WTFriday!

As I get into my cleaning routine, I like to have some tunes on. Luckily, Cox has a station that plays music videos...(remember when MTV did that? Now they have 3 stations, and the best we get is "The Situation"?)
My youngest daughter loves to watch the videos. She is beginning to foster her love for music.
The day this pic was taken, she came out with this item, and sat on the couch, watching the TV. I asked her why she had this on the couch, and what she was doing, and she said....
"I'm hanging out with Justin Beaver (sic)" *emphasis mine
Thank you society.

Does this make my butt look AWESOME?

Guys. We've all got the butt question before. You know, the one that your significant other asks when you're going out in public, and he/she wants to look really, really good because she's going out with your sloppy ass? "Does this make my butt look big?"

You'll have better luck explaining the tax code to a 2nd grader.

There's no right answer to this question. If you say no, you're lying. If you say yes, you're a jerk. The only way out of this catch-22 is to mumble something incoherently, and nod and agree with whatever comes out of her mouth immediately afterwards.

Now, guys. Now women have a whole new game plan. I introduce to you, D.Hedral underwear for men.

My female readership just increased by a factor of ten.

"What's so special about these chonies, SooperDad?", you ask. See that "Y" shape up there? The man-thong? Allegedly, it's to help your ass out...

D.HEDRAL underwear is designed to become your second skin.

We achieve this using our ANGLEFIT technology to create a unique shape that fits your bum perfectly. 

Ah, yes. Our "second skin". Because it's so convincing that you have the average joe's best interest in mind when you post a pic of THAT GUY wearing your male lingerie. Why not post Bubba at 250 and tout the strength of your elastic waistband holding up his beer gut? I bet your "second skin" would look FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC on Gilbert Gottfried. It's OBVIOUS who this target market is. It's not dudes like you and me, who watch football and pound bacon and fried snack foods into our gullets. 

Do these carbs make my gut look big?

The 3 Things....About Arizona Rainfall

It was raining this morning when I walked my kids to school. For those of you that have never experienced an Arizona rainfall, you must have either never been here, or visited on one of the 360 days we don't have rain.

Which leaves the 5 other days of the year that people lose their freaking minds. So here are the 3 things that make me laugh about Arizona rainfalls.

#3 - It's a news item.

I understand that weather is news, technically, but here in AZ, they LEAD OFF the broadcast talking about the less than an inch of rain that was scattered throughout the valley. They show random shots of rain falling in various parts of the valley, and drivers going over roads with barely enough water to slough off the tires. Come to think of it, the same news outlet that coined "Haboob" also brought a new term to us a while back, remember "Microburst"?

#2 - The "I Just..." Guy/Girl

While I'm sure this isn't just an Arizona thing, without fail, you will run into the "I Just..." guy or girl. For instance, a co-worker says "I just got my car washed/pulled weeds/watered my landscaping/any other thing that rain could possibly disturb and make life impossible for this person".

I had to watch the forecast for my job. If it rains here, the construction sites shut down, and we had to give a free day for those that asked. If we knew rain was coming, we could plan accordingly. The simple fact is that the meteorolgists here don't have it that rough. And they really do tell us it's going to rain when it actually IS going to rain. Tell these people to check the weather, and then punch them in the face.

#3 - People lose thier ever-loving minds

The amount and insane-ness of stupidity on Arizona roads when it is raining is multiplied by any factor of 10. People forget thier exits and make a 4 lane dive to try to make it. A 65 speed limit sign suddenly looks like 35 to rainbiciles. Off the roads, most of the people walk around in a daze, as if the cloud cover blocked their brain solar panels.....

2 parts Hydrogen, 1 part Oxygen = A million morons.

Rub some dirt in it, son.....

Amanda graduates from Aesthetics school this week, so she's been a little preoccupied, (and stressed, understandably). Since she is busy preparing for finals and studying up, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot more one on four time with my kids. I usually try to stay out of it when Amanda gets home, because she doesn't get to see them for very long before I make them walk the Green Mile down to their bedrooms for sleep.

I decided to take the kids down to the park today, (a rare treat because I'm severly allergic to grass). Since their mom couldn't go, I decided to take my time, try my patience, and let them truly just be children. Laugh, yell, fight, chase each other...you know, like Jessica Simpson's relationships. Then I noticed that pretty much all the playgrounds around where I live are clones of each other. What a way to spark creative and imaginitive play. Here's 2 slides. One is BIG. One is small. Whatever. There has to be a cooler, more imaginitive way to not only increase the excitement and appreciation of our children, but to challenge them for the long road ahead as well!

