MANstaches

Sorry for my sporadic posting, but I decided to get back on the ball for MANday. 

Since Movember is almost over, I thought I would make a list of the best MANstaches to date.

#5 - Sturken der Stachen

What better place to start the list than a MANstache so iconic, that it takes up most of the character's face? 

I solely thank Mr. Chef for opening my generation to Swedish culture, for if that had not happened, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series would have remained an underappreciated Swedish political opinion piece. Plus, trying to understand him was near impossible. Between him and Ozzy, I stayed off drugs so that people could understand me.

#4 - Smooth like a Colt 45

Give it up for the only black man in the original Star Wars Trilogy.

Even Kirk had a black woman on the crew.....

Anyways, this MANstache is the only reason that white people recognize an obscure brand of malt liquor, and for that, sir, you are a god amongst men.

#3 - The Asterisk

It's an asterisk because technically, it's a beard, but you tell him that.

Plus, he did a geek commercial. How awesome is that?

#2 - Smokey's Stache

Not too long ago, he shaved his MANstache, but hey, he got to look at Demi naked.....

I'll refrain from the obvious Loni Anderson jokes. (Don't ask. Just don't)

#1 - King MANstache

The only reason every kid in the 80's wanted to wear Hawaiian print shirts and drive Ferraris.

Yes, the inspiration behind my most embarrasing photo as well....

And then there are the ones that didn't quite make the cut, but need your support for thier Movember campaigns. The month is almost over, head on over to thier pages and show them some love, support Men's health!

Chris T. - looking ever so much like Uncle Rico. He's still reliving his glory days too. It's kinda sad.

My cousin, Justin P. - This guy can rock the Ron Burgandy 'stache. I've seen it.

Help out these guys reach their goal for Movember. And before you say anything, yes, ladies, you can see where all the good looks went in my family.

MANday Music Selection

Granted, I'm a little late on this one, and the song and accompanying meme and phrase have run their course, and seem to be more irritating than clever, but I'll make an exception.

Bros, I'm looking squarely at you. If you don't have a tween daughter, or an underage girlfriend with an affinity for bubble gum pop, you may not have heard Carly Rae Jepsen's song "Call Me Maybe". If you HAVE heard it, I can guarantee with about 80% certainty that you have heard it a minimum of 5000 times. Now, I'm fine with this video, because, honestly, Carly Rae isn't hard on the eyes. (ed. note: This is a personal opinion, and does not reflect on anyone affiliated with this blog.....namely, my wife.)

Damn you, Canada.

So, I was shocked to find out someone has outdone Carly Rae. Someone has finally made a video that markets this song to the exact opposite demographic it was targeted to. Hardcore, testosterone laden, beer swilling, carnivorous, Ron Swanson idolizing men, like you and me. 

How can they possibly do such a thing? - you ask. Allow me to introduce the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders singing "Call Me Maybe" (ed. note - Sorry Jets fans, but....yeah, not really)

Suddenly, my opinions about this song have changed. For all the bad press Florida has been getting lately, I'm sure this is a little welcome ray of sunshine. AND, the Dolphins PR team knows what they're doing, because the comments for this video have been disabled. Well played, Miami. 

Would you like my organ inside of you?

Going through my RSS reading, I fancied across this image, which gave me reason to pause....

I had to study it. Every inch.

If you can't read the copy, it reads "Becoming a donor is probably your only chance to get inside her". 

Obviously, with my heart issues, I cannot be a donor anymore, but family and friends have signed up to be donors since my health issues, and for that, I am thankful.....now, back to the ad.

This is the best advertisement by a government entity (albeit Belgian government) to get people to donate organs EVER. And before you ladies get all huffy about sexism or whatever it is you guys bitch about when us men are enjoying advertisements for charities, organ donations, adopting puppies, or whatever good cause we enjoy staring at half naked women for, here are a few reasons why this is the best ad ever.

First off, this ad is from 2008, and while racy, gets the attention of a whole gender. Oh, by the way, the gender the ad is aimed at is found to have better organ compatibility with both genders, so that organs donated by males are typically less-rejected than female organs.

