV providers out of a list of hundreds. Back then, the only thing that was on was the news, sport games, and a few cartoons (part of the reason why kids in the 70s spent most of their time outside).

They looked like this:

If he was to say that line today, i would probably go like this:

…I got an HDTV so I can see…"

How about a newer song? 50 Cent's In Da Club, you say? 

Lyric: "If you watch how I move you'll mistake me for a player o r pimp
Been hit with a few shells but I don't walk with a limp

Explanation - "50’s been shot a few times, but he still carries himself like a well-sexed man — he does not limp (not surprising since he got shot in the head)

What’s strange is that a “pimp walk” often involves a limp or at least the illusion of a limp; counter-intuitive, no?"


Lyric -"If the niggas hate then let them hate and watch the  money pile up"
Or we can go upside your head with a bottle of bub'

Explanation - "So, if they hate you have two options:

  1. Let them hate, and watch the money pile up
  2. Hit them in the head with a champagne bottle

The choice between these two, of course, was a common source of disagreement between Martin Luther King and Malcolm X



As you can see, you can probably waste a good couple of hours laughing at some of the explanations derived from these lyrics. Sucks for your boss, but good for your soul.



Friday, October 21, 2011


This week, some SooperFans decided to get me a gift. Meet Roxy Starr.......yup. Roxstar.

She's a purebred Queensland Heeler, and uber-cute. The fam is in love, but I'm trying to train her to be my awesome henchperson. Amanda wouldn't let me name her Mrs. Bigglesworth :(

WTF!? Isn't she cute?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The 3 Things...Our Children's Children Won't Learn In School


Back online! Thanks to a VERY generous donation by an unknown benefactor (Thanks, Mom and Dad), I am once again able to grace all of you with my brilliance!

Parent-Teacher Conferences this week! (Yay...) Has anyone ever had the teacher tell them, "Your kid is a vicious procrastinator, disrupts learning constantly, and is just a threat to future society as a whole"? No?? Just me?

Anyways, the meetings got me thinking about what our grandchildren will not have to learn that we had to learn....

1. Penmanship

It's a fact of life that technology renders pen and paper communication near obsolete. We grew up with book reports, essays, and diaries. Our grandchildren will only know .docs, .pdfs, and .txts. My kids do a lot of writing in class, but I read about schools installing more computers, and even using iPads to perform their schoolwork. Think about it. Kids don't even have to pass notes in class anymore. Texting takes care of that. When are our grandchildren going to have to put pencil to paper, besides.....well.....never.

2. How to compose a sentence. 

See that green squiggly line? Right-click and change. Grammar checking has become more and more common in standard software such as word processing, browsers, and even some chat clients. The ability to determine grammar mistakes by a computer virtually guarantees that our grandchildren won't have to learn how to properly conjugate verbs, and still sound like a CEO.

3. Deadlines

Again, back to technology, but it seems like it's the driving force behind societal changes at the moment. Future children won't need deadlines, because thanks to the internet, social media, and other networking platforms, assignments, meetings, possibly classes, tests, etc. will all be in real-time. The way they will turn in an assignment will be to upload a file when complete. Sure there may be the 100 page essay (they won't have to cram words into the margin to finish a sentence. Sigh.), but for the most part, they will be able to complete and grade assignments in real time, over a digital connection.

I feel so old. I still remember records. My parents owned an 8-track player. We had a TV with KNOBS.......ugh.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

WWWTF Wednesday

Yesterday, my PC took a dirt nap, and today, my netbook decided to try my coffee as a keyboard accessory. Hence, I cannot post any relevant website reviews today because I refuse to subject my only electronic device left, my phone, to possible accidental damage by my hands. Very unawesome. Sorry folks.

Monday, October 17, 2011

First Impressions

So, apparently it takes me 72 hours to recover from a 24 hour event. I had fun doing the Extra Life event, and look forward to next year! Sorry for not keeping up. Now, back to the awesome!

So, I have some single friends and family, and after speaking to them, it's apparent that women are misleading guys on first date small talk to try to get a second date out of it (or more). Seeing as how I haven't had a first date in about 15+ years, I decided to enlighten my SooperFans. 1Men are like a Rorschach Test, we say the first thing that pops into our awesome heads.