So, lets see the MMAD (Mr. Mom Awesome Dad) Playground Proposal!

In order to teach our children the dangers of the outside world, we need appropriate exercises to help them adapt and recognize the situations in the future. Sure, the slides would translate if a plane had to make an emergency landing, and monkey bars would be used...........if you're crossing that jungle ravine in your grandma's backyard, but it's time to update our children's play equipment.

EVENT 1: The Dysfunctional Family Holiday

Photo: http://www.weeville.com

To prepare children for the inevitable shock that is going to see your family (or your in-laws), this simulated holiday gathering will teach children the following social skills:

• Personal safety - Avoiding the creepy drunk uncle that talks too close to you.
• Taking your lumps - Testing skin elasticity from grandmothers and aunts who like to pinch cheeks
• Conflict negotiation - Ability will be tested by breaking up fistfights between distant cousins
• Emotional mentoring - Measured by the ability to calm your simulated mother, who is sobbing and emotional because her gathering is ruined and her life is leading nowhere.

EVENT 2: The Ice Cream Truck Mini-Marathon

Photo: http://www.littlecomptonroadrace.org

Everyone has chased the ice cream man a few blocks in their lives, but with the fast-paced, technologically advanced world we now live in, the chase is becoming obsolete. We release a stocked ice cream truck and allow children to sprint after it. After 4 miles, the truck stops and allows those who have stayed in the race to get ice cream. This event will teach children the following critical thinking skills:

• Knowing when to say when - After running 4 miles after the ice cream truck, is your bomb pop really going to be enough to say "It was worth it"?
• Resource gathering/allocation - At the end of the race, the ice cream will not be free. The children have to have their own money, if not, they just ran 4 miles for NOTHING. See also: Preparedness.
• The importance of being a good sport or winning - Depending on the child's personal outlook, the children will have to decide whether or not to trip the child in front of him/her, or sabotage the children behind him/her. No penalties will be given, just shame and disgrace from onlookers.
• Physical Fitness - The importance of rewarding yourself after a vigorous workout is important, especially with ice cream.....except....you know, if you're a diabetic. Maybe they shouldn't do this one.

EVENT 3: The High School Enigma

Photo: http://www.washingtonexaminer.com

The filth that is being propagated from Disney with the High School Musical franchise are letting children believe that high school is a party...with music, and friends that care about you, and dancing......lots of dancing. Here is what MMAD Playground's High School Simulator will teach your children:

• Humility - It doesn't matter how cool or smart or funny you are, there is no chance in hell you're dating the captain of the cheerleading squad.
• Starting Over - The friends you've built over the years at elementary school are now too cool to hang out with you. The girl you liked has now started to wear black lipstick and carving her own tattoos into her flesh. You are the only normal one here..........GO!
• Avoiding Outside Influences - There are influence from the major gangs around the high school society. The Jocks, Valley Girls, Goth/Emo Kids, A/V Squad, Greasers, and Boozers are all looking for you to join their ranks....what will you do?!?

 

Sounds like a MMAD's dream!........Nah, I'll stick with the plain ol slides. These kids look a lot happier than they should be. Love them to death.

My Angel. She ate concrete on her scooter on the way home, hence her bandage.

My Genius.

My Princess.

My Bruiser.

 

50 Shades of *CENSORED*

So....

My wife is an aesthetician. She has access to all kinds of body creams, exfoliants, scrubs, serums, and other foofy things. She likes to try out new drugstore options too. Like chocolate-scented kids soap. I had the great fortune to join her on a jaunt out to her supply shop yesterday afternoon, where upon I stumbled onto this gem.

WHAT.

If you can't read the THREE FOOT TALL DISPLAY CASE, it is for a product called "Betty". Their slogan is "Color for the hair down there".

Yeah.

It's box dye for your crotches, ladies. A THREE FOOT TALL DISPLAY CASE OF VAGINA DYE.

We'll get back to the crotch coloring in a minute. Let's have a serious discussion, ladies.

I've been married for 14 years. I have the same reaction to seeing a vajay now as I did when I was 17. My eyes widen, my heart races, and I can assure you that the COLOR of the carpet (unless it's hardwood flooring) does not factor into any equation whatsoever. The simple fact that I get to see it is the thing. It could have Medusa tentacles coming out of it, and I would still be in awe. I can't speak for all men, but my guess is that a good majority of them wouldn't even know your original "hair down there" color anyways.

