FFS Friday

**WARNING** This post contains graphic stuff. If you are easily grossed out or just not in the mood to think about gross stuff, you should probably go now. Seriously.

This past Sunday, I got to go with my mom as she treated my youngest to B's Day, which is basically a shopping spree for whatever he decides to grab off the shelf. We went to the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart looking for a basketball, and I happened across this pearl of higher evolution.

Interesting. My dad is a hunter. He always had things for his hunts kept separately from our regular camping stuff. I've never in my life seen this lawn dart looking thing. I wanted to know what exactly it was used for, so I turned it over and read the instructions.

BIG. MISTAKE.

I'm considering veganism as a viable option. Have a good weekend y'all! I'm going to puke.

F is for Football, Fantasy, and F@#$.

Last Sunday, while waiting for the games to start, SooperPhrend and member of the Awesome Dads Club,  Daddy Doin' Work, posted this picture of his daughter on Facebook.

She's checking the spreads.

DDW commented that she was making some last minute changes to her fantasy football team, and seeing how I finally committed to seeing a fantasy league through to the bitter end this year, I got a chuckle out of it. Then DDW and I tossed around some ideas for her fantasy team. And that, folks, is how this great post began. I give to you:

FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR KIDS

Coach: 

I'M THE MAP!!!!!

The map from Dora. He knows all the routes, makes sure all the players know the routes, and repeats the routes SEVEN HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES. And he's always happy. It could be a front though. If a player didn't follow his directions, he could snap and go Woody Hayes on the players. 

Quarterback:

Duh.

Pretty boy looks, head full of golden lettuce, champ physique, and already a football player. Quintessential quarterback material. Plus, those polyester threads are off the chain, and apparently, defy time, because the updated Scooby Doo shows have him wearing similar horrible outfits. The only thing missing is chest hair, a gaudy gold chain and platforms.

Wide Receivers:

The league fined him for accessory violations.

Swiper the Fox - Hands. HANDS. This guy has sticky fingers. He always seems to show up when shit's going down also. Elusive, and apparently, invisible, because Dora can NEVER SEE THIS GUY. All the qualities you need for an elite receiver.

He could see the whole field with those peepers.

Big Bird - Because a 7 foot tall, bright yellow target would probably be the easiest thing to throw to, like ever. Duh.

Running Back:

Fucking Caillou.

There's always one player that you despise to draft, but you need him to fill a spot. Caillou may be the most hated children's character on the planet, but LOOK AT THAT NOGGIN. That kid could lower his head and run through any line. Plus the momentum he would have from throwing that bowling ball out in front of him would be a huge advantage. AND he won't have to worry about helmet hair. WHY DOESN'T THIS KID HAVE HAIR?!?!

Linebackers:

Dude needs to pluck.

Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba - HUGE wingspan to knock thrown passes away. Low center of gravity, and MASSIVE SPIKES IN HIS HEAD. Forget concussions, opposing players are worried about impalement.

ugh.

Barney - I know I said Caillou was the most hated, but this guy at one time was the bane of every parent's existence. But he can tackle. Master of the wrap tackle, once he gets someone in his freakishly small arms, he doesn't let go, he just HUGS them into submission.

Secondary:

MAKE.IT.STOP.

Teletubbies - Two corners, two safeties, used to running rampant in open fields, and apparently on the same wavelength. Don't mind the fact that they are crazy, and keep yelling for toast and random objects, including a purse. The open field tackle dance/interception dance would be AWESOME, but I wonder what video would play on their stomachs.

There you have it, Fantasy Football made for kids. Meh, at least the refs would be better. 

The Kryptonite Clause

I have used the term "Kryptonite Clause" several times before, and after googling a BUNCH, I finally found some others that have sprinkled it in meaning the same thing I do. Before I explain it, let me preface this by saying that this post isn't my normal goofy, hilarious, awesome, handsome, muscular, well-spoken self. This is a tad bit serious, and reflective.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. EVERYONE. Recently, there have been a lot of "Keyboard Warriors" that have decided to stand up and pretty much verbally attack a few fellow bloggers, contests, friends, and acquaintances of mine. I usually stay out of the fray, except when there's time to pop some corn and enjoy the public defamation of said Warriors.

Here's the bottom line. EVERYONE has their own brand of Kryptonite. This is the Kryptonite Clause. In my opinion, you cannot create a superhero without a flaw. It's impossible. Not only does it not resonate with readers, it makes it SO far unbelievable that anything surrounding the character is simply filler. No story can survive without some character flaw.

