MANday Pub Fare

Guys....I saw these at my local convenience store this weekend. And I was amazed. If peanuts or pretzels aren't your thing at the bar, I suggest you try these.

MOTHER FUNYAN BEER CHIPS.

No, I haven't tried them, so I can't vouch for the quality, but......come on. It's BEER. and POTATO CHIPS. We all win here, folks. Oh, and ladies, there is even Margarita flavored chips....

HELL to the YEAH.

Obliviously Obliviant to the Oblivion

When I was working, I managed a large branch office of a national equipment rental company. I had to multitask. I had to analyze data, file reports, observe employees, and a host of other things, all running concurrently.
As well as this job paid, I did it 24 hours a day. I was on call when I was needed. This meant that while my family was getting ready to go somewhere, I may have been on a business call, or looking up some piece of information on my computer.

And I always wondered why my wife was so pissed at me when I finally ended the call.

Now that the roles have changed, my wife is on the phone quite a bit with clients, peers, vendors, and other people. She uses the computer to extend her reach via social media, to order new product, and to research her field. Sometimes, SHE even has to do this while we are getting ready to go somewhere.

And now I know why my wife was so pissed at me when I finally ended my call.

Stay at home parents don't HAVE to be on the phone. Or the computer. There's been times where I have physically unplugged my box from the wall just because along with my children screaming, the dogs barking, the dinner burning, and the toilets overflowing, it just wasn't that important. We have to multi-task. It's a necessity, not an option.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is a great mother. A better mother than I am a father. But there have been times when she's been on the phone, and I have become a whirlwind of throwing things, dressing children incorrectly, and shouting enough curse words to make George Carlin blush.

After the dust settles, I'm left panting and drooling, and basically feral.

"Kids are ready"

All the while, my wife has been handling business. Which forces me to ask "WTF, why can't she help out?"

Until I think about WHY my wife always looked pissed at me when I was on the phone.....because she was on the other end. Duh.

So, for all my multi-tasking parents out there.....embrace your ADD! Let the battle cry be heard!

We will not back down! We will......DO NOT STICK THAT IN THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? We will be heard! There will be a day...YOUR BROTHER IS NOT AN ART PROJECT. SHARPIES?!?!?! WHO GAVE YOU SHARPIES?!?! There will be a day where we will be able to relax for a full 8 hours, but until then......SQUIRREL.

The 3 things...about having opposite sex friends

I went to see The Amazing Spider-Man last night with my best friend, which happens to be a female. It AMAZES me to see people freak the fuck out over the fact that we can go out to places alone. It's like their minds can't wrap around the fact that people with opposite naughty bits don't just jam those naughty bits into each other if they're alone for any period of time. I know it's hard to believe, but some men can actually carry on conversations and go places with women without sex. You know.....the kind of men that have been friends with this said woman for longer than they've known YOU? Amazeballs.

"You mean you no hit her and drag her to cave?!?" - PS, if you know who this is, you are AWESOME.

1. Having a person to talk to of the same gender as your partner can help your relationship.

If I think my wife isn't getting what I'm putting down, or if I think she's just ignoring me, I'll talk to my bestie. She usually tells me "Well, she's mad at you because stop being a dick. I would kick your ass too. You're lucky I'm not there." I then tuck tail, and go apologize to my wife. Having someone else look objectively at your situation can help immensely. (See: Therapist......or does that not count to illogical people?) They can tell you when you're in the wrong, when you're in the right, or when there is no solution. Amazingly, it's somewhat comforting to hear "Wow, dude, you guys are both fucked." Guess what? I am at home all. day. long. I talk to other bloggers on Facebook on their pages, and some, even personally. Some of these bloggers are..........*GASP* women. Holy Outrageous Ovaries, SooperDad! Women, you say? Yes! And some of them are smarter than I!!!!!! I know. It's hard to fathom. Some w-w-w-w-women are intelligent.

2. You can do things with people of the opposite gender without having sex.

This.......this is fucking amazing. I.......really? I really don't feel that this has to be explained, but apparently, it more than does. See....when a man.....and a woman.....have lunch/go to a movie/have dinner/go shopping/have coffee/any other activity on the planet, it does NOT mean that they are entering into an agreement upon which they are agreeing to have coitus. I know. It's MINDBLOWING. Imagine. I had to work with MULTIPLE women for 10 HOURS a day WITHOUT MY WIFE AROUND, and I was able to keep my dick in my pants. It was a minor miracle. For 14 years. I should be in Guinness. 

Fine...an absolutely horrible example on my part, but still an example.

