FFS Friday

Since my heart attack, Amanda has gone back to school and is working to support us in a small business. While I volleyball back and forth between doctors saying I shouldn't work, I should work, I should stand on my head, I need an elephant heart, etc., we have needed government assistance. I'm not proud of this fact, but it is a fact. I usually don't comment or post about my time at the welfare office, but today was an odd day.....

To the meathead:

We get it. You're a bad dude. If the homemade prison tats didn't clue anybody in, the fact that you held a conversation at a decibel level above that which normal conversations are held, all while cursing loudly and threatening someone's well being, did. I really hope that the "motherfucker" you were "going to kick [his] teeth in" escaped your wrath. For future reference, though, if you plug your headphones into said phone and start listening to "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna loud enough for everyone in the immediate vicinity to hear.....we're going to laugh at you.

"I'm a Barbie girl.....in a Barbie worrrrllld...."

To the methhead couple next to me:

Arguing over who spent your rent money to "party" is dumb. Especially since you weren't fooling anyone since you referenced "party" over 80 times in your argument. Especially since apparently, you both weren't at the same "parties". Everyone knows you were referring to drugs. Nobody is that stupid. Oh, and the tickling/wrestling/dry humping bout you performed for A FUCKING HOUR after the fight? A little overboard. 

P.S. - Asking me for change at a welfare office should be criminally stupid. If I had expendable income, I wouldn't have to be there. Dumbfuck.

"Y'all got a cheeseburger?"

To the security guard:

Quit yelling at the children running around and having a good time. I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say we would rather dodge them and hear them laugh, than stay stationary and SCREAM FOR FOUR HOURS. Oh, and "Security" carries the connotation that you are protecting us against something, so you might want to get your old fat ass up off your ergonomically correct chair and, I don't know, secure the perimeter of the office or something....at least secure the perimeter of your own desk.

To the little girl in front of me with McDonald's:

Your parents should be put to death. It's bad enough that there are 100 people trapped in this office, afraid to get up and lose their place in the rotation, bad enough that most of us had been there for over 4 hours, but you bring in a greasy bag of Mickey Deez and start eating your delicious golden fries ONE BY FUCKING ONE. I'm surprised and disappointed that you did not create a mob scene.

I love my visits to government.

Dude, You've Got an Awesome Ward-Bro-be

What happens if you get a bunch of surfer bros that just want to chill and wear tanks with awesome pictures of them doing bro-like stuff? Well, if you're these guys, you create Mantanks.com. These guys have created a site where you can upload your own pics onto a tank top so you can totally bro out on the weekends.

Go ahead, tell him he's holding that wine glass wrong. The testosterbrone is too much.

Now, if you're looking to do something worthwhile with your textiles (see what I did there?), a family member of mine has actually created a charity that benefits the Los Angeles homeless. The charity is called Povertees, and they sell hand-crafted shirts and use the money to help out the less fortunate in downtown LA. If you have a minute and an extra buck or two, get a shirt or donate to them today! Go and like their Facebook page and visit their website!

#YODO

So, ladies, it's T minus 3 days until you get the baby-oil induced hot flashes thanks to Magic Mike.

However, not to be outdone by this sudden surge of interest in stripping, one man has stepped up to the plate.

Robert Gene White, a 67 year old man from Texas, enjoyed "several lap dances" from the ladies at a local gentlemen's club. When they came at the end of the night to collect on his tab, they found out he was DEAD.

It's like EVERY episode of C.S.I. Las Vegas. EVER.

And this, ladies, is why men are superior. We don't do the dine and dash, we get the grind and go (trademark pending). Because there's nothing better than leaving your earthly body behind covered in glitter and cheap perfume.....maybe some mouthwash from the men's room attendant.......not that I would know anything about that. *cough*

Anyways, Mr. White is my new hero. Not only did he go out doing something he absolutely LOVED, he did it for FREE! He's just as passionate about saving money as he was about seeing naked ladies. So, Mr. White, in honor of you, I've decided to change the #YOLO (You Only Live Once) that all the cool kids seem to be using as an excuse for everything to #YODO (You Only Die Once), in the hopes that when our time comes, our punched ticket will be as great as yours.

Big thanks to Inside the Mind of A Ghetto Genius for showing me this first.

Guest Blog!!

