We now resume your dysfunctional family programming....

Amanda and I finally got around to watching back episodes of Modern Family on our DVR. I think this show is truly the best show ever made. Who would have thought that Doc Brown** would have made the funniest show ever? He must have fixed his flux capacitor and hit 88 mph, because he's making enough cake from this show that he doesn't need to sell the plutonium to the Libyans. (yes, that's 3 Back to the Future references. I'm a geek, live with it.)

             Yeah. This guy in the brain machine is the executive producer. 

What other shows about family entertained us? Thanks for asking. 

SOOPERDAD'S AWESOME DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY SHOW TIMELINE

1. Leave It To Beaver, 1957

Some of you may disagree, but this is where the dysfunctional family entertainment began. Sure, it's touted as wholesome family entertainment, but we are glossing over the major sociological points that make this show DANGEROUS!

Stereotypes:

What they say: "The main character is a portly child who gets himself into situations of mischief and humor"

What they mean: "Fat kids are troublemakers."

What they say: "Mrs. Cleaver represents the ideal wife and mother of the time period."

What they mean: "She was going to cook dinner and have that house clean before Mr. Cleaver came home....if she knew what was good for her."

What they say: "Eddie Haskell tries hard to win the attention of Mrs. Cleaver"

What they mean: "Mrs. Cleaver is a MILF."

Gee, Mrs. Cleaver, my doc said my Tuberculosis would go away if I saw you naked. You don't want me to be sick do you? *coughcough**

2. The Andy Griffith Show, 1960

Single dad raising a crazy redhead kid in the backwoods of Mayberry. Oh, and the dad's co-worker is a cracked-out guy WITH A GUN. And seriously, I think Aunt Bea was selling herself out....she made WAY too many "pies" for a family of 3.....

P.S. - If you are whistling right now, STOP. Immediately. I'm not kidding.

"I was banging 7 gram rocks, that's how I roll......what? Charlie who?"

3. All in the Family, 1971

I personally never had the good fortune to watch any of these episodes, and from what I can find, I have a feeling I know why...from Wikipedia:

"The show broke ground in its depiction of issues previously considered unsuitable for U.S. network television comedy, such as racism, homosexuality, women's liberation, rape,miscarriage, abortion, breast cancer, the Vietnam War, menopause and impotence."

AWESOME! Sounds like this show was way ahead of its time. Doesn't every family have some sort of these issues floating around in one dark corner or another? This show just saved us the trouble and condensed it into one alcholic bigot, Archie Bunker. 

No wonder you guys were always high in the 70's.

In this picture: a horrible bigot, homophobe, all around terrible person...and Carrol O'Connor.

4. The Cosby Show, 1984

I know....you're probably saying, "Are you kidding me? There's nothing wrong with the Cosby Show!? LOL!!1!", but you'd be wrong. This show should be forcibly removed from the "Sitcom" category and put into "Fantasy". 

Evidence Item 1: Mr. Cosby was a OB/GYN. Mrs. Cosby was a lawyer. I have never met anyone from either of these professions that were home as much as they were, or in an even-tempered mood as much as these two were. Pure Fantasy.

Evidence Item 2: The "hot" sister, Denise, left for "college" after season 3. We all know that hot girls aren't smart, and Dr. Huxtable was all about making sure his kids earned what they got, so how exactly did Denise pay her tuition? *Hint: Google Angel Heart (it's not safe for kids)*

Evidence Item 3: Any normal father in his right mind would have sent Theo far away from the rest of his family as to not taint whatever intelligence remained in his children after being exposed to Theo for a number of years.

Apparently, New York is the coldest place on the planet. Sweaters were mandatory in the Huxtable home.

5. Married...With Children, 1987

The king of dysfunctional family sitcoms, about to be replaced by Modern Family. This show hit closest to home for a lot of America, and was hilarious in doing so. Do I believe a lot of fathers now base some of their personalities on Al Bundy? Yes, I do. But he was awesome, so it's ok. And I blame Katey Segal for my affinity for redheads.

And a heartfelt thank you to Christina Applegate for getting me through my awkward teenage years.

Look, I'm not trying to say to base your family life from these sitcoms. These shows provide a glimpse into the messed up worlds that are our families. All of them. There isn't one person that can't find some kind of messed up in thier extended family, so we may as well make the best of it. And, they're hilarious; the shows, and our families.