Think about it. Superman (obviously) has Kryptonite. Batman is a freaking genius, martial art master, but, he's human. Flesh and blood. He got his back broken by Bane (not a spoiler, in the books waaaaay before the movie). Spider-Man is the same. Wolverine? Crazy fast healing factor, unbreakable claws made of metal. Kryptonite? Magneto, controller of metal. Magneto's Kryptonite? Charles Xavier, psychic. Xavier's Kryptonite? He's challenged by being confined to a wheelchair. See where I'm going with this?

For those that choose to verbally attack others online, I wonder how you escaped the Kryptonite Clause. I know I didn't. I know my friends haven't. Your story must be filler. If it's not, acknowledge that you do, in fact, have the same Kryptonite Clause that everyone does, and accept that your weakness may not be the same as someone else's. Maybe someone else's weakness is being verbally abused because they grew up with it......or have been a victim of an abusive relationship in the past.....or just because they're human, and that's not the way we were meant to be treated.

The great thing about the Kryptonite Clause? It's not such a well guarded secret what your weaknesses are. Be mindful of that.

Birth Stories....Like a Boss

I was talking with a friend this weekend over a very manly picture and somehow, the discussion turned to his future offspring, and how awesome they will be immediately after birth.

This may or may not be the pic in question. Also, this may or may not be the most awesome pic ever.

Which led me to the following line of thinking.....

Sure, when the time comes to have children, you've usually lost all man privileges, but why not own the birthing story? A lot of people record the birth (no thank you), and fawn over the mother, and the father, and the new bundle of little awesome. But let's get back to making the birth story EXTREME.

The trend started by planking, followed by owling, and then succeeded by every other noun with an -ing on the end (Tebowing, Bradying, Batmanning...), I have decided to make birth-specific memes that men can re-create and show pictures to their coworkers. Here's the rundown, fellas....

Terminatoring

After the birth, position your naked child kneeling in the sink. The key to making this pose is most of all the nakedness, and the crouching position. You're going to have to be fast, as the nurses will probably try to restrain you when you place your teetering newborn naked in the sink and step back to quickly snap a pic. Bonus points if you name your kid John Connor.

Extra bonus points if your wife's name is Sarah Connor.

Ripleying
My father told me that when I was born, I was purple, screaming, and covered in goo. I tended to believe he was exaggerating, until I had my own children. For this pose, you have to have someone hold up your dripping, purple, screaming baby an inch from your panicked face, like the confrontation scene in Alien 3. Bonus points if the kid vomits on you.

Extra bonus points if your kid's tongue looks like this....

Ramboing

Everyone knows the slanted, open-mouth, guttural scream of John Rambo as he's chopping up bad guys with his M60 (Don't kill me, Greg, I'm not sure that's the right gun). Every man knows that the two single most important items that Rambo has are his survival knife, and his headband. Because every jungle dweller with a mullet needs a headband. I don't condone giving just-birthed individuals a Bowie knife (damn lawyers), so let's go the headband route. Before they cut the cord, take the kid from the doc, wrap the umbilical cord around the forehead, and drape it off the shoulder, Rambo style. Bonus points if your kid snarls in the picture.

Bonus points if there's.......let's just say "precipitation" as in this picture.

Nakitomi-ing

Die Hard is a must see for being male. It's a prerequisite right out of the womb. What better homage to pay to this tribute to manliness than to bring your newly minted human into the real world the right way. To achieve this pose, you have to get a zippo near your lady's nethers as your kid is crowning....much like John McClane crawling through the air ducts......get it?

Bonus points if your kid comes out with glass in his feet.

and finally,

McClaneing

Because Die Hard is such an epic man movie, it deserves two of these poses. Remember when John McClane jumps off the rooftop at the end of Die Hard? To achieve this pose, you must take the baby, umbilical cord attached, and swing him/her from the birth canal, much like Mr. McClane. 

Bonus points if you paint "Now I have a machine gun. HO HO HO" on the kid's chest.

Honorable Mention:
If you have some serious huge testicles, you can ask your wife to dress like a rhino, and record the whole birth process, making noises during the birth. This is called Aceing. If you pull this off, you will not only be on par with Ron Swanson's mandom, but your wife will become an honorary bro, entitling her to be allowed to call that one guy in your group "Bitch" like all the rest of the guys do.

There you have it. I have been told to tell you that I am in no way liable for any damage you do to yourself, the baby, your relationship, the hospital, society in general, the human race, or PETA for your actions, should you try this. Other than that, have a blast!