Boobs. I see boobs.

Here's some examples:

Man's Question: "So what do you do for a living?"

Women's Answer: "I'm in the Entertainment industry."

This vaguely worded answer is one of the worst answers ever. If he asked you what industry you were in, this would be an acceptable answer. If you work at a laundromat, say you work at a laundromat, you are most definitely NOT in the "Textile industry".

Back to the question. Here's what the woman ACTUALLY MEANT:

What she should have said: "I'm a highly skilled technical producer for the local television station, and I have worked on various portions of network programs as well."

Here's what the guy's FIRST THOUGHT was:

I see boobs.

Next question: 

Man: "What do you like to do for fun?"

Woman: "I love movies."

Again. Do you like to watch movies? Do you love all kinds of movies? 

Heres what the woman ACTUALLY MEANT:

"I love foreign romance movies. I ONLY WATCH foreign romance movies. I think subtitles are great, and I have no problem with the culture barriers that exist because I am transcendant of everything that exists to hold me back. We are all one."

Here's what the guy's FIRST THOUGHT was:

I see b....movies.

Finally......guys, when women say "My dream guy has to have a good sense of humor", I know for a FACT that this is the "sense of humor" they are basing that on.

Yes, Amanda, I get it. Yeah. He's funny. No, I'm never going to look like him. Especially in a pair of jeans. I have no ass (thanks Dad!). I'm still working on the sense of humor thing, though. ;)

Friday, October 14, 2011


Last week, SooperFan Brenda DLR pointed this CHILDREN'S EVENT out to me at our local Bass Pro Shop.

First of all, the event is sponsored by PBR, which stands for either Pretty Ballsy Ropers, or Professional Bull Riders (no, hipsters, it doesn't ALWAYS mean Pabst Blue Ribbon). Second of all, they are giving away COWBELLS to the first 150 CHILDREN......

As a parent, there has not been a moment in time where I thought to myself "C'mon kids, let's get there early, so we can get this free gift that is going to drive me insane when you create noise until all hours of the night. The neighbors are going to love you for waking up thier baby from it's nap when I let you out front with said loud noise-making device. Then, one day, the device will mysteriously disappear, leaving you in tears, and me feeling guilty that I threw that fucker about 400 yards in whatever direction I was facing after you fell asleep the night before."

And the other object, on the left side....there's an event called "Color Your Kickers" sponsored by a boot company.............

The only "Kickers" I know of were a derogatory reference to cowboys when I was in high school. We called them Shitkickers. But hey, what better way to teach children to embrace that derogatory stereotype and showing them how to be full of manners and having them call thier boots SHITKICKERS. Am I the only one that sees this?

Happy Friday, y'all!

P.S. Last day to help me reach my goal for my Extra Life event tomorrow! Please donate anything you can!!!!




Thursday, October 13, 2011

Zombie Househusbands

Holy crap! Another week almost gone already. Maybe it's the fact that I sleep less than 5 hours a night that tricks me into thinking the weeks go slower than they do.

"Thanks for walking us to school, Dad!"

The 3 things about insomnia (to tell your dumbass friends and/or children when they accuse you of being dumb):

#1 - Doing something productive while you're NOT sleeping does not mean you're staying awake on purpose.

Look, it's either stare at the ceiling for the next 6 hours, read through the 3 week backfeed in my RSS reader, or finally get that achievement for harvesting 7 million crops in a night. I'd rather not just lay there and stare at the ceiling. 

On a side note, when you do just lay there, does your brain go nuts thinking about irrational crazy shit? Something like, "Was that a car door? Who the hell gets home this late? Maybe it's a home invasion, and they're parking down the street. I should make sure I can get to my gun. But if I get up, won't I throw a shadow to the front of the house? I have a pen in my nightstand. I'll just stab them to death. I wonder what obituaries say for death by Pilot. I love Pilot G6 pens. They are God's gift to writing utensils. I think I'm going to handwrite everything from now on. Ugh. Now I need paper to write all this stuff down."