Closer to my wheelhouse, it has also been found that when looking at hearts donated to same-sex patients, males have "significantly improved short- and long-term survival" while "no survival advantage was seen for women with same sex donors".

Now, let's also make sure that it's said that men are typically reluctant to sign up to be organ donors, and therefore, ads like this trying to prod males to register to be organ donors are HELPING the cause, not trying to piss women off. So get over it.

Besides.....she's hot.

Official Man's Weekend Announcement

So, in case you haven't heard from your wife, girlfriend, mistress, maid, waitress, or secretary, there's a movie coming out on June 29th called "Magic Mike".



Yeah....a movie with Channing Tatum and Wooderson as male strippers. As my wife said, "The theater will be full of women and gay guys. My kind of people."

I submit to you, dear SooperDoods, that this gives us ample reason to designate June 29-July 1 "MAN'S WEEKEND". Why a full weekend? Well, all the desperate housewives are going to go watch the movie on the 29th, then cluck about it in their playdate groups for the rest of the weekend anyways, so they won't even notice. So find a sitter, most likely will have to be a teenager, or your older son, since your mother will probably be going to see the movie also.......like mine *shiver*.

Now, let's set forth an agenda for said "MAN'S WEEKEND".

June 29th - Dinner and Drinks with the MEN.

A fine gastric and beer sampling experience is the perfect way to offset your wife's film-based hormonal substitute. May I suggest a little place to begin that is near and dear to my heart....The Tilted Kilt?

She's holding three of my favorite things. With only one hand.

June 30 - Movie night at home

After a hard night of looking at half naked women bringing you food and drinks, it may be hard to snap back to reality. Luckily for you, your significant other will still be swooning over the pecs, abs, and oiled up CGI in that shit movie, so it's time for you to view some real cinematic treasures. Take a look at SooperDad's list, and use what you like.

• Showgirls - a wonderful cinematic adventure through the eyes of Jesse Spano as she struggles to become the best in her field. A feel good story about the coming of age of a teen idol.
• Wild Things - a thriller in which Neve Campbell and Denise Richards are thrown into a love triangle that forces them to make out with each other.
• Poison Ivy II - The sequel was better than the original as Alyssa Milano is misjudged as a troubled teen while being proud of her body. A movie about having self-esteem and being proud of your body.

July 1 - Golf

Golf and drinks with the men. Although, the cart girl will have probably had the vapors also, so the cart dude will drink with you.

Enjoy your time, men. There's no telling when another chance like this will come around again.

iMANginative....

This product absolutely, positively, without a doubt HAS to exist. Someone has to take this parody and run with it.

I think they craft Kryptonite here...

This weekend, the family and I hit our local mall, and visited the seventh circle of Hell, otherwise known as Charming Charlie's. 

I knew something was wrong when upon entering, the overwhelming smell of cat lady nearly knocked my olfactory sense into submission.

Here's what this store is - according to the ladies: 

Charming Charlie is a fashion accessory boutique that has been delighting women of all ages since 2004. Through a unique blend of fun, style, color and affordability, Charming Charlie helps shoppers pull together their look through the key finishing touches – earrings, necklaces, bracelets, handbags, scarves, belts ... in a fun, boutique environment.

Let me describe it for the fellas:

Remember those plastic rings and shitty gold-tinted bracelets you used to get from the quarter machines at the store?

These ones.

Apparently, whatever cartel stuffed these things with the jewelry decided that the quarter gig wasn't working anymore, and decided to open a "boutique" and charge 80,000% profit margin on thier crap.

AND they seperate it by color.

This is either the html codes for colors, or a Charming Charlie store layout. Guess which.

What really got me though, was standing in this store for OVER A FREAKING HOUR watching the retired cougars (yes, they might have been cougars once.....last century) go apeshit over this crap.

......and I was sick of being a model. Damn my good looks.

The Evolution of Not So Manly Dancing

As I was cleaning the garage today (Very Manly.), a song came on with a dance/club beat, and I immediately jumped into my highlighter dance routine (Not So Manly, it will make sense later). After thinking about it, I noticed the trend of dancing subcultures that were considered wierd at the time....and not too manly.