3. Get over it.

I know for all those Mad Men fans (I haven't seen any episodes, I just have heard the gist of the series) that haven't poked their heads out, but times have changed. PEOPLE WITH SAME NAUGHTY BITS CAN BE MARRIED!!11!!!ZOMG!!1! Women are in charge of WHOLE COMPANIES?!?! FORTUNE 500 COMPANIES?!?!? What is this world coming to? I woman bash in jest, but in all honesty, I'm more impressed with women that think for themselves and handle themselves with respect and intelligence and, above all, have an awesome sense of humor than anything (my wife is one of these people).

So, yes, dear friends (on both sides), my bestie and I will be going out together again. Soon. Alone. With my wife's blessing. And my children's. Because they love her. I love her. She's the female version of me. And everyone knows I love me some me. As a final note, I have another 3 words for people that don't like it.

Go Fuck Yourselves.

Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club.

MANday Music Selection

Granted, I'm a little late on this one, and the song and accompanying meme and phrase have run their course, and seem to be more irritating than clever, but I'll make an exception.

Bros, I'm looking squarely at you. If you don't have a tween daughter, or an underage girlfriend with an affinity for bubble gum pop, you may not have heard Carly Rae Jepsen's song "Call Me Maybe". If you HAVE heard it, I can guarantee with about 80% certainty that you have heard it a minimum of 5000 times. Now, I'm fine with this video, because, honestly, Carly Rae isn't hard on the eyes. (ed. note: This is a personal opinion, and does not reflect on anyone affiliated with this blog.....namely, my wife.)

Damn you, Canada.

So, I was shocked to find out someone has outdone Carly Rae. Someone has finally made a video that markets this song to the exact opposite demographic it was targeted to. Hardcore, testosterone laden, beer swilling, carnivorous, Ron Swanson idolizing men, like you and me. 

How can they possibly do such a thing? - you ask. Allow me to introduce the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders singing "Call Me Maybe" (ed. note - Sorry Jets fans, but....yeah, not really)

Suddenly, my opinions about this song have changed. For all the bad press Florida has been getting lately, I'm sure this is a little welcome ray of sunshine. AND, the Dolphins PR team knows what they're doing, because the comments for this video have been disabled. Well played, Miami. 

FFS FRIDAY!!

We live in an overly litigious society. My mother is a legal professional, and has been the head of various paralegal/legal secretary organizations. Being overly litigious is directly proportional to not having my parents live in my garage. I love litigation. I would sue myself to keep my parents out of my garage.

So, imagine my surprise when I find the following:

Gino Romano
v.
Kim Kardashian; Diana Taurasi; Steve Nash; Khloe Kardashian
6/20/2012 2:12 cv 1320 Snow


Preliminary injunction lawsuit for a temporary restraining order where plaintiff caught defendants Kim Kardashian and Diana Taurasi "lesbian kissing and having oral sex with each other in public" at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport, and Kardashian injecting steroids into Taurasi's arm "because she needed to cheat on her WNBA game debut." When plaintiff confronted the two, Kardashian "took an entire Sbarro pizza and mugged" plaintiff's face with it and Taurasi poured hot sauce down plaintiff's pants. When plaintiff went into the bathroom, he caught defendant Khloe Kardashian "giving Steve Nash oral sex," and Nash smashed a toilet plunger on plaintiff's head.

Pro se

After doing some digging, I found that "Gino Romano" is an alias for Jonathan Lee Riches, who we'll get right
back to.....

(PS - Pro se means "representing himself" as I'm sure any lawyer would say "You, sir, are batshit crazy.")

If you don't know who Diana Taurasi is, she's a professional women's basketball player who plays for the Phoenix Mercury, and is kind of a local celebrity.

Go ahead, make a H-O-R-S-E joke. She dares you.

Anyways, the docket description of this case is enough to make your head explode "Scanners" style, but after a little internet digging, Mr. Riches is FAMOUS for filing lawsuits JUST. LIKE. THIS. Here is a list of cases from one website that are tagged with his name. He sued the Ghostbusters. I'll give you a second to read that last sentence again.

He sued Michael Vick for $63 BILLION, alleging that

"Vick stole two mixed pitbull dogs from the plaintiff, used the dogs in several dog fights, and

then sold them on eBay and used the proceeds to buy missles from the Iranian government." 

Better than that.....check out the complaint filed in FEDERAL court. Complete with his name copyrighted......and at the bottom "Due to RESTRICTIONS WITH TYPEWRITERS, this suit was handwritten". How fucking dangerous to yourself do you have to be to have restrictions from typewriters?!? FFS.