#2 - "Micronaps" are perfectly normal

So yes, occasionally I nod off like a geriatric for 2-4 minutes at a time. I feel special when I do it, like I'm one step closer to being a full-on narcoleptic. Now if I felt the same way about being so close to having Tourette's.......

#3 - I would prefer not taking medication to sleep......unless your mom comes to visit.

When I was a kid, Benedryl was the only thing that really worked on my allergies. The downside? I was incapacitated for about 72 hours. But that sleep was the deepest, most restful sleep I have ever gotten. Now, I can't be that comatose because of the kids, chores, responsibiliblahblahblah. Besides, I think if I was really that deep asleep again, I would probably wake up to a hospital bed and a frazzled wife. 

So....I'll just keep plowing through my days, and living my nights high on the farm. Until 3 a.m. Yay.

Have a good Thurdsay!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Spending A Little Means A Lot....


With my own charity event fast approaching (This Saturday!!), I decided for this WWWednesday post to promote 5 websites where you can give small sums of money to do cool stuff.

I know everyone's money is tight and expendable income (if any) is next to none. That's where these sites come in. You can donate a little, and help make a big difference in someone's life (or a lot of people's lives!)

#5 - Kickstarter is that show Shark Tank, but on the internet. Remember that show? People put together their business presentation, and investors decided whether or not to help fund their dream. Kickstarter is exactly like that. Regular people put together a presentation on what they want to do with YOUR money, and you choose whether or not to support them (financially). The really cool thing is most of these projects have perks for their backers at different levels, for instance, this project below is for a vegan magazine ('re starting to influence me, Maggie!). For just a $1 donation, you get your name and website link on thier "backer" page of their website! Not a bad investment to get your name in front of a targeted market segment.....just sayin'

#4 - Kiva is a microloan site, which means you donate $25 to a specific person or group, and they REPAY you. The goal here is to keep loaning the $25 to help as many people as you want to. Very cool website helping both the less fortunate AND the entrepreneurs mostly in third world countries. Oh yeah, and they have a better repayment rate than the ENTIRE MORTGAGE INDUSTRY.

Since Kiva was founded in 2005:

  • 630,692 Kiva lenders
  • $249 million in loans
  • 98.87% Repayment rate

Not bad, peeps. Learn more here.

#3 - Donors Choose

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside....... is a website where teachers around the country upload the projects they would like to do with their classes, and people can donate to fund those projects. Let's face it, for all the awesome they are, teachers don't really get what they need. Creative, motivated teachers need help from outside sources. I know a lot of teachers that spend thier own money on supplies for thier classes. Guys, they don't make a fortune, and that dedication needs to be recognized. 

Here's a project from a local high school (my kids' school didn't have any), if you care to donate!

#2 - Razoo

I'd never even heard of this site before today, but it runs along the same lines of the others, except non-profits and other foundations can set up and accept donations on They do take 2.9% as a "processing fee", which is shitty, but hey, they're trying to do some good.

#1 - Extra Life and the Most Awesome Fundraiser Ever

You guys thought you were going to get out of this without me plugging my charity? How long have you guys been reading my blog? ;) Extra life allows non-athletic introvert geeks such as myself feel important by providing them with a reason to play video games for 24 hours straight. What's that you say? Why should I donate money to play video games? Because your donations help the Children's Miracle Network, which does a lot of good for a ton of sick kids. So, on that me out by donating here to benefit Phoenix Children's Hospital!!!!!!!!

Yeah.....3 days to get me to $500. Let's do it, folks.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Seattle Just Got A Little More Dangerous.

On Sunday, a travesty of justice was committed when Phoenix Jones, a superhero that roams Seattle streets to thwart crime was arrested on four counts of assault.

Apparently, Jones' superpower is spraying citizens with a can of pepper spray.

Police confiscated his kickass black and gold costume, but it's ok, because Jones HAS ANOTHER ONE, and expects to return to incapacitating evil-doers soon.



Jones, whose real name is Benjamin John Francis Fodor, calls himself leader of the Rain City Superhero Movement and is often accompanied by a videographer who captures his crime-fighting escapades.