The 70's - Disco

Let's face it, nobody wanted to admit they went to a disco hall to "cut a rug". If you needed a polyester jumpsuit and a huge mirror ball to feel manly, well then you're a manlier man than I, fine sir.

Testicles not necessary.

The 80's - Breakdancing

Actually, this might be the only really manly dancing in this list....who else is going to throw down a 1/8" piece of flimsy cardboard on a slab of concrete and spin ON HIS FREAKING HEAD.

Testicles EXTREMELY necessary.

The 90's - Rave

The beginning of Emo (in my opinion), Raves were kids who were too cool to go to a club to dance, so they went out into the desert or somewhere remote that nobody could find (even the people that wanted to go), and got drunk and danced like idiots. Here is where my highlighter dance comes in. I have people that can attest to my mad rave skills.

Little Timmy went on to become the most awesome Flight Deck Coordinator the Navy had ever seen.

The 00's - Dubstep

I must be getting old....what the......I don't even know what this is. *shaking head*

Testicles again not necessary.....wubwubwubwubwub.

MANstaches

Sorry for my sporadic posting, but I decided to get back on the ball for MANday. 

Since Movember is almost over, I thought I would make a list of the best MANstaches to date.

#5 - Sturken der Stachen

What better place to start the list than a MANstache so iconic, that it takes up most of the character's face? 

I solely thank Mr. Chef for opening my generation to Swedish culture, for if that had not happened, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series would have remained an underappreciated Swedish political opinion piece. Plus, trying to understand him was near impossible. Between him and Ozzy, I stayed off drugs so that people could understand me.

#4 - Smooth like a Colt 45

Give it up for the only black man in the original Star Wars Trilogy.

Even Kirk had a black woman on the crew.....

Anyways, this MANstache is the only reason that white people recognize an obscure brand of malt liquor, and for that, sir, you are a god amongst men.

#3 - The Asterisk

It's an asterisk because technically, it's a beard, but you tell him that.

Plus, he did a geek commercial. How awesome is that?

#2 - Smokey's Stache

Not too long ago, he shaved his MANstache, but hey, he got to look at Demi naked.....

I'll refrain from the obvious Loni Anderson jokes. (Don't ask. Just don't)

#1 - King MANstache

The only reason every kid in the 80's wanted to wear Hawaiian print shirts and drive Ferraris.

Yes, the inspiration behind my most embarrasing photo as well....

And then there are the ones that didn't quite make the cut, but need your support for thier Movember campaigns. The month is almost over, head on over to thier pages and show them some love, support Men's health!

Chris T. - looking ever so much like Uncle Rico. He's still reliving his glory days too. It's kinda sad.

My cousin, Justin P. - This guy can rock the Ron Burgandy 'stache. I've seen it.

Help out these guys reach their goal for Movember. And before you say anything, yes, ladies, you can see where all the good looks went in my family.

MANic MANday!

After having some technical difficulties in the SooperHowseHold, I realized that, while having a lot of talents, technological prowess isn't in the ladies' skillsets.

Sure, some ladies are above average for their gender when it comes to computers and other electronic gadgets, but for the most part........

Let's just say the term "IT Guy" is in our lexicon for a reason...

My 2 year old son can delete, reinstall, and organize my apps on my Android. My 10 year old daughter gives up if the computer is password locked. Even though she knows the password.

Look, ladies, I know what you're thinking..."I got to your stupid ass blog well enough. I know how to navigate my extremely confusing, somewhat scary, and altogether mysterious box you call a 'computer'. I just plug in the internet cable, go to the big blue E on my screen, and type in 'awesomeblog.com'. That IS your IRL isn't it? Then it takes me to a search screen, I go to your Facebook page, and find your blog from there. That's the only way to get to it right?"

Leave the technical stuff to the fellas. We are happy to take care of it for you. The only way we would want you to have as much technical knowledge as us is if kitchen appliances required it. Ed note: Notice how those "smart" appliances aren't on the market yet? Just sayin.....

  As for men's patience when helping the fairer sex with technical issues.......see below.