The 3 Things.....About the Fourth

Yesterday was the Fourth of July, a great day of independence from tyranny and the birth of a great nation. I loved watching fireworks when I was a kid, because that was the only reason the 4th of July appeals to school age children. It's already in the middle of summer, so you're not missing school, what the hell kinda holiday does that?!?

Anyways, as we age, the Fourth becomes about more than just fireworks. It becomes a multi-faceted day of rejoice and horror.

1) Food is cheap, and it's everywhere.

Because food and beverages are kind of like adult's candy, some of us (ed. note - the author) just love to stuff our gullets full of hot dogs, potato salad, soda, beer, chips, burgers, and any other concoction of whatever grill-worthy food we can find. The grocery stores perpetuate this by having killer sales the week of the Fourth. So after I got done eating 4 pounds of food, the neighbor's started their grill.......and I got hungry again. Let's face it.....I'm kinda the Kobayashi of the holidays in my family.

I love Nathan's Wieners.

2) Finding a fireworks show for your kids SUCKS. 

When I was a kid, I sat on my rooftop with my dad and a pair of binoculars and saw no less than 2 fireworks shows a year. Now, the shows are scheduled air tight, by region, and larger venues get priority market share over smaller places. AND you have to drive. So now, you're about an hour or more into your food coma, and you have to load up the family truckster to go watch a 30-45 minute firework show with 100 people, IF YOU CAN FIND A PARKING SPOT. And God help you if you have an obstructed view. If you're not sure, wait until the very first pop is heard. No matter from where, it could be behind you, and one kid is sure to say "I didn't see it".

AZ DOT has given up on these holidays

3) What you come home to is a crap shoot.

I had a dog that used to go absolute apeshit on the Fourth from the noise. So much so, that it literally TORE THE DRYWALL APART trying to get at the door. I always forget the damage an animal can cause when it is freaked out by earth-shattering explosions. My neurotic dog hears a leaf rustle outside, and she barks as if there's someone kicking down the front door. I was crossing my fingers to try to convince myself that there wasn't going to be a half-eaten couch, or carpeting transplanted to places where there previously was no carpet. 

Don't ask where the cat is. And don't wear your loafers.....ever again.

No damage, happy pets, happy kids, and happy dad. Good weather (80 degrees for AZ in July!!) , good food, and family made the day even better. Oh, and SooperSpouse and I kicked ass all over the Trivial Pursuit board. That was the best part. Although I do feel bad, because my in-laws really aren't that bright.

FFS Friday

Since my heart attack, Amanda has gone back to school and is working to support us in a small business. While I volleyball back and forth between doctors saying I shouldn't work, I should work, I should stand on my head, I need an elephant heart, etc., we have needed government assistance. I'm not proud of this fact, but it is a fact. I usually don't comment or post about my time at the welfare office, but today was an odd day.....

To the meathead:

We get it. You're a bad dude. If the homemade prison tats didn't clue anybody in, the fact that you held a conversation at a decibel level above that which normal conversations are held, all while cursing loudly and threatening someone's well being, did. I really hope that the "motherfucker" you were "going to kick [his] teeth in" escaped your wrath. For future reference, though, if you plug your headphones into said phone and start listening to "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna loud enough for everyone in the immediate vicinity to hear.....we're going to laugh at you.

"I'm a Barbie girl.....in a Barbie worrrrllld...."

To the methhead couple next to me:

Arguing over who spent your rent money to "party" is dumb. Especially since you weren't fooling anyone since you referenced "party" over 80 times in your argument. Especially since apparently, you both weren't at the same "parties". Everyone knows you were referring to drugs. Nobody is that stupid. Oh, and the tickling/wrestling/dry humping bout you performed for A FUCKING HOUR after the fight? A little overboard. 

P.S. - Asking me for change at a welfare office should be criminally stupid. If I had expendable income, I wouldn't have to be there. Dumbfuck.

"Y'all got a cheeseburger?"

To the security guard:

Quit yelling at the children running around and having a good time. I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say we would rather dodge them and hear them laugh, than stay stationary and SCREAM FOR FOUR HOURS. Oh, and "Security" carries the connotation that you are protecting us against something, so you might want to get your old fat ass up off your ergonomically correct chair and, I don't know, secure the perimeter of the office or something....at least secure the perimeter of your own desk.

To the little girl in front of me with McDonald's:

Your parents should be put to death. It's bad enough that there are 100 people trapped in this office, afraid to get up and lose their place in the rotation, bad enough that most of us had been there for over 4 hours, but you bring in a greasy bag of Mickey Deez and start eating your delicious golden fries ONE BY FUCKING ONE. I'm surprised and disappointed that you did not create a mob scene.

I love my visits to government.