A Visit to the Gym...

After my gym rage yesterday, I decided to dictate my observations, being a gym newbie. There are all types of people that use the gym I go to.....but I have a feeling some of these generalizations fit in gyms everywhere. And before you get all huffy, these generalizations are not gender specific. Women can be just as scary in the gym too. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

The Resolutionary

Apparently, the Resolutionaries are pretty much dreaded in the gym community. These are the people who apparently make their resolutions, go to the gym at apparently the same time as everyone else that matters, and then disappear a few weeks later. I am in this category, btw, until apparently, I get accepted by the other gym goers. I think they jump me in or do some weird Lord of the Flies ceremony or something. I'm waiting for my invite.

Next year, I'm going to start renting more movies or something. This shit sucks.

The Diva

Designer "workout" clothes, not one hair out of place, and a strong dislike of that pesky sweat ruining their makeup identify the divas. If you are unsure you are a diva, here's a quick and dirty litmus test.

If you spend more time primping yourself to go to the gym than actually exercising at the gym, you're a diva.

Notice there's no pics of her actually working out? Just sayin.

I thought it was physically impossible for divas to walk and talk at the same time, but sure as shit, for the hour on the treadmill, they usually have their phones (complete with bedazzled case) to their heads for the duration. I'm not sure if these people are going to the gym to pick up a partner, but here's a hint. 90% of the people there don't give a shit of your brand of workout clothes. Just because it says "Juicy" across your ass doesn't mean that we all swoon. And, it's false advertising. I feel so violated.

The Creeper

Creepers usually sit at a station, but the time spent idle at that station far surpasses the time actually used on the station. The "rest period" is spent ogling the other gym patrons. Not even stealth ogling, either. Flat out staring like Ron Swanson stares at bacon. You can spot Creepers by an inordinate amount of sweat that is pouring from them, even though they haven't exercised yet. The bold Creepers will offer to "assist" other gym patrons. Let me tell you something. When they ask if you need a spot...............just say no.

This is not "spotting" you, ladies.

Creepers are usually spotted around the yoga, Zumba, or spin classes. Don't ask how I know. Just don't.

The Workout Hipster

This sight also struck me last night. The Workout Hipster uses the equipment in the proper manner......until they decide to switch things up. I get working out different muscle groups by switching your routine, but walking backwards on the treadmills while doing dips on the handrails is just odd. I'm all about efficiency, but  you can space those out a little in order to avoid those scared, confused looks thrown by people going the correct way on the treadmills. Also....exercise balls do not belong on elliptical machines. Just a tip.

The only acceptable use of backward walking on treadmills.

The Gorilla

The Gorilla is that guy in the gym that wants everyone to know why he's in the gym. TO GET RIPPED, BRO. He makes the most noise possible, because it's HIS gym. Between his grunts, and chants of  "One more set, bro!", the Gorilla stalks around the gym, panting and flexing like his roid contact is moving out of state. Gorillas can be found by the mirrors, admiring themselves without abandon. Don't ever struggle with your workout in the line of sight of a Gorilla. The Gorilla will point and laugh and call you a sissy. And you will get upset, until you leave and remember that you have a job and shit.

BRO! MY TIPS ARE SO FROSTY! LET'S DO ANOTHER SET!

 The Silverback

For every yin, there's a yang, and the Gorilla's yang is the Silverback. Silverbacks are usually bigger than Gorillas, but have no ego issue. Instead of sneering at your workout, Silverbacks walk by, give a smile, or thumbs up in encouragement, and move along. Instead of grunting, throwing weights, and being an asshole, Silverbacks do their sets, put the equipment back, towel off, and move along. Silently. Silverbacks are what make normal people want to go to the gym. Now, if they could just kill off the Gorillas, the world would be a better place.

Way to go on your set! Want some ribs?

There ya go. Just my observations of a fat guy going to a gym in Anytown, USA.

SooperP90LeanologyExtreme

I have lots of friends, family, and acquaintances who are joining the movement to get into better shape. With so many different programs out there to help with the process, there is a lot of variety in what to do. I have seen results from all these programs, and they DO work......pretty amazingly, as a matter of fact.

I, however, due to my heart condition, cannot partake in any of these programs. My favorite is the P90X, which a few people I know are doing. The goal of P90X, from what I can tell, is to exercise until you puke.

Instead of partaking in these excellent structured programs, I have created an conglomeration that is more challenging than P90X, more -ology than Shakeology, and more EXTREME than ChiLEAN Extreme.

It's called...............being a stay-at-home parent.

Doubt my results? Try this regimen:

 

Mini-Tri with Extended Posturing

Description: A mini-triathalon, involving the child carry, the phone cradle, and the culinary crunch.

Reality: Comforting a crying child, listening to your significant other ramble about their work day while they are stuck in traffic, and trying to cook dinner, all events run concurrently.

Benefit: Extended periods of using muscles unused in years. Focusing methods enhanced in order to keep track of phone conversation and tune out crying child. Internal timing tested to not burn dinner.

 

Suburban Steeplechase

Description: Obstacle course consisting of items commonly found in interior decorating and miscellaneous house fixtures.

Reality: Child has dangerous/destructive object, and is running with it. Objective is to catch child and remove object.

Benefit: Limber bodies will excel at this event because of thier ability to bend and twist to avoid collision with immovable objects while running.

 

Mock Equestrian Course

Description: Entertain child by pretending to be a horse. Give "rides" to willing participants.

Reality: The last resort to quiet a crying child.

Benefit: None. Joints become sore and ache. 90% of participants in this event walk away limping. Only recommended for HARDCORE athletes.

 

Two Minute Warning

Description: Significant other is nearing home base. 

Reality: You have been Facebooking all day, and he/she is gonna be PISSED that the house isn't clean. 

Benefits: Enhances leadership abilities by ordering children to perform tasks at speeds exponentially faster than normal. Improvisational skills challenged to create a finished product that is similar to "polishing a turd"

 

There it is. Guaranteed to keep you fit, trim, and sane. 

SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not nor will ever be tested by doctors. This is in no way an invitation to try this regimen if you are not prepared to suffer consequences including, but not limited to: insanity, fury, anger, depression, rejection, exasperation, joy, exhaustion, and sudden death. The makers of SooperP90LeanologyExtreme are in no way responsible for any injuries to you, your children, or any small house animals during the performance of these events. SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not been approved, looked at, or even considered by the FDA, but would probably be banned for excessive awesomeness.