**ED NOTE: Apparently, I was incorrect in the assumption that Doc Brown was the producer of Modern Family......but I'm leaving it in because Back to the Future. And fuck you.**

Rub some dirt in it, son.....

Amanda graduates from Aesthetics school this week, so she's been a little preoccupied, (and stressed, understandably). Since she is busy preparing for finals and studying up, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot more one on four time with my kids. I usually try to stay out of it when Amanda gets home, because she doesn't get to see them for very long before I make them walk the Green Mile down to their bedrooms for sleep.

I decided to take the kids down to the park today, (a rare treat because I'm severly allergic to grass). Since their mom couldn't go, I decided to take my time, try my patience, and let them truly just be children. Laugh, yell, fight, chase each other...you know, like Jessica Simpson's relationships. Then I noticed that pretty much all the playgrounds around where I live are clones of each other. What a way to spark creative and imaginitive play. Here's 2 slides. One is BIG. One is small. Whatever. There has to be a cooler, more imaginitive way to not only increase the excitement and appreciation of our children, but to challenge them for the long road ahead as well!

So, lets see the MMAD (Mr. Mom Awesome Dad) Playground Proposal!

In order to teach our children the dangers of the outside world, we need appropriate exercises to help them adapt and recognize the situations in the future. Sure, the slides would translate if a plane had to make an emergency landing, and monkey bars would be used...........if you're crossing that jungle ravine in your grandma's backyard, but it's time to update our children's play equipment.

EVENT 1: The Dysfunctional Family Holiday

Photo: http://www.weeville.com

To prepare children for the inevitable shock that is going to see your family (or your in-laws), this simulated holiday gathering will teach children the following social skills:

• Personal safety - Avoiding the creepy drunk uncle that talks too close to you.
• Taking your lumps - Testing skin elasticity from grandmothers and aunts who like to pinch cheeks
• Conflict negotiation - Ability will be tested by breaking up fistfights between distant cousins
• Emotional mentoring - Measured by the ability to calm your simulated mother, who is sobbing and emotional because her gathering is ruined and her life is leading nowhere.

EVENT 2: The Ice Cream Truck Mini-Marathon

Photo: http://www.littlecomptonroadrace.org

Everyone has chased the ice cream man a few blocks in their lives, but with the fast-paced, technologically advanced world we now live in, the chase is becoming obsolete. We release a stocked ice cream truck and allow children to sprint after it. After 4 miles, the truck stops and allows those who have stayed in the race to get ice cream. This event will teach children the following critical thinking skills:

• Knowing when to say when - After running 4 miles after the ice cream truck, is your bomb pop really going to be enough to say "It was worth it"?
• Resource gathering/allocation - At the end of the race, the ice cream will not be free. The children have to have their own money, if not, they just ran 4 miles for NOTHING. See also: Preparedness.
• The importance of being a good sport or winning - Depending on the child's personal outlook, the children will have to decide whether or not to trip the child in front of him/her, or sabotage the children behind him/her. No penalties will be given, just shame and disgrace from onlookers.
• Physical Fitness - The importance of rewarding yourself after a vigorous workout is important, especially with ice cream.....except....you know, if you're a diabetic. Maybe they shouldn't do this one.

EVENT 3: The High School Enigma

Photo: http://www.washingtonexaminer.com

The filth that is being propagated from Disney with the High School Musical franchise are letting children believe that high school is a party...with music, and friends that care about you, and dancing......lots of dancing. Here is what MMAD Playground's High School Simulator will teach your children:

• Humility - It doesn't matter how cool or smart or funny you are, there is no chance in hell you're dating the captain of the cheerleading squad.
• Starting Over - The friends you've built over the years at elementary school are now too cool to hang out with you. The girl you liked has now started to wear black lipstick and carving her own tattoos into her flesh. You are the only normal one here..........GO!
• Avoiding Outside Influences - There are influence from the major gangs around the high school society. The Jocks, Valley Girls, Goth/Emo Kids, A/V Squad, Greasers, and Boozers are all looking for you to join their ranks....what will you do?!?

 

Sounds like a MMAD's dream!........Nah, I'll stick with the plain ol slides. These kids look a lot happier than they should be. Love them to death.

