My wife is an aesthetician. She has access to all kinds of body creams, exfoliants, scrubs, serums, and other foofy things. She likes to try out new drugstore options too. Like chocolate-scented kids soap. I had the great fortune to join her on a jaunt out to her supply shop yesterday afternoon, where upon I stumbled onto this gem.
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| WHAT. |
If you can't read the THREE FOOT TALL DISPLAY CASE, it is for a product called "Betty". Their slogan is "Color for the hair down there".
Yeah.
It's box dye for your crotches, ladies. A THREE FOOT TALL DISPLAY CASE OF VAGINA DYE.
We'll get back to the crotch coloring in a minute. Let's have a serious discussion, ladies.
I've been married for 14 years. I have the same reaction to seeing a vajay now as I did when I was 17. My eyes widen, my heart races, and I can assure you that the COLOR of the carpet (unless it's hardwood flooring) does not factor into any equation whatsoever. The simple fact that I get to see it is the thing. It could have Medusa tentacles coming out of it, and I would still be in awe. I can't speak for all men, but my guess is that a good majority of them wouldn't even know your original "hair down there" color anyways.
Now, back to the paint by numbers kits. Betty has a website. As I grimaced through this website in absolute awe of the dumbfuckeryness of this whole concept, I saw this page. For Bridal Betty (all the "Betty"s have names. Black is "Black Betty", Ocean Blue is "Malibu Betty", etc.). BRIDAL BETTY COMES WITH STENCILS Y'ALL. So you can be a classy, sophisticated bride bent over the bathtub squeezing food coloring on your lady bits the day before your big day.
So I snicker...wait...wh...........what.............WHAT THE FUCKERY FUCKING FOOK IS THIS?
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This shit is marketed towards MEN too? Oh...it gets better folks. Testimonials from men who were "embarrassed when getting intimate" about how GREY THEIR PUBES WERE. FFS. Okay, look, it might be an issue for some dudes, I get that. But really, it's not a fashion show. The fact that anyone is close enough to even see your crank is a prize in itself.
Have we really gotten this crazy about our body image in society that we need to "spice it up" by changing the color of body hair that the general public doesn't see anyways?
*LE SIGH*
LMFAO. Oh what will they think of next? I thought Vajazzling was bad....wait...you didnt buy any did you?
ReplyDeleteAs much as I LOVE to make a damn fool of myself, crumb, there's NO WAY I could get away with this kind of tomfoolery.
DeleteI am CRYING laughing right now!! But seriously- there's always something out there to make us feel worse about ourselves, isn't there. It's not like your man's going to say "Have you considered a shade of blue for the hair down there? This...whatever you're doing...is throwing off my game." lmao
ReplyDeleteIt's like those lotion commercials that talk about how dry her legs are, and suggest that Mr. Dry Legs doesn't want to have Naked Fun Times because of it. I would have to say that if your man gets the backstage pass and then refuses to seal the deal because of a little dry skin on your legs...your dry legs aren't the problem. ;)
BACKSTAGE PASS. LMAO. I'm so stealing that for my own personal use. Like a rockstar, bitch. :)
DeleteWhy yes indeed, I love me some Smurf Blue pubic hair on me AND my man! ;)
ReplyDeleteGo read my post on Who Has the Fairest Hoo ha. It kinda sums it up like this too!
Please tell me you didn't make McSweetie color his crank. I'll have to check out this post later. I'm watching you, Froog.
DeleteBlue Pubes and Permanent crotch itch. No thanks
ReplyDeleteWould that be the ever elusive Smurf Crabs? ;)
DeleteOk, I tried this stuff maybe 7 years ago. I wasn't impressed. Just wanted to see if I could get the carpet to match the drapes. At least I never got Vajazzled!
DeleteOH HOLY CRAP! I.AM.DYING!!!! Oh, not my pubes, dying from laughing! hahahaha
ReplyDeleteLOL. Dying.
DeleteYour comments are nearly as funny as the post itself! And just think of the added bonus when visiting your gynecologist for that ever-so-fun annual exam! "Oh, I see Malibu Betty is the them of the week!" lol
ReplyDeleteLOL. That would be about the only occasion I could see as a benefit for this product. Imagine the look on the gyno's face when you roll in there with a bright pink cooter.
DeleteYou can always make me laugh!!! Now, THAT is a good time. Forget using it...just gift it to make the person think that You know that They need to use it. What? Does that even make sense?? LOL.. That's a good one!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat gag gift idea. I know what the family Christmas in July party is receiving next year.
DeleteHoly Shiznit. I just found what tops my Christmas list. Nothin says "Merry Christmas dear" like a malibu vajayjay. I hope Farmer Bob is ready for that. Hilarious my friend!
ReplyDeleteLOL. Christmas Betty. Green and red. We need to invent some of this shit.
DeleteThrow in some vagazzling...its a freakin Christmas tree to put a present in...I mean under.
DeleteHardwood flooring... Ahhhhh haa haa haa ha hahahahahahaha! Love it!
ReplyDeleteWe had a discussion on this earlier. BlissDis asked for a more gender-specific term. Hard WOOD was throwing her off. I've heard that about her, though.
DeleteWell am I wrong? The last thing I want my vajajay compared to is hardwood. Right? GOT to be something else...still thinking on this one, Soop.
DeleteThis just made my night! You had me at Medusa Pubes
ReplyDeleteTruth. Turn to stone. The happiest stone dude ever.
DeleteI have to say, as someone who colors my "top" hair a lot, anyone with dark vj hair is going to need to bleach before you can see blue or pink. I think my reaction of "oh HELL no" is warranted.
ReplyDeleteIT BUUUURRRRRRRNNNNNS. I tried to lighten my goatee back in the day and I couldn't even imagine putting that on sensitive areas of the body *shudder*
DeleteOMG! This may very well be the funniest thing I have ever heard! Are we really THAT vain about our appearance that we need to worry about our pubes going gray? Okay I will admit I was distressed when after years of shaving my pubes I decided to allow the carpet to regrow and it came in gray. I never thought for one minute however that I would like to dye it! I merely went back to shaving! The idea of having to regularily dye my private area is a little too much for me! LMAO do people actually DO this?
ReplyDeleteLike someone else said, the replies are just as funny as the post itself, which just about has me in tears from laughing so hard. Backstage pass....love it!
ReplyDeleteSo your telling me I can have a VagaRAINBOW?! But seriously, do they have a unicorn stencil?
ReplyDeletemy wife does glitter tattoos too, Humble. Look what I found on a supply website. You have to scroll a bit.
Deletehttp://www.amerikanbodyart.com/Self-Adhesive-Stencils-Animals_snd_bugs.html
Love this! I wrote a post about vajazzling a few weeks ago after I saw something on it and thought WTF.
ReplyDeletehttp://wp.me/p2xnr0-fg
@sunshinemommy