Wednesday, September 26, 2012

F is for Football, Fantasy, and F@#$.

Last Sunday, while waiting for the games to start, SooperPhrend and member of the Awesome Dads Club,  Daddy Doin' Work, posted this picture of his daughter on Facebook.

She's checking the spreads.
DDW commented that she was making some last minute changes to her fantasy football team, and seeing how I finally committed to seeing a fantasy league through to the bitter end this year, I got a chuckle out of it. Then DDW and I tossed around some ideas for her fantasy team. And that, folks, is how this great post began. I give to you:

I'M THE MAP!!!!!
The map from Dora. He knows all the routes, makes sure all the players know the routes, and repeats the routes SEVEN HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES. And he's always happy. It could be a front though. If a player didn't follow his directions, he could snap and go Woody Hayes on the players. 

Pretty boy looks, head full of golden lettuce, champ physique, and already a football player. Quintessential quarterback material. Plus, those polyester threads are off the chain, and apparently, defy time, because the updated Scooby Doo shows have him wearing similar horrible outfits. The only thing missing is chest hair, a gaudy gold chain and platforms.

Wide Receivers:
The league fined him for accessory violations.
Swiper the Fox - Hands. HANDS. This guy has sticky fingers. He always seems to show up when shit's going down also. Elusive, and apparently, invisible, because Dora can NEVER SEE THIS GUY. All the qualities you need for an elite receiver.

He could see the whole field with those peepers.
Big Bird - Because a 7 foot tall, bright yellow target would probably be the easiest thing to throw to, like ever. Duh.

Running Back:
Fucking Caillou.
There's always one player that you despise to draft, but you need him to fill a spot. Caillou may be the most hated children's character on the planet, but LOOK AT THAT NOGGIN. That kid could lower his head and run through any line. Plus the momentum he would have from throwing that bowling ball out in front of him would be a huge advantage. AND he won't have to worry about helmet hair. WHY DOESN'T THIS KID HAVE HAIR?!?!

Dude needs to pluck.
Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba - HUGE wingspan to knock thrown passes away. Low center of gravity, and MASSIVE SPIKES IN HIS HEAD. Forget concussions, opposing players are worried about impalement.

Barney - I know I said Caillou was the most hated, but this guy at one time was the bane of every parent's existence. But he can tackle. Master of the wrap tackle, once he gets someone in his freakishly small arms, he doesn't let go, he just HUGS them into submission.


Teletubbies - Two corners, two safeties, used to running rampant in open fields, and apparently on the same wavelength. Don't mind the fact that they are crazy, and keep yelling for toast and random objects, including a purse. The open field tackle dance/interception dance would be AWESOME, but I wonder what video would play on their stomachs.

There you have it, Fantasy Football made for kids. Meh, at least the refs would be better. 


  1. Holy shit- you've cracked the code. Why doesn't CAILLOU not have hair???
    Oh and the Teletubbies paragraph- AWESOME. Like you!

    1. Thanks. I'm good at code cracking. Like Da Vinci Code up in here. Love ya, Froog!