WWWTF Wednesday

Yesterday, my PC took a dirt nap, and today, my netbook decided to try my coffee as a keyboard accessory. Hence, I cannot post any relevant website reviews today because I refuse to subject my only electronic device left, my phone, to possible accidental damage by my hands. Very unawesome. Sorry folks.

First Impressions

So, apparently it takes me 72 hours to recover from a 24 hour event. I had fun doing the Extra Life event, and look forward to next year! Sorry for not keeping up. Now, back to the awesome!

So, I have some single friends and family, and after speaking to them, it's apparent that women are misleading guys on first date small talk to try to get a second date out of it (or more). Seeing as how I haven't had a first date in about 15+ years, I decided to enlighten my SooperFans. 1Men are like a Rorschach Test, we say the first thing that pops into our awesome heads.

Boobs. I see boobs.

Here's some examples:

Man's Question: "So what do you do for a living?"

Women's Answer: "I'm in the Entertainment industry."

This vaguely worded answer is one of the worst answers ever. If he asked you what industry you were in, this would be an acceptable answer. If you work at a laundromat, say you work at a laundromat, you are most definitely NOT in the "Textile industry".

Back to the question. Here's what the woman ACTUALLY MEANT:

What she should have said: "I'm a highly skilled technical producer for the local television station, and I have worked on various portions of network programs as well."

Here's what the guy's FIRST THOUGHT was:

I see boobs.

Next question: 

Man: "What do you like to do for fun?"

Woman: "I love movies."

Again. Do you like to watch movies? Do you love all kinds of movies? 

Heres what the woman ACTUALLY MEANT:

"I love foreign romance movies. I ONLY WATCH foreign romance movies. I think subtitles are great, and I have no problem with the culture barriers that exist because I am transcendant of everything that exists to hold me back. We are all one."

Here's what the guy's FIRST THOUGHT was:

I see b....movies.

Finally......guys, when women say "My dream guy has to have a good sense of humor", I know for a FACT that this is the "sense of humor" they are basing that on.

Yes, Amanda, I get it. Yeah. He's funny. No, I'm never going to look like him. Especially in a pair of jeans. I have no ass (thanks Dad!). I'm still working on the sense of humor thing, though. ;)

WTFriday!

Last week, SooperFan Brenda DLR pointed this CHILDREN'S EVENT out to me at our local Bass Pro Shop.

First of all, the event is sponsored by PBR, which stands for either Pretty Ballsy Ropers, or Professional Bull Riders (no, hipsters, it doesn't ALWAYS mean Pabst Blue Ribbon). Second of all, they are giving away COWBELLS to the first 150 CHILDREN......

As a parent, there has not been a moment in time where I thought to myself "C'mon kids, let's get there early, so we can get this free gift that is going to drive me insane when you create noise until all hours of the night. The neighbors are going to love you for waking up thier baby from it's nap when I let you out front with said loud noise-making device. Then, one day, the device will mysteriously disappear, leaving you in tears, and me feeling guilty that I threw that fucker about 400 yards in whatever direction I was facing after you fell asleep the night before."

And the other object, on the left side....there's an event called "Color Your Kickers" sponsored by a boot company.............

The only "Kickers" I know of were a derogatory reference to cowboys when I was in high school. We called them Shitkickers. But hey, what better way to teach children to embrace that derogatory stereotype and showing them how to be full of manners and intelligence.....by having them call thier boots SHITKICKERS. Am I the only one that sees this?

Happy Friday, y'all!

P.S. Last day to help me reach my goal for my Extra Life event tomorrow! Please donate anything you can!!!!

 

 

 

Zombie Househusbands

Holy crap! Another week almost gone already. Maybe it's the fact that I sleep less than 5 hours a night that tricks me into thinking the weeks go slower than they do.

"Thanks for walking us to school, Dad!"

The 3 things about insomnia (to tell your dumbass friends and/or children when they accuse you of being dumb):

#1 - Doing something productive while you're NOT sleeping does not mean you're staying awake on purpose.

Look, it's either stare at the ceiling for the next 6 hours, read through the 3 week backfeed in my RSS reader, or finally get that achievement for harvesting 7 million crops in a night. I'd rather not just lay there and stare at the ceiling. 

On a side note, when you do just lay there, does your brain go nuts thinking about irrational crazy shit? Something like, "Was that a car door? Who the hell gets home this late? Maybe it's a home invasion, and they're parking down the street. I should make sure I can get to my gun. But if I get up, won't I throw a shadow to the front of the house? I have a pen in my nightstand. I'll just stab them to death. I wonder what obituaries say for death by Pilot. I love Pilot G6 pens. They are God's gift to writing utensils. I think I'm going to handwrite everything from now on. Ugh. Now I need paper to write all this stuff down."

#2 - "Micronaps" are perfectly normal

So yes, occasionally I nod off like a geriatric for 2-4 minutes at a time. I feel special when I do it, like I'm one step closer to being a full-on narcoleptic. Now if I felt the same way about being so close to having Tourette's.......

#3 - I would prefer not taking medication to sleep......unless your mom comes to visit.