Well, yeah, having a videographer tag along pretty much ruins the mystique and aura of being an ALTER-EGO based superhero. And what is up with that alliance name? Don't see it yet? Here.....

RAin CIty Superhero Movement

See it now?

Oh yeah, one last thing, apparently, being a superhero has it's perks. Like 17 THOUSAND fans on your Facebook page.

OK, ok. Seventeen thousand....and one.

Have a good Tuesday!


Monday, October 10, 2011

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night...

I've recently misplaced my sunglasses, which creates a small amount of panic for me. Not because they are expensive. They're like 10 bucks from Target. It creates panic because now my wife will catch my wandering eyes when we go out. 

Ladies, if any of your men tell you they don't, they are damn liars. Don't let them fool you. They're just masters of misdirection. While they're staring at the college student in the tube top and the shorts that say PINK across her ass, they point something out to you that will hold your interest long enough for them to get thier ocular image tank topped off.

Get over it, ladies. This is how we are wired. Even your most vaulted, iconic male figure cannot resist his encoding.

Dat Ass.

And remember ladies, it's not because we don't think you're attractive, because we do. It's just because that we can't fight our nature. I mean, c'mon. Beckham is married to THIS for crying out loud, and he's still sneaking peeks of other ladies...

MANday Declaration Number One: If Thou Looks Astray, Tell Thine Mate "Get Over It."

Really ladies. Just let it go. We're not going to stop looking.....we'll just create more clever diversions to make it seem like we're not looking. 

Happy MANday!



Sunday, October 9, 2011

SooperReflections Sunday

It sucks when you have to tell someone that their surprise got ruined. :(

Having a large extended family means we get top value out of clothes. My youngest son just got handed down pajamas from my nephew that we originally bought for my 8 year old.

I used to think sushi was for hipster rich kids. I am now adjusting my budget to be able to afford it more often.

I'm going to quit buying cereal for my two youngest children. They would rather have store-brand barbecue potato chips for breakfast.

I would now like to thank Pixar for sucking every possible cent of expendable income from me.

My computer sounds like an airplane preparing for takeoff. I'm worried that it might be a small dirty bomb waiting to go off.

Sieckman children's goal for preparedness = making sure there's a roll of toilet paper BEFORE they start going.

I used to think my father was crazy because he spoke to inanimate objects and unseen people. Now I do it. And I'm beginning to relate to cartoon characters. (

Have a good Sunday!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's Faturday!

About a month ago, I learned that Denny's had added some new items to their menu. I immediately thought, "At last! Now when my friends are drunk and/or high at 3 a.m., I know that they can have comfort food!".

My second thought (of course), was a Facebook post.

Since then, some family members (yeah, I'm looking at you, Mychele) have thrown thier cardiac caution to the wind, and partaken in these dairy delights. Alas, because of my prediliction toward MY HEART STOPPING, I don't want to chance eating these dreamy delicacies, which probably taste like angel's kisses and rainbows. 

But, for my ausum readers, I have found another glorious recipe for grilled cheese. And what does this deliciousness include? Brie, ham, apples, cinnamon, and....oh yeah, F'ING CINNAMON BUNS FOR THE BREAD.

You're welcome.

Bork Bork!

Friday, October 7, 2011


Walking through the hell that is my neighborhood Wal-Mart the other day (I couldn't get out of it), and I'm struck dumb by this image...

That's right, fools! It's a MIXED MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING CENTER in my Wal-Mart. UFC better watch out...


Have a good weekend, all!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The 3 Things...

So, for Thursday's posts in the month of October (to prepare for National Novel Writing Month, I'm writing a post a day, remember?) I thought it would be interesting to narrow down a broad topic to three things. For instance, this week will be:

The 3 things...I would go back in time and tell my High School self.

#1. You are a freckled white kid. Act like it.

So, yes, I listened to gangsta rap growing up, and I wore clothing that could have accommodated me and 3 of my closest friends, what's the problem in that? 

