I haven't written for a while, and soon you will know why.
I am physically broken. I have had major health issues (which I repeat ad nauseum, because.....I can.), and this has led me to be wary of every little sneeze, pain, ache, scrape, bump, and bruise. My body is broken. Years of neglect and abuse have taken it's toll.
I am spiritually broken. My wife and I have decided to separate, after about a year of debate. It is amicable, and both my wife and I are working on making this an easy transition for the sake of our kids. Not being able to see my kids at a moment's notice is hard, but knowing that they have a good mother that will do what it takes to make them happy, healthy, and cared for eases that.
I am mentally broken. I revert to mind numbing tasks or repetitive actions to feel like I'm doing something.....anything. I could sit and stare at a wall for 8 hours a day and be ok with that. Some days I feel like the movie Groundhog Day, some days I feel like 300.
I'm not worthless.
My body is still well enough for me to face each day. My medication helps, but my desire to be better drives me to get up, shower, and go for a walk. I can still cook. I can still type. I can still hug my children. I can still smile, and laugh, and cry. I am physically broken, but not worthless.
My spirit is rising. I know my kids are well. I know they are brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, and full of love, wonder, and attitude. I know my friends and family love me. I know that I have made new friends, and that they care about my well being. I am spiritually broken, but not worthless.
My mind is still sharp. I need to dust it out every now and then, but I can still compose words coherently, convey emotion and thought, and have intelligent debate (or not so intelligent, depending on which friend I'm debating).
I am a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. I am broken. I am not worthless.
If you are struggling...with addiction, depression, home life, physical limitations, mental issues, or any other thing you allow yourself to believe is destroying you.....KNOW. You are broken, not worthless. We are all struggling with some demon. You are not alone. You are among friends, whether you know it or not. You are not worthless.