Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Birth Stories....Like a Boss

I was talking with a friend this weekend over a very manly picture and somehow, the discussion turned to his future offspring, and how awesome they will be immediately after birth.

This may or may not be the pic in question. Also, this may or may not be the most awesome pic ever.

Which led me to the following line of thinking.....

Sure, when the time comes to have children, you've usually lost all man privileges, but why not own the birthing story? A lot of people record the birth (no thank you), and fawn over the mother, and the father, and the new bundle of little awesome. But let's get back to making the birth story EXTREME.

The trend started by planking, followed by owling, and then succeeded by every other noun with an -ing on the end (Tebowing, Bradying, Batmanning...), I have decided to make birth-specific memes that men can re-create and show pictures to their coworkers. Here's the rundown, fellas....

After the birth, position your naked child kneeling in the sink. The key to making this pose is most of all the nakedness, and the crouching position. You're going to have to be fast, as the nurses will probably try to restrain you when you place your teetering newborn naked in the sink and step back to quickly snap a pic. Bonus points if you name your kid John Connor.

Extra bonus points if your wife's name is Sarah Connor.

My father told me that when I was born, I was purple, screaming, and covered in goo. I tended to believe he was exaggerating, until I had my own children. For this pose, you have to have someone hold up your dripping, purple, screaming baby an inch from your panicked face, like the confrontation scene in Alien 3. Bonus points if the kid vomits on you.

Extra bonus points if your kid's tongue looks like this....

Everyone knows the slanted, open-mouth, guttural scream of John Rambo as he's chopping up bad guys with his M60 (Don't kill me, Greg, I'm not sure that's the right gun). Every man knows that the two single most important items that Rambo has are his survival knife, and his headband. Because every jungle dweller with a mullet needs a headband. I don't condone giving just-birthed individuals a Bowie knife (damn lawyers), so let's go the headband route. Before they cut the cord, take the kid from the doc, wrap the umbilical cord around the forehead, and drape it off the shoulder, Rambo style. Bonus points if your kid snarls in the picture.

Bonus points if there's.......let's just say "precipitation" as in this picture.

Die Hard is a must see for being male. It's a prerequisite right out of the womb. What better homage to pay to this tribute to manliness than to bring your newly minted human into the real world the right way. To achieve this pose, you have to get a zippo near your lady's nethers as your kid is crowning....much like John McClane crawling through the air ducts......get it?

Bonus points if your kid comes out with glass in his feet.

and finally,

Because Die Hard is such an epic man movie, it deserves two of these poses. Remember when John McClane jumps off the rooftop at the end of Die Hard? To achieve this pose, you must take the baby, umbilical cord attached, and swing him/her from the birth canal, much like Mr. McClane. 

Bonus points if you paint "Now I have a machine gun. HO HO HO" on the kid's chest.

Honorable Mention:
If you have some serious huge testicles, you can ask your wife to dress like a rhino, and record the whole birth process, making noises during the birth. This is called Aceing. If you pull this off, you will not only be on par with Ron Swanson's mandom, but your wife will become an honorary bro, entitling her to be allowed to call that one guy in your group "Bitch" like all the rest of the guys do.

There you have it. I have been told to tell you that I am in no way liable for any damage you do to yourself, the baby, your relationship, the hospital, society in general, the human race, or PETA for your actions, should you try this. Other than that, have a blast!

1 comment:

  1. Oh. My. Stars!! That was hilarious! I especially enjoyed the Rambo image, with umbilical cord wrapped as a headband. Too funny! That one actually elicited a LOL.

    And, now I know why I never watched Ace Ventura... Eek!

    Thanks for the laughs!