Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Monkey See, Monkey Do...

As adults, we often promise ourselves that we will be better parents than OUR parents were, that we won't make the same mistakes, dole out those harsh punishments we recieved, or be as utterly and soulcrushing "uncool" as our parents were.


Then you catch yourself saying something that your parents had said to you years ago. And then you do it again. And again. And then you start listening to Barry Manilow and Barbara Streisand and thinking "Wow, this really isn't that bad". And then you make an appointment with your psychiatrist.

Here are some instances of my flashbacks:

1. The Question

This usually manifests when your child does something that you have told he/she not to do REPEATEDLY over the course of thier lifetime. Instances include, but are not limited to: 

  • running with scissors/knives/other sharp objects
  • doing somersaults that look so horrible that YOU have to visit a chiropractor
  • touching the stove or an open flame
  • running in the street without looking
  • hitting siblings and/or random strangers at the mall

The first thing that I vocalize in these situations is "The Question":

"What is WRONG with you??!?!?"

"Did the doctor drop you?!?"

"Are you trying to kill yourself?!?"

Even Captain Picard is disappointed in you, son.

2. The Life Sentence 

The life sentence usually shows after you have already punished the child for something, and the child refuses to abide by the terms of the current punishment. If you tell the child to stay in the room, you will see them peeking around corners, yelling at the top of thier lungs, kicking inanimate objects such as doors or walls, and other general horribleness.

I respond with the life sentence: 

"That's IT! You are grounded FOREVER!"

"You are never touching this again until you're 45!"

"You can get this back...........when you're done with COLLEGE!" 

Sorry, kid. The Governor can't bail you out of this one.

3. The Cinderella Clause 

Parents give their older children chores. They depend on those chores getting done to secure the last piece of thier sanity remaining. Children have a way of complaining about said chores EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, even though they have done the exact same chore for the previous 6 weeks straight. 

When this happens, and this dad is at the end of his rope, I envoke the Cinderella Clause:

"Since your brother/sister isn't complaining, maybe you should go ahead and do his/her chores too, and give him/her a night off. Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

"Keep complaining. Oh, and by the way, when you're done with that, go wash the car."

Missed a spot.

4. The Hippocratic Threat

When I was young, I had a problem with defecating. I would dread it. This was before the time when we actually knew about different conditions that would make this painful and/or uncomfortable, but my dad fixed my problem. By threatening to "fix" it with a pair of snub nosed pliers. I thought this was cruel and unusual punishment, until years later when my daughter had the same problem, and I offered THE SAME SOLUTION before I could stop the words from sliding past my teeth.

This usually involves some unprofessional medical opinion that usually scares the shit out of a child.

"Oh, your tummy hurts? It's not because you don't want to eat your broccoli? Well, then...wash your hands, we have to go get you a bunch of shots to figure out what's wrong with you."

"Whoa, whoa,'re screaming like that because you got SHAMPOO in your eyes? Well, let me go get a spoon, and we'll take those puppies out so you won't have that problem again."

"He keeps getting hangnails. Time to amputate."

5. The Conversation Ender 

This is the parental trump card, and I have a feeling its used extremely often. 

When a child is getting belligerant and won't stop, it is the parent's responsibility to assert and reinforce thier authority status.

"Because I SAID SO, that's why."


So there you have it, tenets of parenthood that need to live on. Parental wisdom that needs to carry on to future generations. Because we don't want to be the only generation that's all fucked up.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Blog Challenge: Harry Potter Wands

Having been referred to the Harry Potter book series by my niece and aunt, I voraciously read all 8 books, and have watched 6 of the movies. So when Brenda DLR posted this pin to my Blog Challenges Pintrest board, I was intrigued:

Last night, Amanda was home relatively early, so I decided to take on the Wizarding World of Paper Magic Wands.

It's pretty amazing that these were made of paper. My first thought was: "Oh great, they're going to be all flimsy and the kids are going to destroy them in about 4 minutes." As we progressed through the instructions, though, I found them to be surprisingly sturdy, which is also why I can never ever be an engineer.

The 3 older kids did thier own, and Amanda helped B with his. She asked me to Photoshop her picture, so I just touched up her cheekbones a little. 


