The 3 Things...

So, for Thursday's posts in the month of October (to prepare for National Novel Writing Month, I'm writing a post a day, remember?) I thought it would be interesting to narrow down a broad topic to three things. For instance, this week will be:

The 3 things...I would go back in time and tell my High School self.

#1. You are a freckled white kid. Act like it.

So, yes, I listened to gangsta rap growing up, and I wore clothing that could have accommodated me and 3 of my closest friends, what's the problem in that? 

Yes, I thought I was a "player", I "dated" a lot of "girls". But, in reality I was really a "dumbass". I had a 1984 Chevy Cavalier with the driver's side bumper crumpled from an accident.....but that didn't stop me. I threw some wheels on that bitch! I had a sound system that was most likely stolen from someone else, and thought that by playing my music loud, I was gaining respect.

What I realize looking back is that my neighbors were just pissed because nobody wants to hear that shit at decibel levels that will drown out the sobs of thier mid-life crisis. Plus, I'm half deaf now. Oh, and the player thing? Yeah, that was just dumb. 

#2. Save your money in an interest-bearing account and for God's sake, buy Google when it goes to IPO.

I had a full time job my junior and senior year of high school, and I saved absolutely zero. I spent my wages on cigarettes (because smoking is cool.......right??), beer (underage is the best tasting beer EVAR!), and tricking out my pimp ride (see above). I never thought about my life after high school, or beyond. If I had saved some money, and thrown it into Google.......let's just say I wouldn't have to write a blog to try to make people laugh. I would pay people to do that.

And I would do this.....constantly.

#3. Meet as many people as you can.

I was, and still am (to a point), an extreme introvert. Growing up, I had the same circle of friends from 7th grade to 5 years out of high school. I never thought that I needed anyone else. However, through my career, and connections through family and other friends, I have met people that are almost as awesome as I am. 

The life experience each person carries is interesting to me. I like knowing people, what they do, and why they do it. I'm thankful for every one of you that has become my friend, either through this blog, or in real life. You have all made my life better.

Except this guy. He's a giant douchebag.......just kidding, Chris.

Swiper......No Swiping! (Not Safe for Kids)

Since I have to please my sugar mama now, and not the other way around, I decided to try to work on my appearance for my wife. I mean, who likes coming home to a man in a tank top and boxers that are a week old?

I decided to try after shave, you know, to smell nice. I have never bought or used aftershave before, so I went with guy code, and bought the cheapest shit I could find. Like Aqua Velva, but cheaper......AQUA BELVA.

Anyways, I used it a couple of times, with no visible effect on my spouse. Hmmm....strange. I didn't use it for about a week after that. 

Then, one night, I went to bed at the same time my wife did (I usually don't). She was already brushing her teeth when I walked in, and looked shocked to see me. I paid no mind, and went about to brushing my te........what the hell? Why do I smell my delicious $1.29 gallon of aftershave? Did I spill it?

My wife started giggling. She had been BUSTED. She poured it out while the water was running, hoping I wouldn't notice. I, as you may believe, was SHOCKED. I asked her what else she had gotten rid of that I didn't know about.....

I am a purveyor of funny/witty T-shirts. I love them. I love wearing them. I love people's reactions to them. My wife got rid of my really funny ones.

1. A shirt, with this picture boldly emblazoned on the front (from my youth)

2. This T-shirt needs no explanation...

And various other awesome shirts and other things from our time together. I thought these items had either been lost during a move, destroyed by the dogs, or hidden by children. I was SHOCKED to learn that my wife had been censoring my awesomeness for all these years.

How many of you have had your spouse/significant others hide something of yours on purpose?