Friday, January 25, 2013

FFS Friday!

In case you guys didn't hear, I have a dog in this year's Super Bowl hunt. The Niners made it in with a rookie QB, and a sick case of the runs. (Get it?)

So, I came across this video, some of you may have seen it already, but it's a Norwegian dude doing insane things with a football. Which is weird, because I didn't know football was big in Norwegia.

Trick shot videos are nothing new, but this guy is good. On the other hand, he's a kicker, and if you had to pick the least favorite position on a football team, it would be the kicker 99 times out of a hundred. Kickers are the guys that took their sister to prom. No kid wants to grow up to be Sebastian Janikowski or Scott Norwood. Is the Patriots kicker married to a supermodel? Didn't think so.

But. FFS, this guy is good.

Have a good weekend, y'all. Soop OUT.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Little Nerds.

As my friend The Bitchy Housewife would gladly tell you, I am a nerd. I play video games, I watch Doctor Who, I like comic books, so apparently, I am a nerd.

So when my favorite local artist announced that he and another artist would be doing Spongebob sketches today, I thought my kids would enjoy some original art. Custom sketches. Meaning Spongebob could be anything.

Before I tell you what they wanted, let me remind you of Big Chris. He's the awesome artist that was cool to my kids and I at the Phoenix Comicon last year. He has given his work to charity, overcome huge obstacles.....and now has a Little Wood on the way with his lovely wife, Beth.

And the dude is so humble, friendly, and awesome, even while having the physicality of a professional wrestler. He colored my kids' sketch while joking with them, talking with me, and the rest of the small crowd gathered there. His wife Beth talked to us at length while we were waiting.....and the best part....

They asked if I was gonna blog about it.

Of course, I played it off like no big deal, but how can I let that go? I mean, really? This grinch's heart grew three sizes today.

So, thanks to Vince DePorter, Chris and Beth Wood, and Hero Comics, this is what my kids asked for:

I win at parenting.

Friday, January 18, 2013

FFS Friday!!

I just overheard this on the radio here locally, and had to check it out for myself.

Some of you may remember when I volunteered in my 4th grader's class, and saw a child wearing a shirt with this:

A thinly veiled threat.

For those of you that are unaware, this is Arizona State University's new "marketing" campaign. The "hand gesture" is supposed to be a pitchfork, which is the Sun Devil's weapon of choice. Shouts of "Fork 'Em" have been heard at Sun Devil Stadium for years.......but this is different. Again, for those unaware, let me show you what this hand gesture means on the streets, yo (I'm so hood):
The shocker, also known colloquially as "two in the pink, one in the stink"[1][2] is a hand gesture with a sexual connotation.[3] The ring finger and thumbare curled or bent down while the other fingers are extended. The index and middle fingers are kept together (touching) and the back of the hand faces outwards (away from the gesturer). The gesture refers to the act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the little finger into the receiver's anus, hence the "shock".

So, imagine my surprise to see this in a 4th grade classroom. NOW, I hear that some schools have taken to twitter to further support their sports programs. How, you ask? Let me introduce you to Sundevilboobs.

It's pretty tame, actually. No nudity (that I saw), just a bunch of women in ASU gear, throwing up the "pitchfork". Way to solidify yourselves as an institute of higher education, ASU. On the other hand, the school did slip some spots in the coveted Playboy Top Party School poll last year, so maybe this is an attempt to redeem themselves.

Oh, by the way, they're not the only school with this Twitter campaign. The Iowa Hawkeyes, University of Illinois, Louisville, University of West Virginia, UNLV, and Kansas State also have similar pages. your support ladies! Your dads are all very proud of what you've accomplished by supporting your school!


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Visit to the Gym...

After my gym rage yesterday, I decided to dictate my observations, being a gym newbie. There are all types of people that use the gym I go to.....but I have a feeling some of these generalizations fit in gyms everywhere. And before you get all huffy, these generalizations are not gender specific. Women can be just as scary in the gym too. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

The Resolutionary

Apparently, the Resolutionaries are pretty much dreaded in the gym community. These are the people who apparently make their resolutions, go to the gym at apparently the same time as everyone else that matters, and then disappear a few weeks later. I am in this category, btw, until apparently, I get accepted by the other gym goers. I think they jump me in or do some weird Lord of the Flies ceremony or something. I'm waiting for my invite.

Next year, I'm going to start renting more movies or something. This shit sucks.

The Diva

Designer "workout" clothes, not one hair out of place, and a strong dislike of that pesky sweat ruining their makeup identify the divas. If you are unsure you are a diva, here's a quick and dirty litmus test.

If you spend more time primping yourself to go to the gym than actually exercising at the gym, you're a diva.

Notice there's no pics of her actually working out? Just sayin.

I thought it was physically impossible for divas to walk and talk at the same time, but sure as shit, for the hour on the treadmill, they usually have their phones (complete with bedazzled case) to their heads for the duration. I'm not sure if these people are going to the gym to pick up a partner, but here's a hint. 90% of the people there don't give a shit of your brand of workout clothes. Just because it says "Juicy" across your ass doesn't mean that we all swoon. And, it's false advertising. I feel so violated.

