Parent of the Year 2012

As the year draws to a close, we are bound to start seeing the "Best of 2012" lists. Here at SooperHQ, we are also doing the Best of 2012....but for parents.

And not the cute mom and son playing together, or the dad that gave his kidney to his daughter. I'm talking about WTF parenting. All of us can't be Ward or June Fucking Cleaver (it's really their middle names, both of them) all the time. There are times where we slip. Unfortunately, these slips have made it to the interwebz.

So, without further ado, I give you the nominees for WTF Parenting of the year 2012. Leave a comment with the number of your vote, and we'll crown someone the WTF Parents? of the year!

1.

Many of you have seen this picture over the past year.....what goes better with Jack than smokes?

2.

Passenger safety, brought to you buy your local grocer.

3.

Carpooling at its finest. Also, F*$k tha police.

4. 

Yes. Don't trust the kids with an iPad? Get a firearm!

5. 

I got those bitches some Heiny. Bitches love the Heiny.

6.

What's worse? The fact that this guy is lazy enough to do this, or the kid getting a CO facial?

7.

The raccoons had finally initiated parents into their lunch money bullying pyramid scheme.

8.

A cleaner, more efficient lazy parent than the dude on the motorcycle.

9.

Sir. You obviously are an idiot. The baby goes where the arrow says.

10.

Nothing says fun like urban camo and electrocuting children.

11.

Economics, PE (sports on the TV), Social Networking. I see no problem here.

12.

The all new Toyota Tundra. Seating for 25.

13. 

Not making fun of fat people, at least she's trying. But, holy hell, she HAS to know her kid is uncomfortable.

There ya go! 2012 WTF Parents of the year nominees! Have a good weekend, SooperPhrends!

The 3 Things....About Digital Stalking

From my post yesterday, I got to thinking about the breadth of information that we can find on the internet, if we know where to look.

1) Digital stalking is an artform.

I used to be in charge of sales representatives. Our jobs were to get in front of decision makers of companies and cultivate a relationship that would make them choose my company over a competitor. The information age has made this INFINITELY easier. Doing a few searches, I found marital status, children's names/ages, birthplace, hobbies/interests, and other little nuances of their personality that could win us a contract. The information we got was harmless, but if a stranger walked up to you and started talking about things you were interested in, related to your marital status, and brought up a few great restaurants in your hometown, it would put you at greater ease than someone bull rushing you with a business proposal.

The result of doing "homework" on a client.

2) Stalking is the new parental control


When I ask my kids about school, I get the same response, without fail, day in and day out.

Me: How'd school go guys?

Kids: Good.

Me: What did you do?

Kids: Nothing. 

As much as I'd love to believe that they stared at the walls and went all Stepford Wives at school, I know that's a lie. Then they ask to go to birthday parties and hang out with friends that they've never mentioned before. When we ask about the friends, the response we get is "They're nice."

That's great. I'm glad you think they're nice. Now, let's check their Facebook pictures. Oh look, he's smoking a cigarette. Here's another one of him kicking a kitten. Oh, look, he's throwing up a gang sign. Sure you can go over there.....to say that you are not allowed to ever talk to him again. I'll wait in the car.

6th graders sure have evolved.

3) It is a double-edged sword.

When I get a new friend on Facebook, I make sure to go through their photos to see what their life is like since I've seen them last. I also from time to time, search for people in my past life that I haven't heard from in a while, or antagonists that have helped shape me into what I am today. 

The problem with that is that you may not like what you find. The guy I got in trouble with for shoplifting? He's now a priest. Not even a "business suit on Sunday, dress shirt and jeans weekdays" pastor, he's a full out "robes DAILY" pastor. This is typical of some of the personal transformations you'll find. Life is funny that way. Some people blossom late, some people find their calling, some people run their lives into the ground. You may find friends that were just like you are now drug riddled criminals, while the girl that you picked on is now a supermodel. Good luck.

Remember the girl that you called "Thunder Rolls" because she was fat, and liked Garth Brooks? Apparently she still likes country music.

Monkey See, Monkey Do...

As adults, we often promise ourselves that we will be better parents than OUR parents were, that we won't make the same mistakes, dole out those harsh punishments we recieved, or be as utterly and soulcrushing "uncool" as our parents were.

...

Then you catch yourself saying something that your parents had said to you years ago. And then you do it again. And again. And then you start listening to Barry Manilow and Barbara Streisand and thinking "Wow, this really isn't that bad". And then you make an appointment with your psychiatrist.

Here are some instances of my flashbacks:

1. The Question

This usually manifests when your child does something that you have told he/she not to do REPEATEDLY over the course of thier lifetime. Instances include, but are not limited to: 

• running with scissors/knives/other sharp objects
• doing somersaults that look so horrible that YOU have to visit a chiropractor
• touching the stove or an open flame
• running in the street without looking
• hitting siblings and/or random strangers at the mall

The first thing that I vocalize in these situations is "The Question":

"What is WRONG with you??!?!?"

"Did the doctor drop you?!?"

"Are you trying to kill yourself?!?"

Even Captain Picard is disappointed in you, son.

2. The Life Sentence 

The life sentence usually shows after you have already punished the child for something, and the child refuses to abide by the terms of the current punishment. If you tell the child to stay in the room, you will see them peeking around corners, yelling at the top of thier lungs, kicking inanimate objects such as doors or walls, and other general horribleness.

I respond with the life sentence: 

"That's IT! You are grounded FOREVER!"

"You are never touching this again until you're 45!"

"You can get this back...........when you're done with COLLEGE!" 

Sorry, kid. The Governor can't bail you out of this one.

3. The Cinderella Clause 

Parents give their older children chores. They depend on those chores getting done to secure the last piece of thier sanity remaining. Children have a way of complaining about said chores EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, even though they have done the exact same chore for the previous 6 weeks straight. 

When this happens, and this dad is at the end of his rope, I envoke the Cinderella Clause:

"Since your brother/sister isn't complaining, maybe you should go ahead and do his/her chores too, and give him/her a night off. Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

"Keep complaining. Oh, and by the way, when you're done with that, go wash the car."

Missed a spot.

4. The Hippocratic Threat

When I was young, I had a problem with defecating. I would dread it. This was before the time when we actually knew about different conditions that would make this painful and/or uncomfortable, but my dad fixed my problem. By threatening to "fix" it with a pair of snub nosed pliers. I thought this was cruel and unusual punishment, until years later when my daughter had the same problem, and I offered THE SAME SOLUTION before I could stop the words from sliding past my teeth.

This usually involves some unprofessional medical opinion that usually scares the shit out of a child.

"Oh, your tummy hurts? It's not because you don't want to eat your broccoli? Well, then...wash your hands, we have to go get you a bunch of shots to figure out what's wrong with you."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa......you're screaming like that because you got SHAMPOO in your eyes? Well, let me go get a spoon, and we'll take those puppies out so you won't have that problem again."

"He keeps getting hangnails. Time to amputate."

5. The Conversation Ender 

This is the parental trump card, and I have a feeling its used extremely often. 

When a child is getting belligerant and won't stop, it is the parent's responsibility to assert and reinforce thier authority status.

"Because I SAID SO, that's why."

I AM THE LAAAWWW..

So there you have it, tenets of parenthood that need to live on. Parental wisdom that needs to carry on to future generations. Because we don't want to be the only generation that's all fucked up.