Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Reppin' the U S A Fo Shizzle

So...the Olympics started this week. To be honest, I haven't gotten into this Olympiad like I have in prior years. But the oldest boy wanted to check it out, so we turned it on Saturday morning. I watched Michael Phelps barely make the finals of the 400 meter individual medley.

Then, as NBC resumed it's broadcast of Olympic elven ping pong shotput (it might have been men's speed texting or submarine racing, I couldn't tell), we went about our day. My local news source later in the day committed a horrific act.

They posted this picture of Ryan Lochte posing with his gold medal 10 hours before airtime in Arizona. I know, I know, I'm crying, and if I wanted to watch it live, I could have found a way, and there's little kids in China that are still working their fingers to the bone to make your iPads (probably in the place they held the Beijing Olympics....jus sayin) (ed note: The author is clearly not thinking right and this comment in no way aligns with the thinking or moral values of the author. 'Cept it's probably true)    

When asked about plans for displaying his medal - he responded "Spinners for my whip"

After I got over the initial fury over spoiling the race in which Lochte beat Phelps, fellow blogger Holdin' Holden and I were curious (after she got furious with me for spoiling it also)....what the HELL is in the guy's mouth?

We found out it is a grill. For those that are versed in hip-hop lingo, "His grill be icy, yo." For those uninitiated, a "grill" is a dental piece, much like a mouthpiece, that is usually made of precious metal, and encrusted with precious stones. Basically, it's jewelry for your mouth. But not that sissy tongue ring shit, because GO BIG. Diamond teeth, y'all.

Apparently, Mr. Lochte is a big Lil' Wayne fan, (ed. note - full disclosure, I have Lil Wayne on my Spotify)  and to emulate his rapper of choice, he got an American flag grill. Look, I love me some Ice Cube circa 1988, but I'm not donning a jheri curl wig when accepting my medal.


Because nothing represents America like putting more money than the GDP of every minor country at the Olympics in your cakehole. I understand paying homage to your homeland, but Mr. Lochte, icing your chiclets is not the way to go. Need I mention that Lil' Wayne is the guy who had his jail time pre-empted because he had to remove the diamonds from his mouth?


Remember when being remembered in the medal ceremony MEANT something?

Friday, July 27, 2012

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Make room on the mantle...

I, dear SooperPhrends, have been nominated for the ultra-prestigious, super exclusive, life altering Liebster Blog award, by my friend Tia at Story of a Girl. Seeing as how this award now catapults me to the top 1% of all words ever written in any format ever, I decided I would graciously accept.

Then I found out that there were criteria......seriously. I brought up my awesomeness to the governing board, but they acted unimpressed. So, for you....my people....I will abide by the requests, and complete the criteria as follows.

I have to give 11 random facts about myself. (I'll throw darts at my wallpaper, which are filled with amazing things about me)
I have to choose another 11 bloggers to receive this award, and tell them they have been nominated.
I have to answer 11 questions that Tia has asked of her nominees, and then I have to ask 11 questions to my nominees to put them in the hot seat.

Let the vetting process begin!! Let loose the lions!!

Only 11? Why not XVICMM?

Let's get the SooperFun started...shall we?

11 Random SooperPhax

  • I have been bowling in competitive leagues since the age of 6. I stopped in 2004 after the birth of my first son, and was nearing an average of 200. I really miss bowling now, but cannot even play the sport I used to, due to my physical limitations.
  • I have only held 3 jobs in my adult life. I worked for an auto parts chain, a bowling center, and finally, an equipment rental office where I started at the bottom, and ended up in the Corporate office 14 years later.
  • I have four SooperSpawn, and they each have 7 letters in their first names.

  • In 2010, I had a massive coronary event, requiring a quadruple bypass and the thoughts and prayers of a lot of people
  • The song that woke me from my coma was the opening song to "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse", which I used to watch with my kids.
  • I am an Arizona native, and have never lived elsewhere.
  • Before my heart attack, I had never broken a bone or had a hospital stay for anything.
  • I'm a type-A personality. Puzzles and riddles intrigue me, as do goal-oriented procedural games (Think goals on FB games). But I'm messy in real life.
  • I have a Bachelor's of Science degree in Business.
  • My 2 favorite movies are Airplane! and A Few Good Men.
  • Snakes give me the heeby jeebys.

    11 SooperPhrends/Nominees

    I don't know a lot of bloggers, so bear with me.

Love them. Being an Arizona native, we don't see very many of them, but when we do, they tend to be pretty awesome. I can fall asleep to the sound of a storm.

 2.  What is your "Guilty Pleasure" tv show?

Any "Real Housewife" show. My wife usually watches these while she's in bed, so when I crawl in there, they're usually still playing. The catiness and general craziness of some of these women ASTOUND me.