When I was a kid, Benedryl was the only thing that really worked on my allergies. The downside? I was incapacitated for about 72 hours. But that sleep was the deepest, most restful sleep I have ever gotten. Now, I can't be that comatose because of the kids, chores, responsibiliblahblahblah. Besides, I think if I was really that deep asleep again, I would probably wake up to a hospital bed and a frazzled wife. 

So....I'll just keep plowing through my days, and living my nights high on the farm. Until 3 a.m. Yay.

Have a good Thurdsay!

Spending A Little Means A Lot....

With my own charity event fast approaching (This Saturday!!), I decided for this WWWednesday post to promote 5 websites where you can give small sums of money to do cool stuff.

I know everyone's money is tight and expendable income (if any) is next to none. That's where these sites come in. You can donate a little, and help make a big difference in someone's life (or a lot of people's lives!)

#5 - Kickstarter

Kickstarter.com is that show Shark Tank, but on the internet. Remember that show? People put together their business presentation, and investors decided whether or not to help fund their dream. Kickstarter is exactly like that. Regular people put together a presentation on what they want to do with YOUR money, and you choose whether or not to support them (financially). The really cool thing is most of these projects have perks for their backers at different levels, for instance, this project below is for a vegan magazine (Great....you're starting to influence me, Maggie!). For just a $1 donation, you get your name and website link on thier "backer" page of their website! Not a bad investment to get your name in front of a targeted market segment.....just sayin'

#4 - Kiva

Kiva.org is a microloan site, which means you donate $25 to a specific person or group, and they REPAY you. The goal here is to keep loaning the $25 to help as many people as you want to. Very cool website helping both the less fortunate AND the entrepreneurs mostly in third world countries. Oh yeah, and they have a better repayment rate than the ENTIRE MORTGAGE INDUSTRY.

Since Kiva was founded in 2005:

• 630,692 Kiva lenders
• $249 million in loans
• 98.87% Repayment rate

Not bad, peeps. Learn more here.

#3 - Donors Choose

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.......

Donorschoose.org is a website where teachers around the country upload the projects they would like to do with their classes, and people can donate to fund those projects. Let's face it, for all the awesome they are, teachers don't really get what they need. Creative, motivated teachers need help from outside sources. I know a lot of teachers that spend thier own money on supplies for thier classes. Guys, they don't make a fortune, and that dedication needs to be recognized. 

Here's a project from a local high school (my kids' school didn't have any), if you care to donate!

#2 - Razoo

I'd never even heard of this site before today, but it runs along the same lines of the others, except non-profits and other foundations can set up and accept donations on razoo.com. They do take 2.9% as a "processing fee", which is shitty, but hey, they're trying to do some good.

#1 - Extra Life and the Most Awesome Fundraiser Ever

You guys thought you were going to get out of this without me plugging my charity? How long have you guys been reading my blog? ;) Extra life allows non-athletic introvert geeks such as myself feel important by providing them with a reason to play video games for 24 hours straight. What's that you say? Why should I donate money to play video games? Because your donations help the Children's Miracle Network, which does a lot of good for a ton of sick kids. So, on that note.....help me out by donating here to benefit Phoenix Children's Hospital!!!!!!!!

Yeah.....3 days to get me to $500. Let's do it, folks.

Seattle Just Got A Little More Dangerous.

On Sunday, a travesty of justice was committed when Phoenix Jones, a superhero that roams Seattle streets to thwart crime was arrested on four counts of assault.

Apparently, Jones' superpower is spraying citizens with a can of pepper spray.

Police confiscated his kickass black and gold costume, but it's ok, because Jones HAS ANOTHER ONE, and expects to return to incapacitating evil-doers soon.

 

Jones, whose real name is Benjamin John Francis Fodor, calls himself leader of the Rain City Superhero Movement and is often accompanied by a videographer who captures his crime-fighting escapades.

Well, yeah, having a videographer tag along pretty much ruins the mystique and aura of being an ALTER-EGO based superhero. And what is up with that alliance name? Don't see it yet? Here.....

RAin CIty Superhero Movement

See it now?

Oh yeah, one last thing, apparently, being a superhero has it's perks. Like 17 THOUSAND fans on your Facebook page.

OK, ok. Seventeen thousand....and one.

Have a good Tuesday!

 

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night...

I've recently misplaced my sunglasses, which creates a small amount of panic for me. Not because they are expensive. They're like 10 bucks from Target. It creates panic because now my wife will catch my wandering eyes when we go out. 

Ladies, if any of your men tell you they don't, they are damn liars. Don't let them fool you. They're just masters of misdirection. While they're staring at the college student in the tube top and the shorts that say PINK across her ass, they point something out to you that will hold your interest long enough for them to get thier ocular image tank topped off.

Get over it, ladies. This is how we are wired. Even your most vaulted, iconic male figure cannot resist his encoding.

Dat Ass.

And remember ladies, it's not because we don't think you're attractive, because we do. It's just because that we can't fight our nature. I mean, c'mon. Beckham is married to THIS for crying out loud, and he's still sneaking peeks of other ladies...

MANday Declaration Number One: If Thou Looks Astray, Tell Thine Mate "Get Over It."

Really ladies. Just let it go. We're not going to stop looking.....we'll just create more clever diversions to make it seem like we're not looking. 

Happy MANday!