I know I've been away for a few, but if you haven't heard, Manderstanding asked me to write a post for them, so you can check it out here!!!

Would you like my organ inside of you?

Going through my RSS reading, I fancied across this image, which gave me reason to pause....

I had to study it. Every inch.

If you can't read the copy, it reads "Becoming a donor is probably your only chance to get inside her". 

Obviously, with my heart issues, I cannot be a donor anymore, but family and friends have signed up to be donors since my health issues, and for that, I am thankful.....now, back to the ad.

This is the best advertisement by a government entity (albeit Belgian government) to get people to donate organs EVER. And before you ladies get all huffy about sexism or whatever it is you guys bitch about when us men are enjoying advertisements for charities, organ donations, adopting puppies, or whatever good cause we enjoy staring at half naked women for, here are a few reasons why this is the best ad ever.

First off, this ad is from 2008, and while racy, gets the attention of a whole gender. Oh, by the way, the gender the ad is aimed at is found to have better organ compatibility with both genders, so that organs donated by males are typically less-rejected than female organs.

Closer to my wheelhouse, it has also been found that when looking at hearts donated to same-sex patients, males have "significantly improved short- and long-term survival" while "no survival advantage was seen for women with same sex donors".

Now, let's also make sure that it's said that men are typically reluctant to sign up to be organ donors, and therefore, ads like this trying to prod males to register to be organ donors are HELPING the cause, not trying to piss women off. So get over it.

Besides.....she's hot.

FFS Friday

Lately, my wife had an obsession with the Bravo show "Don't Be Tardy For the Wedding", which followed tramp housewife Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta, as she found her dream man, Kroy Biermann, defensive end for the Atlanta Falcons.

It was her.......personality that caught his eye first (allegedly)

Anyways, the show was actually pretty good, and Amanda got me sucked into watching the wedding. Now, Kim's a little crazy, but she had her wedding decked out like a boss.

And, here's where we get to FFS Friday. If you want to go full crazy for your own wedding, you can. Ladies, contain your orgasms.

UGGs brand now has a separate line of WEDDING FOOTWEAR. I couldn't make this shit up.

The Fluff Flip Flop I Do! sandals are a STEAL at $80 because fuck your wedding day, you want comfort, and nothing says comfort like faux-sheep prison flops.

Ladies, you might as well just walk down the aisle in your sweats that say PINK across the back, your hair up in that messy bun, and your tight pajama shirt.

FFS.

Out of the way, we're gettin' married, y'all!!

The 3 Things.....About Facebook

Recently, Facebook went public, and all the complaints about Facebook ON Facebook multiplied exponentially. Even I was not immune to bitching about the operation of my social media provider. Stepping back and looking at it rationally, however, people have little to complain about.

1) Facebook is a FREE SERVICE.

I couldn't alter the font-type any more on the last two words. Bold, underline, and italic are not enough to stress this most important fact to most of the complaints. Basically, the fact that Mr. Zuckerberg kept his website free to use for everyone automatically allows him to auto-answer every complaint with "Go Fuck Yourself." Because you aren't paying for a service, you have no say on what that service does with IT'S OWN CODE. Hate Timeline? MySpace is still open. The new layout giving you fits? Go to Google + and talk to none of your friends. Pics won't upload? I hear Microsoft has a new social network. Wonder how many people are using that....

Pictured: Zuckerberg reading Facebook improvement suggestions.

2) Facebook will NOT use your private information, no matter how much you hear otherwise.

There are a handful of conspiracy theorists that believe that if they input personal information, such as address, date of birth, and gender, that that information goes to advertisers and fan pages. I can see basic demographics on my fan page, such as age, region, and gender, but that's it. No specific addresses, no Social Security numbers. Before you say "Yeah, Soop, but the ads on the right side are based on stuff I post and comment", listen to what you JUST SAID. IF you post something on Facebook, or comment on something on Facebook, it is NOT PRIVATE. THAT is the information they use. The code does not read minds, it finds keywords (most likely misspelled) and targets ads to those keywords. Pretty simple.

3) YOU are NOT the customer.