3.  What calms you?

The only thing that can change my emotions quickly is music. Switching songs can bring completely different emotions.

4.  If you could learn any new language what would you choose to learn?

I took two years of Spanish in school, but I would love to be fluent. Those telenovelas look AWESOME.

5.  Have you ever regifted?  What was it?

I have regifted. It was some sort of "Men's Caddy" from Sharper Image. Basically a felt lined box to put your watch, wallet, keys, change and everything else I already shove into my nightstand drawer.

6.  Any off brand/generic products you prefer over their name brand competitor? 

I usually buy generic whenever I can. I haven't found anything (except boxed mac n cheese) that generics are horribly worse than name brand. There is however, one exception. When I was drinking, I had to have Bud Light. No Busch, no Milwaukee's Best....had to be BL.

7.  What song ALWAYS brings back memories?

Bush - "Come Down". My wife and I drove around Phoenix just talking for hours and listening to this song.

 8.  What is your favorite brand of toilet paper?

Any kind that is in the immediate vicinity when I need it. I have 4 children that apparently need to consolidate toilet paper rolls in their closets or something.

9.  Favorite scented candle?

Sunkissed Citrus anything from Scentsy.

10.  Do you ever freak out and get nervous AFTER you hit the "Share" button on your blog?

Not really. I usually say what I want. I have some family members that may think that my language is too harsh, but they either love me for who I am and respect my right to say what I want (as I do theirs), or they choose to live their lives without me. I also got my first haters recently, so that was fun.

 11.  Do you still have a piggy bank? 

HAHAHAH. If I can scrape enough change together to get a Diet Coke, it's a good day in the SooperHowse.

11 SooperQ's for my nominees

  1. Choose a character or person (fictional or real) that closest resembles your life so far. Why? 
  2. Mayo or Miracle Whip?
  3. Is there any book you have read that you absolutely hated?
  4. Best looking person alive (besides me)?
  5. How did you get into the blogosphere?
  6. Who is your favorite comedian?
  7. Favorite charity? Why?
  8. Would you rather be wealthy beyond your dreams, or well-respected?
  9. What is your favorite conspiracy theory?
  10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  11. Favorite 80's movie? (If it's anything other than the Breakfast Club, you're wrong.)

There you have it, the Liebster award. Looking forward to your answers, peeps!

Monday, July 23, 2012

MANday Pub Fare

Guys....I saw these at my local convenience store this weekend. And I was amazed. If peanuts or pretzels aren't your thing at the bar, I suggest you try these.


No, I haven't tried them, so I can't vouch for the quality, but......come on. It's BEER. and POTATO CHIPS. We all win here, folks. Oh, and ladies, there is even Margarita flavored chips....

HELL to the YEAH.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Obliviously Obliviant to the Oblivion

When I was working, I managed a large branch office of a national equipment rental company. I had to multitask. I had to analyze data, file reports, observe employees, and a host of other things, all running concurrently.
As well as this job paid, I did it 24 hours a day. I was on call when I was needed. This meant that while my family was getting ready to go somewhere, I may have been on a business call, or looking up some piece of information on my computer.

And I always wondered why my wife was so pissed at me when I finally ended the call.

Now that the roles have changed, my wife is on the phone quite a bit with clients, peers, vendors, and other people. She uses the computer to extend her reach via social media, to order new product, and to research her field. Sometimes, SHE even has to do this while we are getting ready to go somewhere.

And now I know why my wife was so pissed at me when I finally ended my call.

Stay at home parents don't HAVE to be on the phone. Or the computer. There's been times where I have physically unplugged my box from the wall just because along with my children screaming, the dogs barking, the dinner burning, and the toilets overflowing, it just wasn't that important. We have to multi-task. It's a necessity, not an option.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is a great mother. A better mother than I am a father. But there have been times when she's been on the phone, and I have become a whirlwind of throwing things, dressing children incorrectly, and shouting enough curse words to make George Carlin blush.

After the dust settles, I'm left panting and drooling, and basically feral.

"Kids are ready"
All the while, my wife has been handling business. Which forces me to ask "WTF, why can't she help out?"
Until I think about WHY my wife always looked pissed at me when I was on the phone.....because she was on the other end. Duh.

So, for all my multi-tasking parents out there.....embrace your ADD! Let the battle cry be heard!