Yes, I thought I was a "player", I "dated" a lot of "girls". But, in reality I was really a "dumbass". I had a 1984 Chevy Cavalier with the driver's side bumper crumpled from an accident.....but that didn't stop me. I threw some wheels on that bitch! I had a sound system that was most likely stolen from someone else, and thought that by playing my music loud, I was gaining respect.

What I realize looking back is that my neighbors were just pissed because nobody wants to hear that shit at decibel levels that will drown out the sobs of thier mid-life crisis. Plus, I'm half deaf now. Oh, and the player thing? Yeah, that was just dumb. 

#2. Save your money in an interest-bearing account and for God's sake, buy Google when it goes to IPO.

I had a full time job my junior and senior year of high school, and I saved absolutely zero. I spent my wages on cigarettes (because smoking is cool.......right??), beer (underage is the best tasting beer EVAR!), and tricking out my pimp ride (see above). I never thought about my life after high school, or beyond. If I had saved some money, and thrown it into Google.......let's just say I wouldn't have to write a blog to try to make people laugh. I would pay people to do that.

And I would do this.....constantly.

#3. Meet as many people as you can.

I was, and still am (to a point), an extreme introvert. Growing up, I had the same circle of friends from 7th grade to 5 years out of high school. I never thought that I needed anyone else. However, through my career, and connections through family and other friends, I have met people that are almost as awesome as I am. 

The life experience each person carries is interesting to me. I like knowing people, what they do, and why they do it. I'm thankful for every one of you that has become my friend, either through this blog, or in real life. You have all made my life better.


Except this guy. He's a giant douchebag.......just kidding, Chris.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Everyday I'm Stumblin....

After Rob at ROFLCafe made this banner for me yesterday, the gauntlet was thrown down. I am going to StumbleUpon until I find the first 5 awesomest websites!

#5 - Burning ants is for sissies.

In this clip, a scientist shows the host how sunlight, concentrated by a huge mirror into a single point, can burn the F out of anything......including rocks. Yeah, I know you say "Rocks don't melt! LOL!", and this guy says "Science, bitches."

Here is how I think this project got started:

Scientist: "...and that's why I need money for this project." *passes joint*

Banker: "But what good will mankind benefit from such a project?" *PPPPUUUUUFFFFFF*

Scientist: "It will like, show people that the most destructive force in the entire universe is right above our heads every day, and that if someone wanted to mess with us, they would just have to get a really big mirror. Plus I get to melt a lot of cool shit."

Banker: "Sold! Start tomorrow."

#4 - Artists are very needy.

I stumbled across this in a different webpage, but it wouldn't let me embed video, so I had to find it on YouTube.

Sure, you wish you could do something like this to that dumbass in the movies that likes the soft glow of his trendy iphone so much he has to check it every 5 minutes to see if he's important to someone, but this is different.

First, I have never seen a string quintet (?) playing out in the open in a mall setting....I'm still trying to find the violin case into which people are supposed to throw thier money. 

Second, the guy these people harass is OBVIOUSLY INNOCENT! Look at him, he was obviously dragged there by his overbearing girlfriend/wife, and with more interest in baseball than Beethoven, he decided to ring his buddy to talk about the latest scores. Poor guy.

#3 - My First Strategy Guide

Is your child coming home from school distraught because the Rock, Paper Scissors champ of Eastside Elementary is giving him/her a hard time? 



You're welcome little geeks.

#2 - I didn't know my dad was a website designer.

Next, I stumbled on the Amazing Fact Generator from I tried it out for about 7-1/2 hours, and have now devoted my life to uncovering the conspiracy of how they retrieved every bit of useless trivial information from my father's brain. I think it had a lot of black-suited men and alien technology.

#1 - "I Shot that Mutha@#$ka up........with knowledge!"

And for my last stumble of www.wednesdays, I found this list of the top 10 intellectual rappers. I paused, because this intrigued me. I always thought that a firm grasp of the english language and ability to weave tales of lore regarding drugs, hookers, and violence, was already enough to put being a rapper in the top tier of intellectual pursuits. Alas, I was mistaken. I only knew 2 of the 10, and apparently, being intellectual does not lend itself to popularity in the rap game. However, I do like #1's "handle" - Aesop Rock. Because his name references an already historic rapper.

