SooperP90LeanologyExtreme

I have lots of friends, family, and acquaintances who are joining the movement to get into better shape. With so many different programs out there to help with the process, there is a lot of variety in what to do. I have seen results from all these programs, and they DO work......pretty amazingly, as a matter of fact.

I, however, due to my heart condition, cannot partake in any of these programs. My favorite is the P90X, which a few people I know are doing. The goal of P90X, from what I can tell, is to exercise until you puke.

Instead of partaking in these excellent structured programs, I have created an conglomeration that is more challenging than P90X, more -ology than Shakeology, and more EXTREME than ChiLEAN Extreme.

It's called...............being a stay-at-home parent.

Doubt my results? Try this regimen:

 

Mini-Tri with Extended Posturing

Description: A mini-triathalon, involving the child carry, the phone cradle, and the culinary crunch.

Reality: Comforting a crying child, listening to your significant other ramble about their work day while they are stuck in traffic, and trying to cook dinner, all events run concurrently.

Benefit: Extended periods of using muscles unused in years. Focusing methods enhanced in order to keep track of phone conversation and tune out crying child. Internal timing tested to not burn dinner.

 

Suburban Steeplechase

Description: Obstacle course consisting of items commonly found in interior decorating and miscellaneous house fixtures.

Reality: Child has dangerous/destructive object, and is running with it. Objective is to catch child and remove object.

Benefit: Limber bodies will excel at this event because of thier ability to bend and twist to avoid collision with immovable objects while running.

 

Mock Equestrian Course

Description: Entertain child by pretending to be a horse. Give "rides" to willing participants.

Reality: The last resort to quiet a crying child.

Benefit: None. Joints become sore and ache. 90% of participants in this event walk away limping. Only recommended for HARDCORE athletes.

 

Two Minute Warning

Description: Significant other is nearing home base. 

Reality: You have been Facebooking all day, and he/she is gonna be PISSED that the house isn't clean. 

Benefits: Enhances leadership abilities by ordering children to perform tasks at speeds exponentially faster than normal. Improvisational skills challenged to create a finished product that is similar to "polishing a turd"

 

There it is. Guaranteed to keep you fit, trim, and sane. 

SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not nor will ever be tested by doctors. This is in no way an invitation to try this regimen if you are not prepared to suffer consequences including, but not limited to: insanity, fury, anger, depression, rejection, exasperation, joy, exhaustion, and sudden death. The makers of SooperP90LeanologyExtreme are in no way responsible for any injuries to you, your children, or any small house animals during the performance of these events. SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not been approved, looked at, or even considered by the FDA, but would probably be banned for excessive awesomeness.