We will not back down! We will......DO NOT STICK THAT IN THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? We will be heard! There will be a day...YOUR BROTHER IS NOT AN ART PROJECT. SHARPIES?!?!?! WHO GAVE YOU SHARPIES?!?! There will be a day where we will be able to relax for a full 8 hours, but until then......SQUIRREL.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The 3 things...about having opposite sex friends

I went to see The Amazing Spider-Man last night with my best friend, which happens to be a female. It AMAZES me to see people freak the fuck out over the fact that we can go out to places alone. It's like their minds can't wrap around the fact that people with opposite naughty bits don't just jam those naughty bits into each other if they're alone for any period of time. I know it's hard to believe, but some men can actually carry on conversations and go places with women without sex. You know.....the kind of men that have been friends with this said woman for longer than they've known YOU? Amazeballs.

"You mean you no hit her and drag her to cave?!?" - PS, if you know who this is, you are AWESOME.
1. Having a person to talk to of the same gender as your partner can help your relationship.

If I think my wife isn't getting what I'm putting down, or if I think she's just ignoring me, I'll talk to my bestie. She usually tells me "Well, she's mad at you because stop being a dick. I would kick your ass too. You're lucky I'm not there." I then tuck tail, and go apologize to my wife. Having someone else look objectively at your situation can help immensely. (See: Therapist......or does that not count to illogical people?) They can tell you when you're in the wrong, when you're in the right, or when there is no solution. Amazingly, it's somewhat comforting to hear "Wow, dude, you guys are both fucked." Guess what? I am at home all. day. long. I talk to other bloggers on Facebook on their pages, and some, even personally. Some of these bloggers are..........*GASP* women. Holy Outrageous Ovaries, SooperDad! Women, you say? Yes! And some of them are smarter than I!!!!!! I know. It's hard to fathom. Some w-w-w-w-women are intelligent.

2. You can do things with people of the opposite gender without having sex.

This.......this is fucking amazing. I.......really? I really don't feel that this has to be explained, but apparently, it more than does. See....when a man.....and a woman.....have lunch/go to a movie/have dinner/go shopping/have coffee/any other activity on the planet, it does NOT mean that they are entering into an agreement upon which they are agreeing to have coitus. I know. It's MINDBLOWING. Imagine. I had to work with MULTIPLE women for 10 HOURS a day WITHOUT MY WIFE AROUND, and I was able to keep my dick in my pants. It was a minor miracle. For 14 years. I should be in Guinness. 

Fine...an absolutely horrible example on my part, but still an example.

3. Get over it.

I know for all those Mad Men fans (I haven't seen any episodes, I just have heard the gist of the series) that haven't poked their heads out, but times have changed. PEOPLE WITH SAME NAUGHTY BITS CAN BE MARRIED!!11!!!ZOMG!!1! Women are in charge of WHOLE COMPANIES?!?! FORTUNE 500 COMPANIES?!?!? What is this world coming to? I woman bash in jest, but in all honesty, I'm more impressed with women that think for themselves and handle themselves with respect and intelligence and, above all, have an awesome sense of humor than anything (my wife is one of these people).

So, yes, dear friends (on both sides), my bestie and I will be going out together again. Soon. Alone. With my wife's blessing. And my children's. Because they love her. I love her. She's the female version of me. And everyone knows I love me some me. As a final note, I have another 3 words for people that don't like it.

Go Fuck Yourselves.

Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club.

Monday, July 9, 2012

MANday Music Selection

Granted, I'm a little late on this one, and the song and accompanying meme and phrase have run their course, and seem to be more irritating than clever, but I'll make an exception.

Bros, I'm looking squarely at you. If you don't have a tween daughter, or an underage girlfriend with an affinity for bubble gum pop, you may not have heard Carly Rae Jepsen's song "Call Me Maybe". If you HAVE heard it, I can guarantee with about 80% certainty that you have heard it a minimum of 5000 times. Now, I'm fine with this video, because, honestly, Carly Rae isn't hard on the eyes. (ed. note: This is a personal opinion, and does not reflect on anyone affiliated with this blog.....namely, my wife.)

Damn you, Canada.
So, I was shocked to find out someone has outdone Carly Rae. Someone has finally made a video that markets this song to the exact opposite demographic it was targeted to. Hardcore, testosterone laden, beer swilling, carnivorous, Ron Swanson idolizing men, like you and me. 

How can they possibly do such a thing? - you ask. Allow me to introduce the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders singing "Call Me Maybe" (ed. note - Sorry Jets fans, but....yeah, not really)

Suddenly, my opinions about this song have changed. For all the bad press Florida has been getting lately, I'm sure this is a little welcome ray of sunshine. AND, the Dolphins PR team knows what they're doing, because the comments for this video have been disabled. Well played, Miami. 

Friday, July 6, 2012


We live in an overly litigious society. My mother is a legal professional, and has been the head of various paralegal/legal secretary organizations. Being overly litigious is directly proportional to not having my parents live in my garage. I love litigation. I would sue myself to keep my parents out of my garage.