Yes, that's Aesop Rock. The white guy with the long hair. No...really.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

You can turn Aunt Mo into Ammo!

A new Alabama company, created by two conservation officers, can now fulfill every hillbilly's dream of getting thier loved ones ashes put where they were sure to want to be before meeting thier untimely demise.


That's right, folks. Holy Smoke LLC will be happy to make your dead outdoorsman/hunter's memorial tribute one to remember. From their website: 

Planning a loved ones final arrangements can be a challenging responsibility, one you want to do with care and consideration. Allow Holy Smoke to help you create a tribute to your outdoorsperson like no other. 

We provide compassionate personal service, exceptional quality, and a truly unique memorial. Our unparalleled service and overall value are why our loyal customers won't go anywhere else. We look forward to serving you! 

By "serving you", what they mean is putting one pound of your loved one's ashes into ammunition, either shotgun shells, rifle, or pistol ammunition, so that you may then use that ammunition to hunt killing them with your loved one........

First of all, the process costs $850. And they only use one pound of ash. With weights of ashes from cremations averaging 5 lbs., that leaves 4 pounds of Uncle Jessie to either put in the kitty litter box, or buy more ammo, so that you and your favorite brother/uncle/cousin can have your hunting experiences together even longer!

From the article:

"The people we use are all experienced reloaders and know exactly what we want them to do, he said. "Only one bag of ash will be opened at a time, and the equipment will be thoroughly cleaned before the next set of remains is loaded.

Look, my father is a hunter, and he reloaded his own shells for a while. I can tell you that most likely, at least a quarter of your relative is going to get swept up off the floor.

A typical reloading bench. Not pictured: After reloading.

Oh yeah, one other problem.

People should take care in with how the meat that is shot with this ammunition is handled, cautions Robert Chapin, a toxicologist who worked for 18 years at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences.

The animal should be killed quickly by the shot, to prevent any possibility of spreading the ashes in the animal's blood, he says. The area around where the animal was struck should not be consumed.

The company puts the ashes in a hollow point rifle/pistol round, then seals the point with wax to keep the ashes in. Anyone familiar with ammunition knows that the whole purpose of a hollow point round is to do maximum damage by "mushrooming", or having the surface area of the bullet expand with resistance and basically destroy anything until it stops. Do you see why putting ashes on the end of one of these is a bad idea? You would have to lose a large portion of the meat because Uncle Jessie blew a 3" hole through the side of beef.

So, enjoy your ammo, but me and my "purdy mouth" will try something different.

**Thanks to Rob McManus at for making my banners! Check out his site, it's full of funny web series/shorts. Be sure to watch my new favorite, Jeff Lewis 5 minute Comedy Hour!**

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Great Gender Divide

Since the beginning of time, men have been hunters, we killed food to sustain life. We go to work to make the money to pay the bills to sustain life. 

So what happens when you take a hunter out of the wilds? I think I speak for all males when I say "Thank you ladies, but getting mad over not doing what you thought I was going to do is dumb."

I have been having some issues with this lately....especially with the "fairer" *chucklesnort* sex. Let's see if I can explain this.....

When women say: "You need a red shirt for my family reunion. My great-grandparents are going to be there, and they really want to meet you!"

What they expect:

What they get:

I don't see the problem here.

When women say: "Let's go out for a drink tonight. It's been a long week, and I miss you."

What they expect:

What they get:

Still unaware of a problem....

When women say: "You're making fish tonight? Awwww, you're so sweet!"

What they expect:

What they get:

Maybe she's mad because there's no tartar sauce on that plate?

When women say: "Can you put on some music? Something good.."

What they expect:


What they get:

again.....I see no problem.

When women say: "Don't get me anything for my birthday, really!"

What they expect:

What they get:


So we remember stuff 3 hours before deadline. I call this being awesome under pressure.

Ugh. Say what you want, ladies, because if you leave it up to us, you get what you get. Remember, we're the gender that used to chase down and kill WILD F'ING ANIMALS. Don't expect us to think the same way you do.