 

MANic MANday

Men are competitive by nature. God was probably trying to one-up someone when he gave men that trait. A good example of the competitiveness is shown in the movie The Jonses, when neighbors have to get the newest toy to keep up with the Joneses (I see what they did there.) For not a lot of fanfare (I didn't hear anything about it, just stumbled upon it one night), it's actually a pretty good flick.

Lumberg is laughing because his movie is still quoted heavily in popular culture. Poor Mulder.

Anyways, men have recently taken over traditional Thanksgiving dinners. I don't know when, why, or how it happened, but I have my conspiracy theory that a woman came up with the turkey frier to get out of doing Thanksgiving dinners, and the rest is history...and dangerous.

Nothing says "Thanksgiving" like 1st degree burns!

Me, being the SooperAusum manly man that I am, I am thinking about doing Thanksgiving dinner this year. Not frying, because I think one major trip to the hospital per year is good enough, thank you. I'm going more for content....which is why I introduce you to......

The Turducken

That's right. A chicken stuffed into a duck, which is stuffed into a turkey. Why? Because we're men. You're welcome.

P.S. - I apologize to my vegan friends, especially Maggie and Mike, who probably feel 10 kinds of violated by the above picture. But...it's still AWESOME!

First Impressions

So, apparently it takes me 72 hours to recover from a 24 hour event. I had fun doing the Extra Life event, and look forward to next year! Sorry for not keeping up. Now, back to the awesome!

So, I have some single friends and family, and after speaking to them, it's apparent that women are misleading guys on first date small talk to try to get a second date out of it (or more). Seeing as how I haven't had a first date in about 15+ years, I decided to enlighten my SooperFans. 1Men are like a Rorschach Test, we say the first thing that pops into our awesome heads.

Boobs. I see boobs.

Here's some examples:

Man's Question: "So what do you do for a living?"

Women's Answer: "I'm in the Entertainment industry."

This vaguely worded answer is one of the worst answers ever. If he asked you what industry you were in, this would be an acceptable answer. If you work at a laundromat, say you work at a laundromat, you are most definitely NOT in the "Textile industry".

Back to the question. Here's what the woman ACTUALLY MEANT:

What she should have said: "I'm a highly skilled technical producer for the local television station, and I have worked on various portions of network programs as well."

Here's what the guy's FIRST THOUGHT was:

I see boobs.

Next question: 

Man: "What do you like to do for fun?"

Woman: "I love movies."

Again. Do you like to watch movies? Do you love all kinds of movies? 

Heres what the woman ACTUALLY MEANT:

"I love foreign romance movies. I ONLY WATCH foreign romance movies. I think subtitles are great, and I have no problem with the culture barriers that exist because I am transcendant of everything that exists to hold me back. We are all one."

Here's what the guy's FIRST THOUGHT was:

I see b....movies.

Finally......guys, when women say "My dream guy has to have a good sense of humor", I know for a FACT that this is the "sense of humor" they are basing that on.

Yes, Amanda, I get it. Yeah. He's funny. No, I'm never going to look like him. Especially in a pair of jeans. I have no ass (thanks Dad!). I'm still working on the sense of humor thing, though. ;)

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night...

I've recently misplaced my sunglasses, which creates a small amount of panic for me. Not because they are expensive. They're like 10 bucks from Target. It creates panic because now my wife will catch my wandering eyes when we go out. 

Ladies, if any of your men tell you they don't, they are damn liars. Don't let them fool you. They're just masters of misdirection. While they're staring at the college student in the tube top and the shorts that say PINK across her ass, they point something out to you that will hold your interest long enough for them to get thier ocular image tank topped off.

Get over it, ladies. This is how we are wired. Even your most vaulted, iconic male figure cannot resist his encoding.

Dat Ass.

And remember ladies, it's not because we don't think you're attractive, because we do. It's just because that we can't fight our nature. I mean, c'mon. Beckham is married to THIS for crying out loud, and he's still sneaking peeks of other ladies...

MANday Declaration Number One: If Thou Looks Astray, Tell Thine Mate "Get Over It."

Really ladies. Just let it go. We're not going to stop looking.....we'll just create more clever diversions to make it seem like we're not looking. 

Happy MANday!