FFS FRIDAY!

If you've read this blog for any extended period of time, you know how I feel about complaining about Facebook. People still don't seem to understand that most of the time anything posted on Facebook becomes public domain......like, to the entire world.

So, in order to educate those that don't know....a website called We Know What You're Doing uses Facebook's Graph API (a program that Facebook uses for other programs to integrate with Facebook), some pretty simple keywords, and posts PUBLIC information on a website. 

There is A LOT of hungover people for a Friday morning. 

Some of you (like me) don't really mind putting your whole life on public display.....but if there was ever a reason to self-censor....this might be it.

FFS.

FBI profiles music fans? NO....

I recently started following a blog called Lowering the Bar. It's a humorous look at some of the insane cases that are filed through the justice system.

This case caught my eye. Apparently the Insane Clown Posse has retained counsel to defend their fans' rights against being profiled as a "loosely-organized" gang. My understanding of a "loosely-organized" gang is basically a group of people with one mutual interest. So......Facebook users are technically a "loosely-organized" gang. I digress.....

"Loosely-organized"...psh. Couple of CEO's right here.

The zealous fans of ICP are called "Juggalos", and let me not sugar-coat this.....some of them are FUCKING CRAZY. Some of them are white-collar workers, with families and mortgages, but some of them are just sociopaths. There's even a website for these sociopaths who have been unjustly persecuted to go so they can submit their tales of woe.   

Completely normal, well-adjusted sociopaths.  I mean, they have couches.

Then I started thinking....why are they so upset?  Law enforcement have been profiling music lovers for YEARS. If you don't believe me, look at historical statistics for marijuana arrests and overlay Grateful Dead/Phish/Lilith Fair tour dates....I bet they line up pretty well. Just as drunk and disorderly arrests line up with Lynyrd Skynyrd/any country musician's tour dates.

Look, I know that not ALL fans of any particular genre/band should be lumped together. I hate lumping. What this case does, however, is set a precedent for fans and artists who love their fans to LEGALLY protect each other. Think about it.....

All those Bielebers that you can't stand, and make fun of in public, and whose parents have disowned them and forced them to obsess over a Canadian teenager in the basement of their friend's house can now go ahead and file a request for protection from persecution.....see where I'm going?

GOD FORBID, WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT NICKELBACK!   

Look at this court-imposed legal summons! Every time I do, it makes you sad.

FFS Friday!

Remember Garfield? The orange, lasagna guzzling, dog kicking cat with an attitude? Of course you remember him. Like him or not, his comic strip is a part of pop culture, and spawned a couple of horrible, horrible, horrible motion pictures. The movies were so bad, even Jennifer Love Hewitt, and her AMAZING chest couldn't make them worthwhile.

But Garfield is a very polarizing character. You either love him, or hate him. So....what if you could read Garfield.....without Garfield?

Meet Garfield Minus Garfield. A website that takes Garfield comic strips, and strips them of Garfield. If you don't want to scroll through months of hilariousness, here's the short version.

Jon looks like he's a fucking psycho.

The End.

So this elephant and donkey walk into a bar...

**Remember that this is a humor/satire blog, and ravenous political discourse will not be tolerated. Be thinking adults, but keep your thoughts civil and courteous to those whose thoughts differ from yours. **

Since both the chest-puffing political conventions are coming to a close this week, I thought it would be a good time to introduce the SooperDad endorsed candidate.

This candidate embodies everything that the youth of the country need as their leader for a new era. This candidate is emboldened by the challenge of running for a Senate seat in the most densely populated state in the Union. This candidate puts the Woww in JWoww. (Be careful clicking her link.....there's a song that autoplays in the background.....2 guesses which song.)

This is FOR REAL. And ANIMATED.

So, Mindy Meyer is a Senate candidate for NY state in the 21st District, which is basically Albany. So she's in the State Capitol, and pushing her Conservative Republican values in a district that has historically voted Democrat. Not to mention that she's gotten her Bachelor's Degree, and is now working on a law degree.......does this sound at all familiar to anyone?

That's right....she's touting herself as the "Legally Blonde" candidate.

Good on her for actually trying to do something and not being about the standard cookie-cutter political campaigns.......but..........I really don't know what she's going for here.

These guys look THRILLED to see their local candidate.

I want her to get elected, and immediately make her victory speech. I then want someone to ask her why people can't locate the United States on a map.......