Now, back to the paint by numbers kits. Betty has a website. As I grimaced through this website in absolute awe of the dumbfuckeryness of this whole concept, I saw this page. For Bridal Betty (all the "Betty"s have names. Black is "Black Betty", Ocean Blue is "Malibu Betty", etc.). BRIDAL BETTY COMES WITH STENCILS Y'ALL. So you can be a classy, sophisticated bride bent over the bathtub squeezing food coloring on your lady bits the day before your big day.

So I snicker...wait...wh...........what.............WHAT THE FUCKERY FUCKING FOOK IS THIS?

BOTTOM. LEFT. CORNER.

This shit is marketed towards MEN too? Oh...it gets better folks. Testimonials from men who were "embarrassed when getting intimate" about how GREY THEIR PUBES WERE. FFS. Okay, look, it might be an issue for some dudes, I get that. But really, it's not a fashion show. The fact that anyone is close enough to even see your crank is a prize in itself.

Have we really gotten this crazy about our body image in society that we need to "spice it up" by changing the color of body hair that the general public doesn't see anyways?

*LE SIGH*

SooperP90LeanologyExtreme

I have lots of friends, family, and acquaintances who are joining the movement to get into better shape. With so many different programs out there to help with the process, there is a lot of variety in what to do. I have seen results from all these programs, and they DO work......pretty amazingly, as a matter of fact.

I, however, due to my heart condition, cannot partake in any of these programs. My favorite is the P90X, which a few people I know are doing. The goal of P90X, from what I can tell, is to exercise until you puke.

Instead of partaking in these excellent structured programs, I have created an conglomeration that is more challenging than P90X, more -ology than Shakeology, and more EXTREME than ChiLEAN Extreme.

It's called...............being a stay-at-home parent.

Doubt my results? Try this regimen:

 

Mini-Tri with Extended Posturing

Description: A mini-triathalon, involving the child carry, the phone cradle, and the culinary crunch.

Reality: Comforting a crying child, listening to your significant other ramble about their work day while they are stuck in traffic, and trying to cook dinner, all events run concurrently.

Benefit: Extended periods of using muscles unused in years. Focusing methods enhanced in order to keep track of phone conversation and tune out crying child. Internal timing tested to not burn dinner.

 

Suburban Steeplechase

Description: Obstacle course consisting of items commonly found in interior decorating and miscellaneous house fixtures.

Reality: Child has dangerous/destructive object, and is running with it. Objective is to catch child and remove object.

Benefit: Limber bodies will excel at this event because of thier ability to bend and twist to avoid collision with immovable objects while running.

 

Mock Equestrian Course

Description: Entertain child by pretending to be a horse. Give "rides" to willing participants.

Reality: The last resort to quiet a crying child.

Benefit: None. Joints become sore and ache. 90% of participants in this event walk away limping. Only recommended for HARDCORE athletes.

 

Two Minute Warning

Description: Significant other is nearing home base. 

Reality: You have been Facebooking all day, and he/she is gonna be PISSED that the house isn't clean. 

Benefits: Enhances leadership abilities by ordering children to perform tasks at speeds exponentially faster than normal. Improvisational skills challenged to create a finished product that is similar to "polishing a turd"

 

There it is. Guaranteed to keep you fit, trim, and sane. 

SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not nor will ever be tested by doctors. This is in no way an invitation to try this regimen if you are not prepared to suffer consequences including, but not limited to: insanity, fury, anger, depression, rejection, exasperation, joy, exhaustion, and sudden death. The makers of SooperP90LeanologyExtreme are in no way responsible for any injuries to you, your children, or any small house animals during the performance of these events. SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not been approved, looked at, or even considered by the FDA, but would probably be banned for excessive awesomeness.

What I say about Hope....Hope 2012...a blog relay

A blog relay. Hm. Interesting in theory. When my ladays Slice of Humble and What I Really Meant to Say Was... posted their hope stories, I read them and thought "No way. I live in a world without hope. Unless by hope they mean, I hope Kate Upton will deliver me hot wings and a pitcher tonight."

But I got tagged, so, here goes nothing.

Like Humble, I recently had a child get sick enough to visit the hospital. No overnight stay, but an ER visit. My wife ended up taking her, and reporting this story back to me.

While they were sitting in the ER, a young boy, around age 7 or 8, rushed in, carrying his little sister in his arms. His little sister (probably 3 or 4) was having a seizure, had soiled herself, and was still in the midst of convulsing. The nurses took his sister and him into a room near my daughter's and began cleaning her up and taking care of her.

