SooperP90LeanologyExtreme

I have lots of friends, family, and acquaintances who are joining the movement to get into better shape. With so many different programs out there to help with the process, there is a lot of variety in what to do. I have seen results from all these programs, and they DO work......pretty amazingly, as a matter of fact.

I, however, due to my heart condition, cannot partake in any of these programs. My favorite is the P90X, which a few people I know are doing. The goal of P90X, from what I can tell, is to exercise until you puke.

Instead of partaking in these excellent structured programs, I have created an conglomeration that is more challenging than P90X, more -ology than Shakeology, and more EXTREME than ChiLEAN Extreme.

It's called...............being a stay-at-home parent.

Doubt my results? Try this regimen:

 

Mini-Tri with Extended Posturing

Description: A mini-triathalon, involving the child carry, the phone cradle, and the culinary crunch.

Reality: Comforting a crying child, listening to your significant other ramble about their work day while they are stuck in traffic, and trying to cook dinner, all events run concurrently.

Benefit: Extended periods of using muscles unused in years. Focusing methods enhanced in order to keep track of phone conversation and tune out crying child. Internal timing tested to not burn dinner.

 

Suburban Steeplechase

Description: Obstacle course consisting of items commonly found in interior decorating and miscellaneous house fixtures.

Reality: Child has dangerous/destructive object, and is running with it. Objective is to catch child and remove object.

Benefit: Limber bodies will excel at this event because of thier ability to bend and twist to avoid collision with immovable objects while running.

 

Mock Equestrian Course

Description: Entertain child by pretending to be a horse. Give "rides" to willing participants.

Reality: The last resort to quiet a crying child.

Benefit: None. Joints become sore and ache. 90% of participants in this event walk away limping. Only recommended for HARDCORE athletes.

 

Two Minute Warning

Description: Significant other is nearing home base. 

Reality: You have been Facebooking all day, and he/she is gonna be PISSED that the house isn't clean. 

Benefits: Enhances leadership abilities by ordering children to perform tasks at speeds exponentially faster than normal. Improvisational skills challenged to create a finished product that is similar to "polishing a turd"

 

There it is. Guaranteed to keep you fit, trim, and sane. 

SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not nor will ever be tested by doctors. This is in no way an invitation to try this regimen if you are not prepared to suffer consequences including, but not limited to: insanity, fury, anger, depression, rejection, exasperation, joy, exhaustion, and sudden death. The makers of SooperP90LeanologyExtreme are in no way responsible for any injuries to you, your children, or any small house animals during the performance of these events. SooperP90LeanologyExtreme has not been approved, looked at, or even considered by the FDA, but would probably be banned for excessive awesomeness.

What I say about Hope....Hope 2012...a blog relay

A blog relay. Hm. Interesting in theory. When my ladays Slice of Humble and What I Really Meant to Say Was... posted their hope stories, I read them and thought "No way. I live in a world without hope. Unless by hope they mean, I hope Kate Upton will deliver me hot wings and a pitcher tonight."

But I got tagged, so, here goes nothing.

Like Humble, I recently had a child get sick enough to visit the hospital. No overnight stay, but an ER visit. My wife ended up taking her, and reporting this story back to me.

While they were sitting in the ER, a young boy, around age 7 or 8, rushed in, carrying his little sister in his arms. His little sister (probably 3 or 4) was having a seizure, had soiled herself, and was still in the midst of convulsing. The nurses took his sister and him into a room near my daughter's and began cleaning her up and taking care of her.

My wife said the little boy knew all of his sister's medical information, her condition, her pediatrician, her specialist, and her medications. This was obviously not the first time he's had to do this for his sister. At this point, I asked my wife the same question I'm sure all of you are wondering, "Where the hell are these kids' parents?"

Don't know the answer to that. I prefer to believe that they were on their way to the hospital from their jobs where they were working hard to provide the care their children need. The short answer is, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that this boy stopped everything because his little sister needed his help. How long do you think it took to remember her medications? Her doctors? How to pronounce her condition? HE DID THIS. He did it because she needed it. That information isn't going to benefit him. He did it to help his sister.

The boy gave me hope. Hope that the future generation may not be so bad. Hope that family will win out over vanity. Hope that empathy is still alive and well. Hope that my kids will have even a smidgeon of the qualities that this boy showed by simply helping his sibling.

Since Melanie Crutchfield is collecting snippets for her "Closing Ceremonies" on August 10th, and it's now August 11th, I'm going to tag people to participate just because I enjoy hearing everyone's stories. :)


Story of a Girl

the crumb diaries

Craughing

Willy Wonka is a Wanker

So, to make use of the interwebz while I have them, I have decided to post about something I had stored in the vault for a rainy day.

Remember Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Remember Willy Wonka, the recluse candy mogul that needed an heir to his candy fortune, so he sent out golden tickets? Remember the kids licking the penis flavored wallpaper?

What??

I came across this article, which found an later, little known work of Ronald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The 1979 book My Uncle Oswald was apparently Mr. Dahl's foray into "adult fiction".....more of a 50 Shades kind of fiction, if you get my drift.

