You can turn Aunt Mo into Ammo!

A new Alabama company, created by two conservation officers, can now fulfill every hillbilly's dream of getting thier loved ones ashes put where they were sure to want to be before meeting thier untimely demise.

IN FREAKING AMMUNITION........FOR GUNS.

That's right, folks. Holy Smoke LLC will be happy to make your dead outdoorsman/hunter's memorial tribute one to remember. From their website: 

Planning a loved ones final arrangements can be a challenging responsibility, one you want to do with care and consideration. Allow Holy Smoke to help you create a tribute to your outdoorsperson like no other. 

We provide compassionate personal service, exceptional quality, and a truly unique memorial. Our unparalleled service and overall value are why our loyal customers won't go anywhere else. We look forward to serving you! 

By "serving you", what they mean is putting one pound of your loved one's ashes into ammunition, either shotgun shells, rifle, or pistol ammunition, so that you may then use that ammunition to hunt animals...........by killing them with your loved one........

First of all, the process costs $850. And they only use one pound of ash. With weights of ashes from cremations averaging 5 lbs., that leaves 4 pounds of Uncle Jessie to either put in the kitty litter box, or buy more ammo, so that you and your favorite brother/uncle/cousin can have your hunting experiences together even longer!

From the article:

"The people we use are all experienced reloaders and know exactly what we want them to do, he said. "Only one bag of ash will be opened at a time, and the equipment will be thoroughly cleaned before the next set of remains is loaded.

Look, my father is a hunter, and he reloaded his own shells for a while. I can tell you that most likely, at least a quarter of your relative is going to get swept up off the floor.

A typical reloading bench. Not pictured: After reloading.

Oh yeah, one other problem.

People should take care in with how the meat that is shot with this ammunition is handled, cautions Robert Chapin, a toxicologist who worked for 18 years at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences.

The animal should be killed quickly by the shot, to prevent any possibility of spreading the ashes in the animal's blood, he says. The area around where the animal was struck should not be consumed.

The company puts the ashes in a hollow point rifle/pistol round, then seals the point with wax to keep the ashes in. Anyone familiar with ammunition knows that the whole purpose of a hollow point round is to do maximum damage by "mushrooming", or having the surface area of the bullet expand with resistance and basically destroy anything until it stops. Do you see why putting ashes on the end of one of these is a bad idea? You would have to lose a large portion of the meat because Uncle Jessie blew a 3" hole through the side of beef.

So, enjoy your ammo, but me and my "purdy mouth" will try something different.

**Thanks to Rob McManus at ROFLCafe.com for making my banners! Check out his site, it's full of funny web series/shorts. Be sure to watch my new favorite, Jeff Lewis 5 minute Comedy Hour!**

The Great Gender Divide

Since the beginning of time, men have been hunters, we killed food to sustain life. We go to work to make the money to pay the bills to sustain life. 

So what happens when you take a hunter out of the wilds? I think I speak for all males when I say "Thank you ladies, but getting mad over not doing what you thought I was going to do is dumb."

I have been having some issues with this lately....especially with the "fairer" *chucklesnort* sex. Let's see if I can explain this.....

When women say: "You need a red shirt for my family reunion. My great-grandparents are going to be there, and they really want to meet you!"

What they expect:

What they get:

I don't see the problem here.

When women say: "Let's go out for a drink tonight. It's been a long week, and I miss you."

What they expect:

What they get:

Still unaware of a problem....

When women say: "You're making fish tonight? Awwww, you're so sweet!"

What they expect:

What they get:

Maybe she's mad because there's no tartar sauce on that plate?

When women say: "Can you put on some music? Something good.."

What they expect:

What they get:

again.....I see no problem.

When women say: "Don't get me anything for my birthday, really!"

What they expect:

What they get:

So we remember stuff 3 hours before deadline. I call this being awesome under pressure.

Ugh. Say what you want, ladies, because if you leave it up to us, you get what you get. Remember, we're the gender that used to chase down and kill WILD F'ING ANIMALS. Don't expect us to think the same way you do.

SooperReflections Sunday

Finally...Sunday. A day of rest and remembrance of the past week and it's offerings, so that we may learn from our mistakes, bask in our triumphs, and ponder our dilemmas........

Who am I kidding? It's a whole day of recovering from Saturday, and dreading going back to work tomorrow.

But...here are some random thoughts from the past week....

I wish I believed my wife watched the Maroon 5 "Moves Like Jagger" video because she likes the song............and not because of this:

It's amazing to me how children can watch the same episode of the same show more over and over and over.....

People that use thier middle name as thier actual name should be bludgeoned until they refer to themselves by thier first and last names only.

I am definitely Team Olivia.

If you have watched the full season of Game of Thrones, and saw it coming, I would call you a liar.

The opening FMV sequence for Deus Ex: Human Revolution is AMAZING.

Sriracha sauce is God's greatest gift to man....is there anything you CAN'T put it on?

And finally...........

It's only been 3 hours since my 4 year old found out what a knock-knock joke is, and I already am getting tired of saying "Justin Bieber who?".

Faturday, Bork Bork!!

So, I heard about this National Novel Writing Month in November,and I'm thinking about flexing my impressive literary muscle and try to write 50,000 words in the span of a month. (It probably won't be a novel, it most likely will be satire, much like this blog). In order to train my mind and body for a month-long marathon of soul-crushing disappointments, I have decided to try to write at least one post a day for the month of October. I have decided today that I will try to use themes, much like other blogs, but awesomer. My goal is to get you, my awesome readers, engaged....to have you share this with your friends, and have them get engaged. The more feedback I get on my writing, the more ideas are shared with me, the better off I will be in this project. So PLEASE feel free to comment, share, invite friends, link up, or promote my blog as much as you can!

