SooperReflections Sunday

It sucks when you have to tell someone that their surprise got ruined. :(

Having a large extended family means we get top value out of clothes. My youngest son just got handed down pajamas from my nephew that we originally bought for my 8 year old.

I used to think sushi was for hipster rich kids. I am now adjusting my budget to be able to afford it more often.

I'm going to quit buying cereal for my two youngest children. They would rather have store-brand barbecue potato chips for breakfast.

I would now like to thank Pixar for sucking every possible cent of expendable income from me.

My computer sounds like an airplane preparing for takeoff. I'm worried that it might be a small dirty bomb waiting to go off.

Sieckman children's goal for preparedness = making sure there's a roll of toilet paper BEFORE they start going.

I used to think my father was crazy because he spoke to inanimate objects and unseen people. Now I do it. And I'm beginning to relate to cartoon characters. (Help........me)

Have a good Sunday!

It's Faturday!

About a month ago, I learned that Denny's had added some new items to their menu. I immediately thought, "At last! Now when my friends are drunk and/or high at 3 a.m., I know that they can have comfort food!".

My second thought (of course), was a Facebook post.

Since then, some family members (yeah, I'm looking at you, Mychele) have thrown thier cardiac caution to the wind, and partaken in these dairy delights. Alas, because of my prediliction toward MY HEART STOPPING, I don't want to chance eating these dreamy delicacies, which probably taste like angel's kisses and rainbows. 

But, for my ausum readers, I have found another glorious recipe for grilled cheese. And what does this deliciousness include? Brie, ham, apples, cinnamon, and....oh yeah, F'ING CINNAMON BUNS FOR THE BREAD.

You're welcome.

Bork Bork!

WTFriday!

Walking through the hell that is my neighborhood Wal-Mart the other day (I couldn't get out of it), and I'm struck dumb by this image...

That's right, fools! It's a MIXED MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING CENTER in my Wal-Mart. UFC better watch out...

......AAANNNNNNND FIGHTING OUT OF THE BLUE CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT A SVELTE 190 POUNDS, HE HAS A MIXED MARTIAL ARTS RECORD OF 456 WINS, NO LOSSES, AND ONE DRAW AGAINST A RABID POLAR BEAR.....HE IS AN ORANGE BELT, A MASTER OF THE CHEE-TOE STYLE OF MARTIAL ARTS.....TRAINING FROM THE SUPER WAL-MART OF GILBERT, ARIZONA.........THE DOUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHBBOOOOOOOYYYYY, BREEEEEEEENNNNNT SIIIEEEEEEECCCCKKKKKMMMMAAAAAAANNNNN......

Have a good weekend, all!

The 3 Things...

So, for Thursday's posts in the month of October (to prepare for National Novel Writing Month, I'm writing a post a day, remember?) I thought it would be interesting to narrow down a broad topic to three things. For instance, this week will be:

The 3 things...I would go back in time and tell my High School self.

#1. You are a freckled white kid. Act like it.

So, yes, I listened to gangsta rap growing up, and I wore clothing that could have accommodated me and 3 of my closest friends, what's the problem in that? 

Yes, I thought I was a "player", I "dated" a lot of "girls". But, in reality I was really a "dumbass". I had a 1984 Chevy Cavalier with the driver's side bumper crumpled from an accident.....but that didn't stop me. I threw some wheels on that bitch! I had a sound system that was most likely stolen from someone else, and thought that by playing my music loud, I was gaining respect.

What I realize looking back is that my neighbors were just pissed because nobody wants to hear that shit at decibel levels that will drown out the sobs of thier mid-life crisis. Plus, I'm half deaf now. Oh, and the player thing? Yeah, that was just dumb. 

#2. Save your money in an interest-bearing account and for God's sake, buy Google when it goes to IPO.

I had a full time job my junior and senior year of high school, and I saved absolutely zero. I spent my wages on cigarettes (because smoking is cool.......right??), beer (underage is the best tasting beer EVAR!), and tricking out my pimp ride (see above). I never thought about my life after high school, or beyond. If I had saved some money, and thrown it into Google.......let's just say I wouldn't have to write a blog to try to make people laugh. I would pay people to do that.

And I would do this.....constantly.

#3. Meet as many people as you can.

I was, and still am (to a point), an extreme introvert. Growing up, I had the same circle of friends from 7th grade to 5 years out of high school. I never thought that I needed anyone else. However, through my career, and connections through family and other friends, I have met people that are almost as awesome as I am. 

The life experience each person carries is interesting to me. I like knowing people, what they do, and why they do it. I'm thankful for every one of you that has become my friend, either through this blog, or in real life. You have all made my life better.

Except this guy. He's a giant douchebag.......just kidding, Chris.

Everyday I'm Stumblin....

After Rob at ROFLCafe made this banner for me yesterday, the gauntlet was thrown down. I am going to StumbleUpon until I find the first 5 awesomest websites!

#5 - Burning ants is for sissies.

In this clip, a scientist shows the host how sunlight, concentrated by a huge mirror into a single point, can burn the F out of anything......including rocks. Yeah, I know you say "Rocks don't melt! LOL!", and this guy says "Science, bitches."

Here is how I think this project got started:

Scientist: "...and that's why I need money for this project." *passes joint*

Banker: "But what good will mankind benefit from such a project?" *PPPPUUUUUFFFFFF*

Scientist: "It will like, show people that the most destructive force in the entire universe is right above our heads every day, and that if someone wanted to mess with us, they would just have to get a really big mirror. Plus I get to melt a lot of cool shit."

Banker: "Sold! Start tomorrow."

#4 - Artists are very needy.

I stumbled across this in a different webpage, but it wouldn't let me embed video, so I had to find it on YouTube.