As much as people tell you that you are Facebook's customer, think about it. Do they make money from a single user? The short answer is: "You're a dumbass." The long answer is that the money that Facebook makes comes from advertisers. The product they sell is access to you. They have over 10 gajillion people they can use as product. Here is a typical Facebook marketing conversation:

Advertiser: "What can we get from your company?"
FB: "Access to 10 gajillion people EVERYDAY."
Advertiser: "Here is our checkbook."

The best part? They don't pay taxes on their product, like the retail businesses and warehouses do. That should start a whole new level of pitchfork and torch carrying. Enjoy!

I Refuse to buy "Feminine Hygiene Products"...

A while back, some of you might have read my post on my improvisation when my son was out of diapers.

Apparently, my boys over at The Art of Manliness decided that I was bush league (pun intended), and posted 10 survival uses for a tampon. A SINGLE TAMPON. 

Now I don't have to do the aisle shuffle of shame when procuring my spouse's hygiene products. I will hold my head up high and say "What?! It's for my blowdart fletchings!"

Think about it. Tampons signify everything horrible in a man's life. No sex, wildly out of control mood swings in the woman, and just general walking on eggshells. There's no wonder that men despise being cornered into having to go to market to purchase these individually wrapped units of evil. Now, however, men can use the excuse that he is "restocking his survival kit" with "vital implements of male domination when faced with daunting challenges from nature". 

Much more interesting than "Feminine Hygiene Products"

Official Man's Weekend Announcement

So, in case you haven't heard from your wife, girlfriend, mistress, maid, waitress, or secretary, there's a movie coming out on June 29th called "Magic Mike".



Yeah....a movie with Channing Tatum and Wooderson as male strippers. As my wife said, "The theater will be full of women and gay guys. My kind of people."

I submit to you, dear SooperDoods, that this gives us ample reason to designate June 29-July 1 "MAN'S WEEKEND". Why a full weekend? Well, all the desperate housewives are going to go watch the movie on the 29th, then cluck about it in their playdate groups for the rest of the weekend anyways, so they won't even notice. So find a sitter, most likely will have to be a teenager, or your older son, since your mother will probably be going to see the movie also.......like mine *shiver*.

Now, let's set forth an agenda for said "MAN'S WEEKEND".

June 29th - Dinner and Drinks with the MEN.

A fine gastric and beer sampling experience is the perfect way to offset your wife's film-based hormonal substitute. May I suggest a little place to begin that is near and dear to my heart....The Tilted Kilt?

She's holding three of my favorite things. With only one hand.

June 30 - Movie night at home

After a hard night of looking at half naked women bringing you food and drinks, it may be hard to snap back to reality. Luckily for you, your significant other will still be swooning over the pecs, abs, and oiled up CGI in that shit movie, so it's time for you to view some real cinematic treasures. Take a look at SooperDad's list, and use what you like.

• Showgirls - a wonderful cinematic adventure through the eyes of Jesse Spano as she struggles to become the best in her field. A feel good story about the coming of age of a teen idol.
• Wild Things - a thriller in which Neve Campbell and Denise Richards are thrown into a love triangle that forces them to make out with each other.
• Poison Ivy II - The sequel was better than the original as Alyssa Milano is misjudged as a troubled teen while being proud of her body. A movie about having self-esteem and being proud of your body.

July 1 - Golf

Golf and drinks with the men. Although, the cart girl will have probably had the vapors also, so the cart dude will drink with you.

Enjoy your time, men. There's no telling when another chance like this will come around again.

FFS Friday!

Remember a few weeks back when I told you the dangers of using holograms in lieu of dead musicians?

IT'S FUCKING HAPPENING.

Here is a link to the whole article. FFS.

The 3 Things....About Digital Stalking

From my post yesterday, I got to thinking about the breadth of information that we can find on the internet, if we know where to look.

1) Digital stalking is an artform.

I used to be in charge of sales representatives. Our jobs were to get in front of decision makers of companies and cultivate a relationship that would make them choose my company over a competitor. The information age has made this INFINITELY easier. Doing a few searches, I found marital status, children's names/ages, birthplace, hobbies/interests, and other little nuances of their personality that could win us a contract. The information we got was harmless, but if a stranger walked up to you and started talking about things you were interested in, related to your marital status, and brought up a few great restaurants in your hometown, it would put you at greater ease than someone bull rushing you with a business proposal.

The result of doing "homework" on a client.