The Creeper

Creepers usually sit at a station, but the time spent idle at that station far surpasses the time actually used on the station. The "rest period" is spent ogling the other gym patrons. Not even stealth ogling, either. Flat out staring like Ron Swanson stares at bacon. You can spot Creepers by an inordinate amount of sweat that is pouring from them, even though they haven't exercised yet. The bold Creepers will offer to "assist" other gym patrons. Let me tell you something. When they ask if you need a spot...............just say no.

This is not "spotting" you, ladies.
Creepers are usually spotted around the yoga, Zumba, or spin classes. Don't ask how I know. Just don't.

The Workout Hipster

This sight also struck me last night. The Workout Hipster uses the equipment in the proper manner......until they decide to switch things up. I get working out different muscle groups by switching your routine, but walking backwards on the treadmills while doing dips on the handrails is just odd. I'm all about efficiency, but  you can space those out a little in order to avoid those scared, confused looks thrown by people going the correct way on the treadmills. Also....exercise balls do not belong on elliptical machines. Just a tip.

The only acceptable use of backward walking on treadmills.

The Gorilla

The Gorilla is that guy in the gym that wants everyone to know why he's in the gym. TO GET RIPPED, BRO. He makes the most noise possible, because it's HIS gym. Between his grunts, and chants of  "One more set, bro!", the Gorilla stalks around the gym, panting and flexing like his roid contact is moving out of state. Gorillas can be found by the mirrors, admiring themselves without abandon. Don't ever struggle with your workout in the line of sight of a Gorilla. The Gorilla will point and laugh and call you a sissy. And you will get upset, until you leave and remember that you have a job and shit.

 The Silverback

For every yin, there's a yang, and the Gorilla's yang is the Silverback. Silverbacks are usually bigger than Gorillas, but have no ego issue. Instead of sneering at your workout, Silverbacks walk by, give a smile, or thumbs up in encouragement, and move along. Instead of grunting, throwing weights, and being an asshole, Silverbacks do their sets, put the equipment back, towel off, and move along. Silently. Silverbacks are what make normal people want to go to the gym. Now, if they could just kill off the Gorillas, the world would be a better place.

Way to go on your set! Want some ribs?
There ya go. Just my observations of a fat guy going to a gym in Anytown, USA.

Friday, January 11, 2013

FFS Friday

Alright, peeps, back to the funny stuff. I heard you all, and this monkey dances. Just be sure to grind that organ, will ya? (Thatsoundedsodirtybutilikeit)

Anyways, have you peeps ever woken up in the morning, and said "Self, I missed the alarm. Looks like I'm cutting the shower out of the routine this morning, because I sure as hell ain't missin' my Starbucks."?

Sometimes, it happens. I get it. The time is short, and you have responsibilities, dammit! So you find all your clothes from.............what's her face's floor, do the finger toothbrush (don't you lie, you know you've done it), and leave in order to make it to work on time. The fact that your pores are leaking the remnants of last night's margarita bender, and your breath smells like.....something that your breath should NOT smell like, don't register to you. YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK DAMMIT. RESPONSIBILITIES. Then you curse to yourself because you're probably going to be too tired to stay out until closing time tonight. Fucking responsibilities.

Then you remember. In your lack of performing hygiene, you forgot that you have messy hair. GASP! Let me introduce you to....I shit you not.....a product called "Morninghead".

There it is folks. An absorbent shower cap that you fill with water, because showering is hard, yo.
And it better be bottled water, because tap water is DISGUSTING.

They actually are trying to market this to bike commuters and motorcyclists, which is a better sell than the one-night stand escapees......but the name. I cannot with the name. Might as well just have called it the JBF* Pro Hairstylist 3000. Copyright pending, bitches.

*JBF is an acronym for those unawares. The first two words are Just Been. Figure the rest out for yourself.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

We're all broken...

I haven't written for a while, and soon you will know why.

I am physically broken. I have had major health issues (which I repeat ad nauseum, because.....I can.), and this has led me to be wary of every little sneeze, pain, ache, scrape, bump, and bruise. My body is broken. Years of neglect and abuse have taken it's toll.

I am spiritually broken. My wife and I have decided to separate, after about a year of debate. It is amicable, and both my wife and I are working on making this an easy transition for the sake of our kids. Not being able to see my kids at a moment's notice is hard, but knowing that they have a good mother that will do what it takes to make them happy, healthy, and cared for eases that.

I am mentally broken. I revert to mind numbing tasks or repetitive actions to feel like I'm doing something.....anything. I could sit and stare at a wall for 8 hours a day and be ok with that. Some days I feel like the movie Groundhog Day, some days I feel like 300.


I'm not worthless.

My body is still well enough for me to face each day. My medication helps, but my desire to be better drives me to get up, shower, and go for a walk. I can still cook. I can still type. I can still hug my children. I can still smile, and laugh, and cry. I am physically broken, but not worthless.

My spirit is rising. I know my kids are well. I know they are brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, and full of love, wonder, and attitude. I know my friends and family love me. I know that I have made new friends, and that they care about my well being. I am spiritually broken, but not worthless.

My mind is still sharp. I need to dust it out every now and then, but I can still compose words coherently, convey emotion and thought, and have intelligent debate (or not so intelligent, depending on which friend I'm debating).

I am a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. I am broken. I am not worthless.

If you are struggling...with addiction, depression, home life, physical limitations, mental issues, or any other thing you allow yourself to believe is destroying you.....KNOW. You are broken, not worthless. We are all struggling with some demon. You are not alone. You are among friends, whether you know it or not. You are not worthless.