She pulled up a recliner to the table, also.

The kids really enjoyed painting and decorating thier wands, but got impatient with the hot glue gun, and 3 of them, Amanda included, didn't bother to add the raised portions of the wand. 

Ally and her mysterious blurry wand

I didn't quite get to the point that the original picture did, because Ally wanted me to put glitter on mine. My raised portions of my wand were really small, and the only metallic paint I had was old plastic model paint in aluminum, so it didn't take too much. 


From left to right: Ally's, Kat's, Nic's

From left to right: Nic's, Brody's, Dad's

While they were drying, my perverted mind immediately thought: "Wow. If I ever saw a unicorn's ding, this is probably what it would look like."

But, barring the pornographic unicorn references, it was fun. Give it a try!

Friday, February 17, 2012


I know I have been absent for a while, and I apologize. Life is starting to calm down for the moment, and I will get back to blogging and the CHALLENGES in a short bit.

But in the meantime, here is your weekly dose of neutered intelligence:

I came across the illegitimate love child of jeggings and Pajama Jeans, named "Action Jeans"

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!! I also found the ONLY classy way to wear sweatpants to work!

That's right: Dress Pant Sweatpants. So casual, you can take a nap, so formal, you can wear them with a suit..........

If I saw my CEO wearing these, I would update my resume on every job hunting website I could find, because either he's/she's a transient posing as a high powered executive, or he's the laziest SOB and can only fathom getting himself half dressed in the morning. Nothing better than the boss rolling out of the rack with his "Dress Pant Sweatpants" already pressed and well-worn from 8 hours of sleep!



Friday, February 10, 2012


Having been close to death's door a time (or 4) before, the first thought that I had was: "OMG, I totes need to update FB, Twitter, and YouTube about whatz happenin 2 me!!!!1!!!1 <3"

Social media is awesome, but what happens to your status updates if you die? The obvious answer would be: They End. Period. 

The new answer is: If I Die. An app that you can dictate a final message to your 700 friends and close acquaintences that, in the event of death, 3 of your "trustees" (read: drunk friends) can post in your behalf.

I have a hard enough time finding my friends' inane status updates in my feed, God forbid they should post: "Well, just bought the farm!! LOLZ! No more work for me!"

The fact that you have to trust your friends to post your final message is another iffy catch for me. What if "I love my family and will miss you" suddenly turns into "I love my RICHARD and will miss RICHARD FOREVR N EVR AMEN. LMAO."

*sigh* brb....making a video.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

All Hope Is Lost....

For the first of my blog challenges, I decided to try to recreate Shepperd Fairy's iconic "HOPE" poster from the Obama '08 campaign. **THIS IS IN NO WAY POLITICALLY MOTIVATED OR REFLECTS ON MY PERSONAL POLITICAL VIEWS** That discussion will probably never happen here.

Here is the poster:

I found this pin on Pinterest, complete with instructions for Photoshop. Sweet!

First problem: I know absolutely jack about Photoshop. I have the open source alternative, GIMP, so I had to alter the instructions slightly.

Second problem: I have pretty much no patience. Apparently it's required for this project to be successful. Otherwise, you end up like I did, with posters reminiscent of Toxic Avenger movie ads.

Third problem: I wasn't about to make a picture of I found some unwilling participants.

Here are the original photos (by With Love Photography):

Here are the "HOPELESS" propaganda posters I created:

The first one....I tried following all the instructions to the letter. It doesn't look anything like the Obama poster.

Poor Katie. There weren't enough shadows or something. I followed all the instructions on this one too. After I "completed" this one, I threw the instructions out. I think the words "Close Enough" were uttered quite a bit.....

Getting better....a little closer.


And I quote: "Wrap this sucker up! I don't really give a rat's ass what it looks like. I'm tired of editing photos. Your sister is damn crazy to do this all day."

Art wasn't my strongest class, people. Cut me some slack. Besides, I told you the attempts would be laughable.

Friday, February 3, 2012


File this under "Whittling away an already small target market"

The Social Shower Curtain. For when you have to pretend to update your inane statuses while you shower. I'm waiting for the "Assbook" toilet seat.