So today is Faturday, not as in "You're Fat.", more like since I quit smoking after my heart attack, I realized that I can actually taste food again, so I have been experimenting with a lot of different and complex recipes at home.

But today isn't about that.......no.........no, it's not.

All my culinary accomplishments were extinguished in one single moment. I was heartbroken, much like my daughter, when I told her (jokingly) that I wouldn't allow Justin Beiber to marry her because I like Selena Gomez too much to hurt her feelings like that.

My wife dragged my family and I to that bastion of efficiency and stuff you didn't know you needed until you see it made by Swedes, Ikea. We hadn't eaten yet, so we decided to visit thier "cafe", which consisted of a lady behind a Panda Express-type buffet serving assembly. Of course, I got the Swedish Meatballs, or as I now refer to them, Angel's Hand-Rolled Slices of Heaven. 

As I cried into the plate of gravy and mashed potatoes, I realized that for all my newfound interest in cuisine, a chinese lady in a hairnet, working in a Swedish store in America brought me to my knees with her meatballs. Sweet, sweet, chinese lady.

But, I have done you, my fair readers, a favor, and found a copycat recipe, so you too can experience what can only be compared to eating unicorn meat. 

You can almost hear the harps while you make this...

And, since I am a child of the 80's.....I have found this clip which is awesome in it's own right. Enjoy!

 

WTFriday!

At a store that will remain nameless, but a chain store, mostly found in malls, frequented by teenagers and parents looking to get their children's ears pierced, I found the following item......on thier "cheap shit" rack.

Having bowled competitively for 20+ years, I can tell you without a doubt there are no "true styles". Unless they are talking about the pins, in which case they tried to follow "making carefully" in the most generic sense. Let's use this phrase in other marketing campaigns!

• Subway: Making carefully the simulating true styles of 5 dollar footlongs.
• Mazda: Simulating true styles and making of ZOOOOOM.
• Chevy: Simulating true American styles and making carefully the heartbeat.
• Nike: Just making carefully the true do it styles.

P.S. - the store rhymes with "Flares".

It's not who's the strongest or fastest, it's who does the most good...

Let me clarify this Extra Life donation drive I'm involved in. If you are my Facebook friend, you have seen my posts asking for money to play video games for 24 hours. I have a feeling some of you shook your head behind your screen and muttered something about "...ridiculous trying to raise money by playing games", or "he does that already, I'm not giving him MONEY for it", or "this is such a scam".
Look. It's not a scam. If you think it is, I have a different opportunity for you. I know this Nigerian prince that needs to wire his money over here. Just give him your bank account number and half of his fortune can be YOURS!!
First, let me explain why I am doing THIS event.
Perhaps you haven't heard about my heart attack. I would LOVE to do the marathon/walkathon/jump ropeathon/danceathon/bowlathon etc., but I would LOVE to not test the threshold of my INTERNAL CARDIAC DEFRIBULLATOR.

"Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery? Try licking an electricity transformer instead."
The simple fact is that this event is more my speed. While sedentary in nature, and not typically a fund-raising event, it is something that I can still do well enough to finish the event. 
The point I'm trying to make is that although the activity may seem sketchy to you, the reason for doing it is most definitely a personal matter to me, and many others who have had similar experiences.
Meet my niece, Anna:

About 3-1/2 years ago, Anna woke up one morning and couldn't tie her shoes anymore. When her parents asked her what was wrong, she couldn't form coherent sentences. They took her to a local hospital, then she was transported to Phoenix Children's Hospital. She had a subarachnoid hemorrhage.

See that white stuff inside her head? That's blood. That's not supposed to be there.
From the above link:

 Up to half of all cases of SAH are fatal and 10–15% of casualties die before reaching a hospital,^[1]and those who survive often have neurological or cognitive impairment.^[3]

Anna had to have emergency brain surgery. At 6 years old.

She made it through, and now is healthy and happy, thanks to the staff and surgeons at PCH.

Anna and her surgeon, Doctor Moss.
I hope this sheds some light on why I keep posting messages begging for donations for my event.
I want to help the people that helped my family. Anyone would do the same.
I know the economy sucks, and I know every penny counts in your personal budget, but anything helps.
I have recieved donations from:

• a retired government worker on a fixed income
• a mother of 3 that recently gave birth (do you know how much diapers cost?)
• a single mother of 3
• many people that probably couldn't "afford" it.

I understand the hardship of giving money away. But give PCH the first beer of your Friday night barhop, the first latte of your work week, or simply the change from filling up your car.
Please donate anything you can. I appreciate your support and time for reading this.
Donate HERE!

WTFriday!

To be honest, I wasn't going to do a WTFriday post this week. Feeling crappy and all.....but then my 4 year old reminded me why I do these posts. 

She has lately become obsessed with singing Selena Gomez's song "Tell Me Something I Don't Know", and will run up to me, sing the chorus, then stand there until I actually tell her something she doesn't know.

I was surprised the first time, so I think I made something up, but most of my "facts" are embellished. For instance, this exchange took place in the car 2 days ago.

Ally: "Tell me, tell me something I don't know. Dad."

Me: "The koala bear is the only indigenious bear to the Australian region, and can be quite deadly if provoked."

Ally: "That's a good one."

So, randomly she has been coming up singing the chorus, and demanding something she doesn't know. The pressure is too much!! If you have any random facts that I can use on her, PLEASE post them for me. Otherwise, I will have to ship her off to the only despository of trivial information that I know of........my father. 

Check out the full video. I'm becoming a fan of Selena Gomez. And I'm secure in my manhood.....go figure. Happy Friday!