2) Stalking is the new parental control


When I ask my kids about school, I get the same response, without fail, day in and day out.

Me: How'd school go guys?

Kids: Good.

Me: What did you do?

Kids: Nothing. 

As much as I'd love to believe that they stared at the walls and went all Stepford Wives at school, I know that's a lie. Then they ask to go to birthday parties and hang out with friends that they've never mentioned before. When we ask about the friends, the response we get is "They're nice."

That's great. I'm glad you think they're nice. Now, let's check their Facebook pictures. Oh look, he's smoking a cigarette. Here's another one of him kicking a kitten. Oh, look, he's throwing up a gang sign. Sure you can go over there.....to say that you are not allowed to ever talk to him again. I'll wait in the car.

6th graders sure have evolved.

3) It is a double-edged sword.

When I get a new friend on Facebook, I make sure to go through their photos to see what their life is like since I've seen them last. I also from time to time, search for people in my past life that I haven't heard from in a while, or antagonists that have helped shape me into what I am today. 

The problem with that is that you may not like what you find. The guy I got in trouble with for shoplifting? He's now a priest. Not even a "business suit on Sunday, dress shirt and jeans weekdays" pastor, he's a full out "robes DAILY" pastor. This is typical of some of the personal transformations you'll find. Life is funny that way. Some people blossom late, some people find their calling, some people run their lives into the ground. You may find friends that were just like you are now drug riddled criminals, while the girl that you picked on is now a supermodel. Good luck.

Remember the girl that you called "Thunder Rolls" because she was fat, and liked Garth Brooks? Apparently she still likes country music.

The Post of Shame...

In the past decades, punishment of children has received some major overhauls. Parents are afraid to spank, replacing it with timeouts. Groundings take place in a bedroom, usually with a cable TV, computer, cell phone, and radio. What is an appropriate punishment for children of the information age?

A few months ago, father Tommy Jordan took to YouTube to refute his daughter's rant on Facebook about how bad of a parent he was.


How did he find his daughter's rant? WHILE UPGRADING HER LAPTOP PER HER REQUEST. See, Mr. Jordan is an IT guy....which means he works with computers everyday. So, posting a rant about your overbearing dad on a website that he probably knows your password to, and if he doesn't, I'm sure he could have found it....probably isn't the best idea. It's the equivalent of a cop's kid ripping off a bank, or one of the Kardashians going to someone besides their mom to release their latest sex tape. It's going to end badly.

Enter the newest parent into the social media punishment ring. ReShonda Tate Billingsley, an author and journalist. ReShonda's daughter decided to do something stupid on Facebook.

She apparently decided to post pictures of her drinking alcohol with friends, or her dumbass friends decided to tag her in pictures where she was drinking alcohol because they're idiots. In any case, her mom (probably on her friends list) caught wind of it, and made her upload this pic before locking down her account.

BRILLIANT.

Social humiliation is quickly becoming a viable option for parents to punish their children. Because children spend so much time texting, IM-ing, and on Facebook and Twitter, why not destroy the images they've built in these arenas? It's no secret that the internet is a curtain to hide your imperfections. Everyone does it to an extent. When those facades come crashing down around you, it can serve to remind you of yourself. Kids need some of that every now and then.

Zombies won't eat reporters.....they have no brains.

With all the recent cannibalistic attacks around Miami, and spreading westward (no, I'm not linking to them because they're disgusting, just know that there are more than a handful, and drugs are involved in most), society has become quick to pull the trigger with using the term "zombie" when describing them.

Zombie culture is coming back into mainstream, and from experience, at my Comicon attendance, there were numerous people dressed as zombies walking around. There's even a local group of "family-friendly" zombies that you can invite to your functions. Our local comic shop has a Zombie Walk every now and then, which regularly closes streets downtown.

Here's the problem. My oldest kids and I just started watching The Walking Dead. It's TV-14, and I gave a little leeway, as parents are wont to do. My kids love scary things, and they don't get scared. They DID, however, have some questions about zombies. Of course, I told them there were no such things as zombies, and that it was all fake.

And then, the news comes along and shits on my parenting skills.

How do I combat this?

I give them the following word problem:

Zombies = people that are undead = died, then came back to life.

Dad = my heart stopped 4 times in the hospital = I died 4 times.

Dad = Zombie.

I win at parenting.

