Tuesday, October 4, 2011

You can turn Aunt Mo into Ammo!

A new Alabama company, created by two conservation officers, can now fulfill every hillbilly's dream of getting thier loved ones ashes put where they were sure to want to be before meeting thier untimely demise.


That's right, folks. Holy Smoke LLC will be happy to make your dead outdoorsman/hunter's memorial tribute one to remember. From their website: 

Planning a loved ones final arrangements can be a challenging responsibility, one you want to do with care and consideration. Allow Holy Smoke to help you create a tribute to your outdoorsperson like no other. 

We provide compassionate personal service, exceptional quality, and a truly unique memorial. Our unparalleled service and overall value are why our loyal customers won't go anywhere else. We look forward to serving you! 

By "serving you", what they mean is putting one pound of your loved one's ashes into ammunition, either shotgun shells, rifle, or pistol ammunition, so that you may then use that ammunition to hunt animals...........by killing them with your loved one........

First of all, the process costs $850. And they only use one pound of ash. With weights of ashes from cremations averaging 5 lbs., that leaves 4 pounds of Uncle Jessie to either put in the kitty litter box, or buy more ammo, so that you and your favorite brother/uncle/cousin can have your hunting experiences together even longer!

From the article:

"The people we use are all experienced reloaders and know exactly what we want them to do, he said. "Only one bag of ash will be opened at a time, and the equipment will be thoroughly cleaned before the next set of remains is loaded.

Look, my father is a hunter, and he reloaded his own shells for a while. I can tell you that most likely, at least a quarter of your relative is going to get swept up off the floor.

A typical reloading bench. Not pictured: After reloading.

Oh yeah, one other problem.

People should take care in with how the meat that is shot with this ammunition is handled, cautions Robert Chapin, a toxicologist who worked for 18 years at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences.

The animal should be killed quickly by the shot, to prevent any possibility of spreading the ashes in the animal's blood, he says. The area around where the animal was struck should not be consumed.

The company puts the ashes in a hollow point rifle/pistol round, then seals the point with wax to keep the ashes in. Anyone familiar with ammunition knows that the whole purpose of a hollow point round is to do maximum damage by "mushrooming", or having the surface area of the bullet expand with resistance and basically destroy anything until it stops. Do you see why putting ashes on the end of one of these is a bad idea? You would have to lose a large portion of the meat because Uncle Jessie blew a 3" hole through the side of beef.

So, enjoy your ammo, but me and my "purdy mouth" will try something different.

**Thanks to Rob McManus at ROFLCafe.com for making my banners! Check out his site, it's full of funny web series/shorts. Be sure to watch my new favorite, Jeff Lewis 5 minute Comedy Hour!**

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