My Angel. She ate concrete on her scooter on the way home, hence her bandage.

My Genius.

My Princess.

My Bruiser.

 

The 3 Things.....About the Fourth

Yesterday was the Fourth of July, a great day of independence from tyranny and the birth of a great nation. I loved watching fireworks when I was a kid, because that was the only reason the 4th of July appeals to school age children. It's already in the middle of summer, so you're not missing school, what the hell kinda holiday does that?!?

Anyways, as we age, the Fourth becomes about more than just fireworks. It becomes a multi-faceted day of rejoice and horror.

1) Food is cheap, and it's everywhere.

Because food and beverages are kind of like adult's candy, some of us (ed. note - the author) just love to stuff our gullets full of hot dogs, potato salad, soda, beer, chips, burgers, and any other concoction of whatever grill-worthy food we can find. The grocery stores perpetuate this by having killer sales the week of the Fourth. So after I got done eating 4 pounds of food, the neighbor's started their grill.......and I got hungry again. Let's face it.....I'm kinda the Kobayashi of the holidays in my family.

I love Nathan's Wieners.

2) Finding a fireworks show for your kids SUCKS. 

When I was a kid, I sat on my rooftop with my dad and a pair of binoculars and saw no less than 2 fireworks shows a year. Now, the shows are scheduled air tight, by region, and larger venues get priority market share over smaller places. AND you have to drive. So now, you're about an hour or more into your food coma, and you have to load up the family truckster to go watch a 30-45 minute firework show with 100 people, IF YOU CAN FIND A PARKING SPOT. And God help you if you have an obstructed view. If you're not sure, wait until the very first pop is heard. No matter from where, it could be behind you, and one kid is sure to say "I didn't see it".

AZ DOT has given up on these holidays

3) What you come home to is a crap shoot.

I had a dog that used to go absolute apeshit on the Fourth from the noise. So much so, that it literally TORE THE DRYWALL APART trying to get at the door. I always forget the damage an animal can cause when it is freaked out by earth-shattering explosions. My neurotic dog hears a leaf rustle outside, and she barks as if there's someone kicking down the front door. I was crossing my fingers to try to convince myself that there wasn't going to be a half-eaten couch, or carpeting transplanted to places where there previously was no carpet. 

Don't ask where the cat is. And don't wear your loafers.....ever again.

No damage, happy pets, happy kids, and happy dad. Good weather (80 degrees for AZ in July!!) , good food, and family made the day even better. Oh, and SooperSpouse and I kicked ass all over the Trivial Pursuit board. That was the best part. Although I do feel bad, because my in-laws really aren't that bright.

Dude, You've Got an Awesome Ward-Bro-be

What happens if you get a bunch of surfer bros that just want to chill and wear tanks with awesome pictures of them doing bro-like stuff? Well, if you're these guys, you create Mantanks.com. These guys have created a site where you can upload your own pics onto a tank top so you can totally bro out on the weekends.

Go ahead, tell him he's holding that wine glass wrong. The testosterbrone is too much.

Now, if you're looking to do something worthwhile with your textiles (see what I did there?), a family member of mine has actually created a charity that benefits the Los Angeles homeless. The charity is called Povertees, and they sell hand-crafted shirts and use the money to help out the less fortunate in downtown LA. If you have a minute and an extra buck or two, get a shirt or donate to them today! Go and like their Facebook page and visit their website!

SooperReflections Sunday

It sucks when you have to tell someone that their surprise got ruined. :(

Having a large extended family means we get top value out of clothes. My youngest son just got handed down pajamas from my nephew that we originally bought for my 8 year old.

I used to think sushi was for hipster rich kids. I am now adjusting my budget to be able to afford it more often.

I'm going to quit buying cereal for my two youngest children. They would rather have store-brand barbecue potato chips for breakfast.

I would now like to thank Pixar for sucking every possible cent of expendable income from me.

My computer sounds like an airplane preparing for takeoff. I'm worried that it might be a small dirty bomb waiting to go off.

Sieckman children's goal for preparedness = making sure there's a roll of toilet paper BEFORE they start going.

I used to think my father was crazy because he spoke to inanimate objects and unseen people. Now I do it. And I'm beginning to relate to cartoon characters. (Help........me)

Have a good Sunday!