Mr. Dahl revisited the word "snozzberries", which he used in describing the flavor of the wallpaper in the Factory. Except this time, someone was grabbing a dude's snozzberry....and twisting. Here's a hint: Only dudes have snozzberries. Yeah. Makes you wonder about James and his Giant Peach too, doesn't it? Or the BFG?

Welcome to the land of ruined childhoods. Seating One?

Edit: forgot the fucking article link. Dumbass.

Musical MANday

I heard a song on the radio this weekend and it got me giggling. More on that in a second.

The song was by Jamie Foxx, and it brought back a memory. I used to work for a company that rented construction equipment to contractors. Once, we had a film shooting in my territory, and my awesome sales rep secured the deal, so we put a ton of equipment out at the location. I didn't get out in the field at all, but my rep and I worked pretty closely making sure this deal went smoothly from beginning to end. She ended up taking me for a visit to the location (which was AWESOME, and my first and only "Hollywood" experience).

And Arizona resembles the Middle East, apparently.

Anyways, we talked to some of the people on site, and one person, that had worked with Jamie Foxx before said, and I quote, "You better lock up your wives and daughters when he gets here". No smile, no nervous laugh. Dead serious.

Anyways, this song came on, and reminded me of the video. And this is why I laughed. Because, apparently, when going to a club, Mr. Foxx keeps some pimp ass company. Forest Whitaker? PIMP. Samuel L. Jackson? MEGAFUCKINGPIMP. Jake Gyllenhall? ....ok....maybe?

And then, the ultimate wingman. The biggest lady killer out there. The first person you should think of when you're asked "Who should you take to the nightclub to catch as much scattered ass as you can?"

OPIE MUTHAFUCKIN TAYLOR. That's right. Ron Howard is in the hizzouse, making it rain in the club. Apparently, even he's surprised, because at 00:46, he looks absolutely shocked that he is included in this video. 

Well played Hype Williams. Well played.

FFS Friday!

In the spirit of the 30th Olympiad (which is my favorite. XXX y'all. Anything that has that in it is going to be awesome.), SooperDad would like to spotlight and give his very first FFS gold medal.

Meet Mahiedine Mekhissi-Benabbad. He's a French track star. We won't hold being French against him.

His name is prounounced "doo-sh  can-oo"

Mr. Mytzlplk recently won the 3,000 yard steeplechase event at the European Championships over the July 4th weekend, and celebrated by humiliating a 14 year old.

The kid was in a mascot costume, named "Appy", and was the mascot for European Athletics, so kind of the guys that were putting on the Championships in Helsinki. European Athletics hired a 14-year old girl to greet the runners as they finished the race and hand them a gift bag in appreciation for their effort. 

This is how Mr. Mysoginist responded.

Oh, but that's not all folks, this serious French charmer had a similar incident in 2011, when in a League event, Mr. MaDouchy-BaddBadd got into a physical confrontation with HIS OWN TEAMMATE, who had beaten him. His teammate came in 9th, Mr MaDouche came in 11th :( sads.

Reppin' the U S A Fo Shizzle

So...the Olympics started this week. To be honest, I haven't gotten into this Olympiad like I have in prior years. But the oldest boy wanted to check it out, so we turned it on Saturday morning. I watched Michael Phelps barely make the finals of the 400 meter individual medley.

Then, as NBC resumed it's broadcast of Olympic elven ping pong shotput (it might have been men's speed texting or submarine racing, I couldn't tell), we went about our day. My local news source later in the day committed a horrific act.

They posted this picture of Ryan Lochte posing with his gold medal 10 hours before airtime in Arizona. I know, I know, I'm crying, and if I wanted to watch it live, I could have found a way, and there's little kids in China that are still working their fingers to the bone to make your iPads (probably in the place they held the Beijing Olympics....jus sayin) (ed note: The author is clearly not thinking right and this comment in no way aligns with the thinking or moral values of the author. 'Cept it's probably true)    

When asked about plans for displaying his medal - he responded "Spinners for my whip"

After I got over the initial fury over spoiling the race in which Lochte beat Phelps, fellow blogger Holdin' Holden and I were curious (after she got furious with me for spoiling it also)....what the HELL is in the guy's mouth?

We found out it is a grill. For those that are versed in hip-hop lingo, "His grill be icy, yo." For those uninitiated, a "grill" is a dental piece, much like a mouthpiece, that is usually made of precious metal, and encrusted with precious stones. Basically, it's jewelry for your mouth. But not that sissy tongue ring shit, because GO BIG. Diamond teeth, y'all.

Apparently, Mr. Lochte is a big Lil' Wayne fan, (ed. note - full disclosure, I have Lil Wayne on my Spotify)  and to emulate his rapper of choice, he got an American flag grill. Look, I love me some Ice Cube circa 1988, but I'm not donning a jheri curl wig when accepting my medal.

Oh.....Shea.

Because nothing represents America like putting more money than the GDP of every minor country at the Olympics in your cakehole. I understand paying homage to your homeland, but Mr. Lochte, icing your chiclets is not the way to go. Need I mention that Lil' Wayne is the guy who had his jail time pre-empted because he had to remove the diamonds from his mouth?

*sigh*

Remember when being remembered in the medal ceremony MEANT something?

FFS Friday!

SooperPhrend Shemeka posted this to her Facebook wall yesterday, and it was too good to pass up.

Oh, OKC, you so crazy.