My wife said the little boy knew all of his sister's medical information, her condition, her pediatrician, her specialist, and her medications. This was obviously not the first time he's had to do this for his sister. At this point, I asked my wife the same question I'm sure all of you are wondering, "Where the hell are these kids' parents?"

Don't know the answer to that. I prefer to believe that they were on their way to the hospital from their jobs where they were working hard to provide the care their children need. The short answer is, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that this boy stopped everything because his little sister needed his help. How long do you think it took to remember her medications? Her doctors? How to pronounce her condition? HE DID THIS. He did it because she needed it. That information isn't going to benefit him. He did it to help his sister.

The boy gave me hope. Hope that the future generation may not be so bad. Hope that family will win out over vanity. Hope that empathy is still alive and well. Hope that my kids will have even a smidgeon of the qualities that this boy showed by simply helping his sibling.

Since Melanie Crutchfield is collecting snippets for her "Closing Ceremonies" on August 10th, and it's now August 11th, I'm going to tag people to participate just because I enjoy hearing everyone's stories. :)


Story of a Girl

the crumb diaries

Craughing

Willy Wonka is a Wanker

So, to make use of the interwebz while I have them, I have decided to post about something I had stored in the vault for a rainy day.

Remember Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Remember Willy Wonka, the recluse candy mogul that needed an heir to his candy fortune, so he sent out golden tickets? Remember the kids licking the penis flavored wallpaper?

What??

I came across this article, which found an later, little known work of Ronald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The 1979 book My Uncle Oswald was apparently Mr. Dahl's foray into "adult fiction".....more of a 50 Shades kind of fiction, if you get my drift.

Mr. Dahl revisited the word "snozzberries", which he used in describing the flavor of the wallpaper in the Factory. Except this time, someone was grabbing a dude's snozzberry....and twisting. Here's a hint: Only dudes have snozzberries. Yeah. Makes you wonder about James and his Giant Peach too, doesn't it? Or the BFG?

Welcome to the land of ruined childhoods. Seating One?

Edit: forgot the fucking article link. Dumbass.

Musical MANday

I heard a song on the radio this weekend and it got me giggling. More on that in a second.

The song was by Jamie Foxx, and it brought back a memory. I used to work for a company that rented construction equipment to contractors. Once, we had a film shooting in my territory, and my awesome sales rep secured the deal, so we put a ton of equipment out at the location. I didn't get out in the field at all, but my rep and I worked pretty closely making sure this deal went smoothly from beginning to end. She ended up taking me for a visit to the location (which was AWESOME, and my first and only "Hollywood" experience).

And Arizona resembles the Middle East, apparently.

Anyways, we talked to some of the people on site, and one person, that had worked with Jamie Foxx before said, and I quote, "You better lock up your wives and daughters when he gets here". No smile, no nervous laugh. Dead serious.

Anyways, this song came on, and reminded me of the video. And this is why I laughed. Because, apparently, when going to a club, Mr. Foxx keeps some pimp ass company. Forest Whitaker? PIMP. Samuel L. Jackson? MEGAFUCKINGPIMP. Jake Gyllenhall? ....ok....maybe?

And then, the ultimate wingman. The biggest lady killer out there. The first person you should think of when you're asked "Who should you take to the nightclub to catch as much scattered ass as you can?"

OPIE MUTHAFUCKIN TAYLOR. That's right. Ron Howard is in the hizzouse, making it rain in the club. Apparently, even he's surprised, because at 00:46, he looks absolutely shocked that he is included in this video. 

Well played Hype Williams. Well played.

FFS Friday!

In the spirit of the 30th Olympiad (which is my favorite. XXX y'all. Anything that has that in it is going to be awesome.), SooperDad would like to spotlight and give his very first FFS gold medal.

Meet Mahiedine Mekhissi-Benabbad. He's a French track star. We won't hold being French against him.

His name is prounounced "doo-sh  can-oo"

Mr. Mytzlplk recently won the 3,000 yard steeplechase event at the European Championships over the July 4th weekend, and celebrated by humiliating a 14 year old.

The kid was in a mascot costume, named "Appy", and was the mascot for European Athletics, so kind of the guys that were putting on the Championships in Helsinki. European Athletics hired a 14-year old girl to greet the runners as they finished the race and hand them a gift bag in appreciation for their effort. 

This is how Mr. Mysoginist responded.

Oh, but that's not all folks, this serious French charmer had a similar incident in 2011, when in a League event, Mr. MaDouchy-BaddBadd got into a physical confrontation with HIS OWN TEAMMATE, who had beaten him. His teammate came in 9th, Mr MaDouche came in 11th :( sads.