Sure, you wish you could do something like this to that dumbass in the movies that likes the soft glow of his trendy iphone so much he has to check it every 5 minutes to see if he's important to someone, but this is different.

First, I have never seen a string quintet (?) playing out in the open in a mall setting....I'm still trying to find the violin case into which people are supposed to throw thier money. 

Second, the guy these people harass is OBVIOUSLY INNOCENT! Look at him, he was obviously dragged there by his overbearing girlfriend/wife, and with more interest in baseball than Beethoven, he decided to ring his buddy to talk about the latest scores. Poor guy.

#3 - My First Strategy Guide

Is your child coming home from school distraught because the Rock, Paper Scissors champ of Eastside Elementary is giving him/her a hard time? 

Via flowingdata.com 

You're welcome little geeks.

#2 - I didn't know my dad was a website designer.

Next, I stumbled on the Amazing Fact Generator from mentalfloss.com. I tried it out for about 7-1/2 hours, and have now devoted my life to uncovering the conspiracy of how they retrieved every bit of useless trivial information from my father's brain. I think it had a lot of black-suited men and alien technology.

#1 - "I Shot that Mutha@#$ka up........with knowledge!"

And for my last stumble of www.wednesdays, I found this list of the top 10 intellectual rappers. I paused, because this intrigued me. I always thought that a firm grasp of the english language and ability to weave tales of lore regarding drugs, hookers, and violence, was already enough to put being a rapper in the top tier of intellectual pursuits. Alas, I was mistaken. I only knew 2 of the 10, and apparently, being intellectual does not lend itself to popularity in the rap game. However, I do like #1's "handle" - Aesop Rock. Because his name references an already historic rapper.

Yes, that's Aesop Rock. The white guy with the long hair. No...really.

You can turn Aunt Mo into Ammo!

A new Alabama company, created by two conservation officers, can now fulfill every hillbilly's dream of getting thier loved ones ashes put where they were sure to want to be before meeting thier untimely demise.

IN FREAKING AMMUNITION........FOR GUNS.

That's right, folks. Holy Smoke LLC will be happy to make your dead outdoorsman/hunter's memorial tribute one to remember. From their website: 

Planning a loved ones final arrangements can be a challenging responsibility, one you want to do with care and consideration. Allow Holy Smoke to help you create a tribute to your outdoorsperson like no other. 

We provide compassionate personal service, exceptional quality, and a truly unique memorial. Our unparalleled service and overall value are why our loyal customers won't go anywhere else. We look forward to serving you! 

By "serving you", what they mean is putting one pound of your loved one's ashes into ammunition, either shotgun shells, rifle, or pistol ammunition, so that you may then use that ammunition to hunt animals...........by killing them with your loved one........

First of all, the process costs $850. And they only use one pound of ash. With weights of ashes from cremations averaging 5 lbs., that leaves 4 pounds of Uncle Jessie to either put in the kitty litter box, or buy more ammo, so that you and your favorite brother/uncle/cousin can have your hunting experiences together even longer!

From the article:

"The people we use are all experienced reloaders and know exactly what we want them to do, he said. "Only one bag of ash will be opened at a time, and the equipment will be thoroughly cleaned before the next set of remains is loaded.

Look, my father is a hunter, and he reloaded his own shells for a while. I can tell you that most likely, at least a quarter of your relative is going to get swept up off the floor.

A typical reloading bench. Not pictured: After reloading.

Oh yeah, one other problem.

People should take care in with how the meat that is shot with this ammunition is handled, cautions Robert Chapin, a toxicologist who worked for 18 years at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences.

The animal should be killed quickly by the shot, to prevent any possibility of spreading the ashes in the animal's blood, he says. The area around where the animal was struck should not be consumed.

The company puts the ashes in a hollow point rifle/pistol round, then seals the point with wax to keep the ashes in. Anyone familiar with ammunition knows that the whole purpose of a hollow point round is to do maximum damage by "mushrooming", or having the surface area of the bullet expand with resistance and basically destroy anything until it stops. Do you see why putting ashes on the end of one of these is a bad idea? You would have to lose a large portion of the meat because Uncle Jessie blew a 3" hole through the side of beef.

So, enjoy your ammo, but me and my "purdy mouth" will try something different.

**Thanks to Rob McManus at ROFLCafe.com for making my banners! Check out his site, it's full of funny web series/shorts. Be sure to watch my new favorite, Jeff Lewis 5 minute Comedy Hour!**

The Great Gender Divide

Since the beginning of time, men have been hunters, we killed food to sustain life. We go to work to make the money to pay the bills to sustain life. 

So what happens when you take a hunter out of the wilds? I think I speak for all males when I say "Thank you ladies, but getting mad over not doing what you thought I was going to do is dumb."

I have been having some issues with this lately....especially with the "fairer" *chucklesnort* sex. Let's see if I can explain this.....

When women say: "You need a red shirt for my family reunion. My great-grandparents are going to be there, and they really want to meet you!"

What they expect:

What they get:

I don't see the problem here.

When women say: "Let's go out for a drink tonight. It's been a long week, and I miss you."

What they expect:

What they get:

Still unaware of a problem....

When women say: "You're making fish tonight? Awwww, you're so sweet!"

What they expect:

What they get:

Maybe she's mad because there's no tartar sauce on that plate?

When women say: "Can you put on some music? Something good.."

What they expect:

What they get:

again.....I see no problem.

When women say: "Don't get me anything for my birthday, really!"

What they expect:

What they get:

So we remember stuff 3 hours before deadline. I call this being awesome under pressure.

Ugh. Say what you want, ladies, because if you leave it up to us, you get what you get. Remember, we're the gender that used to chase down and kill WILD F'ING ANIMALS. Don't expect us to think the same way you do.