Netflix.....you sux.

Quiet Sunday at home with my 4, and my 5 nieces and nephews. I decided to check out some movies online that my kids might enjoy.

The week before we saw Avengers on Mother's Day, my family and I watched all the superhero films that were in the movie: Captain America, Thor, Iron Man 1 and 2, but left out the Hulk, because Mark Ruffalo.

The reason we got to see the Avengers on Mother's Day.

Anyways, the kids did really well sitting through all 4 of those movies AND The Avengers, so I tempted fate by trying to increase the streak. I have been having an itch to rewatch the X-Men movies, and finally watch Wolverine's movie. Cue Netflix.

Netflix doesn't have ANY of them. I checked Hulu AND Amazon streaming, and neither do they. WTF?

Here's where we get back to Netflix sucking.

Instead of having any of the original X-Men trilogy, X-Men: First Class, or X-Men Origins: Wolverine, THIS is what greeted me as the "Newest Arrivals"

Go ahead and take all of that awesomeness in for a second........

They don't stream ANY of the 5 X-Men movies......but Honey 2 is "Most Popular" today. The direct-to-DVD movie. The fucking street dancing movie. At least the first one had Jessica Alba in a tight top so guys had something to stare at while the horrible story unfolded.

Oh, and by the way, they recently added Urban Cowboy, because fuck Wolverine, that's why. And what do we have next to Urban Cowboy? Baby Boy, a movie about an unemployed BICYCLE MECHANIC living in Los Angeles. The movie has Tyrese and Snoop Dogg, who, you will be shocked to learn, was not nominated for an Oscar for his performance. Shocking. And next to that......is that 50 Cent? What the hell is 50 Cent doing in a movie? With Ray Liotta and Mario Van Peebles? oh....wait a second. 50 Cent wrote the fucking movie? Ugh.

And let's not forget the Gary Shandling obligitory pile of trash in the upper right hand corner. Mind you, these 5 were the only movies that I picked on. There were more.

Here's where it gets interesting.

Here are the review scores for these movies from RottenTomatoes.com:

Honey 2 - 5% of critics liked the movie, 45% of audience 

Urban Cowboy - a respectable 77% for both critics and audience......but it's still over 30 years old.

Baby Boy - A surprising 71% for critics, 85% for audience....wow. I'm really shocked.

All Things Fall Apart - No critic rating, 49% for audience.

X-Men: First Class - 87% critics, 88% audience

Granted, some of the X-Men movies are lower than Baby Boy, but come on. Then I got to poking around and there are NO superhero movies on Netflix, except for Superman 2 and Iron Man. No Batman, no Spider-Man, no Hulk. 

Get your heads out of your asses Netflix. I know the whole Qwikster thing lost you a ton of cash, as it well should have, but pull some better negotiations for licensing, so we can watch Wolverine instead of Leprechaun 74: Leprechaun in Da Nursing Home.

FFS Friday!

I had something else planned for today, but this headline caught my eye this morning.

Green Lantern is gay.

First of all, YES, THIS IS ANOTHER COMIC BOOK POST. GET OVER IT.

Second of all, understand that I have no issue with gay people or the LGBT community. None whatsoever. I feel that what you do is your biznass. What I DO have an issue with is using sexuality for shock value.

DC has caught some heat for it's "New 52", the rebooting of basically every superhero they have. Apparently, in the reboot of Green Lantern, DC is making the decision to make Alan Scott (the original Green Lantern) openly gay.

Here's why this is FFS worthy. Green Lantern is one of the few superheroes that can manifest itself in a different person. The ring has been with no less than SIX different people during the original DC run.

So, if DC wanted to make an openly gay superhero (that could change hosts), why not just introduce a NEW Green Lantern? Some reboots of classic superheroes this sexuality shift could be difficult, but the "he who holds the ring" status of the Green Lantern lends itself to easily creating a new persona whenever artists feel the need for a fresh start. Or...why can't there be a BRAND NEW openly gay superhero?

It's a huge honor for the LGBT community to have a hero with the status of Green Lantern, but if DC was really committed to honoring gays with a superhero, and they weren't just in it to raise eyebrows and sell comics, why wouldn't they invest time into creating an awesome storyline with an awesome new superhero to give the gay community a superhero they could rally behind?

FFS DC.