Does this make my butt look AWESOME?

Guys. We've all got the butt question before. You know, the one that your significant other asks when you're going out in public, and he/she wants to look really, really good because she's going out with your sloppy ass? "Does this make my butt look big?"

You'll have better luck explaining the tax code to a 2nd grader.

There's no right answer to this question. If you say no, you're lying. If you say yes, you're a jerk. The only way out of this catch-22 is to mumble something incoherently, and nod and agree with whatever comes out of her mouth immediately afterwards.

Now, guys. Now women have a whole new game plan. I introduce to you, D.Hedral underwear for men.

My female readership just increased by a factor of ten.

"What's so special about these chonies, SooperDad?", you ask. See that "Y" shape up there? The man-thong? Allegedly, it's to help your ass out...

D.HEDRAL underwear is designed to become your second skin.

We achieve this using our ANGLEFIT technology to create a unique shape that fits your bum perfectly. 

Ah, yes. Our "second skin". Because it's so convincing that you have the average joe's best interest in mind when you post a pic of THAT GUY wearing your male lingerie. Why not post Bubba at 250 and tout the strength of your elastic waistband holding up his beer gut? I bet your "second skin" would look FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC on Gilbert Gottfried. It's OBVIOUS who this target market is. It's not dudes like you and me, who watch football and pound bacon and fried snack foods into our gullets. 

Do these carbs make my gut look big?

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night...

I've recently misplaced my sunglasses, which creates a small amount of panic for me. Not because they are expensive. They're like 10 bucks from Target. It creates panic because now my wife will catch my wandering eyes when we go out. 

Ladies, if any of your men tell you they don't, they are damn liars. Don't let them fool you. They're just masters of misdirection. While they're staring at the college student in the tube top and the shorts that say PINK across her ass, they point something out to you that will hold your interest long enough for them to get thier ocular image tank topped off.

Get over it, ladies. This is how we are wired. Even your most vaulted, iconic male figure cannot resist his encoding.

Dat Ass.

And remember ladies, it's not because we don't think you're attractive, because we do. It's just because that we can't fight our nature. I mean, c'mon. Beckham is married to THIS for crying out loud, and he's still sneaking peeks of other ladies...

MANday Declaration Number One: If Thou Looks Astray, Tell Thine Mate "Get Over It."

Really ladies. Just let it go. We're not going to stop looking.....we'll just create more clever diversions to make it seem like we're not looking. 

Happy MANday!