So, imagine my surprise when I find the following:
Gino Romano
Kim Kardashian; Diana Taurasi; Steve Nash; Khloe Kardashian
6/20/2012 2:12 cv 1320 Snow

Preliminary injunction lawsuit for a temporary restraining order where plaintiff caught defendants Kim Kardashian and Diana Taurasi "lesbian kissing and having oral sex with each other in public" at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport, and Kardashian injecting steroids into Taurasi's arm "because she needed to cheat on her WNBA game debut." When plaintiff confronted the two, Kardashian "took an entire Sbarro pizza and mugged" plaintiff's face with it and Taurasi poured hot sauce down plaintiff's pants. When plaintiff went into the bathroom, he caught defendant Khloe Kardashian "giving Steve Nash oral sex," and Nash smashed a toilet plunger on plaintiff's head.

Pro se

After doing some digging, I found that "Gino Romano" is an alias for Jonathan Lee Riches, who we'll get right
back to.....

(PS - Pro se means "representing himself" as I'm sure any lawyer would say "You, sir, are batshit crazy.")

If you don't know who Diana Taurasi is, she's a professional women's basketball player who plays for the Phoenix Mercury, and is kind of a local celebrity.

Go ahead, make a H-O-R-S-E joke. She dares you.
Anyways, the docket description of this case is enough to make your head explode "Scanners" style, but after a little internet digging, Mr. Riches is FAMOUS for filing lawsuits JUST. LIKE. THIS. Here is a list of cases from one website that are tagged with his name. He sued the Ghostbusters. I'll give you a second to read that last sentence again.

He sued Michael Vick for $63 BILLION, alleging that
"Vick stole two mixed pitbull dogs from the plaintiff, used the dogs in several dog fights, and
then sold them on eBay and used the proceeds to buy missles from the Iranian government." 
Better than that.....check out the complaint filed in FEDERAL court. Complete with his name copyrighted......and at the bottom "Due to RESTRICTIONS WITH TYPEWRITERS, this suit was handwritten". How fucking dangerous to yourself do you have to be to have restrictions from typewriters?!? FFS.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The 3 Things.....About the Fourth

Yesterday was the Fourth of July, a great day of independence from tyranny and the birth of a great nation. I loved watching fireworks when I was a kid, because that was the only reason the 4th of July appeals to school age children. It's already in the middle of summer, so you're not missing school, what the hell kinda holiday does that?!?

Anyways, as we age, the Fourth becomes about more than just fireworks. It becomes a multi-faceted day of rejoice and horror.

1) Food is cheap, and it's everywhere.

Because food and beverages are kind of like adult's candy, some of us (ed. note - the author) just love to stuff our gullets full of hot dogs, potato salad, soda, beer, chips, burgers, and any other concoction of whatever grill-worthy food we can find. The grocery stores perpetuate this by having killer sales the week of the Fourth. So after I got done eating 4 pounds of food, the neighbor's started their grill.......and I got hungry again. Let's face it.....I'm kinda the Kobayashi of the holidays in my family.

I love Nathan's Wieners.

2) Finding a fireworks show for your kids SUCKS. 

When I was a kid, I sat on my rooftop with my dad and a pair of binoculars and saw no less than 2 fireworks shows a year. Now, the shows are scheduled air tight, by region, and larger venues get priority market share over smaller places. AND you have to drive. So now, you're about an hour or more into your food coma, and you have to load up the family truckster to go watch a 30-45 minute firework show with 100 people, IF YOU CAN FIND A PARKING SPOT. And God help you if you have an obstructed view. If you're not sure, wait until the very first pop is heard. No matter from where, it could be behind you, and one kid is sure to say "I didn't see it".
AZ DOT has given up on these holidays

3) What you come home to is a crap shoot.

I had a dog that used to go absolute apeshit on the Fourth from the noise. So much so, that it literally TORE THE DRYWALL APART trying to get at the door. I always forget the damage an animal can cause when it is freaked out by earth-shattering explosions. My neurotic dog hears a leaf rustle outside, and she barks as if there's someone kicking down the front door. I was crossing my fingers to try to convince myself that there wasn't going to be a half-eaten couch, or carpeting transplanted to places where there previously was no carpet. 

Don't ask where the cat is. And don't wear your loafers.....ever again.

No damage, happy pets, happy kids, and happy dad. Good weather (80 degrees for AZ in July!!) , good food, and family made the day even better. Oh, and SooperSpouse and I kicked ass all over the Trivial Pursuit board. That was the best part. Although I do feel bad, because my in-laws really aren't that bright.