FFS Friday!

As I was wading across my RSS feed this week, I saw this story a few times.....it's.........it's just......here, read it. I'll wait.

Please...by all means, read the full article here. I'll wait. 

*deep breath*

It's actually a pretty horrible story about a friend who has sex with another friend while in this "gravy-wrestling model's" house.

But, she caught 2 of her friends having sex with each other, got pretty upset, shouted at them, only to be hit in the face with the MONKEYWRENCH that was on the floor next to the pair in mid-coitus.

monkeywrench.........on the floor......FFS.

I mean, it's alright if the floor is made of pegboard, and the tool is properly outlined, but I doubt that. 

And the Daily Mail editors deserve a big FFS on this one too. While the title makes you read, the pictures are deceiving. In the picture above you get the model portion of the title, while the "gravy wrestler" portion garners a small paragraph tucked into the middle of the story, accompanied by this picture:

GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! 

FFS, Daily Mail, way to make it seem like gravy wrestling, having monkeywrenches laying around the floor of your house, and getting pummelled by brothers of friends is all in a English week for you fine chaps.

West Side (of Sacramento) Story

Ok, this really doesn't have anything to do with parenting, or being a dad, but it is still darkly hilarious.

My wife found a story this evening about 30 women in Sacramento that got involved in a street fight that was apparently organized via Facebook regarding one woman's "suggestive post" to another woman's boyfriend.

Re-read that sentence. 

We are now using the networking power of social media to organize GANG FIGHTS.

Pic from scene uploaded via Instagram

Alright. So, without reading any further than the sentence describing the story I put above, here's MY interpretation of what happened.

Girlfriend: "What did that bitch just say? She hopes my man has a 'good night'? Awwwwww hell nawwww"

*clicks Create Event*

Friend of Girlfriend opens Facebook to find she's been invited to "Beat this Bitch Ass" Event scheduled for tomorrow night. She excitedly accepts and shares to her wall. More friends follow suit. 

Really....read the article, then watch the news story about it. These chicks were HARDCORE. One of them took a candle from a MEMORIAL (read: a shrine to dead people), broke it, and then used it as a weapon.

Yes. She took a Jesus candle, broke it on the street, and prepared to use her Jesus shank on some people.

The two people that had injuries sustained them with BASEBALL BATS. 

What the hell goes on in Sacramento that a mob of 30 crazy women with baseball bats and broken glass doesn't prompt some kind of hysteria?

Watch the video, the woman that gives the account to the reporter works at the convienience store, and claims many of them "came in to buy drinks"...........

Fresca: more refreshing than fracturing that bitch's skull.

Stay classy, Sacramento. 

FFS Friday!

FFS is my new favorite acronym. The first word is For and the last word is Sake. You can figure out the rest. 

Today, I had a FFS moment.

I got to meet our neighbor, Justin, FINALLY!

He and his wife are out tending their yards FAITHFULLY every Saturday, and more if need be. Their yards look amazing.

He came over to tell me his wife collected a "can full" of rocks, and a bottle of Visine from their backyard. He said, understandably, that they "work their asses off" keeping their yards nice, and he would like me to please ask my kids to stop. He was "sorry to meet me under these circumstances" and didn't want to be "that dick neighbor", and politely asked me to tell my kids to knock it the fuck off.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Won't happen again, sir. Goodbye, sir, nice to finally meet you.

**shuts front door**

"WHAT IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU LITTLE CRETINS DOING THROWING ROCKS OVER THE WALL!?! BRODY, GET YOUR ASS INSIDE (he was outside) AND GET DRESSED! DO NOT GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT CLOTHES ON, THIS ISN'T A DAMN NUDIST COLONY. AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GUYS GET VISINE FROM WHEREVER IT WAS PUT UP AWAY FROM YOU, AND THEN PROCEED TO THROW IT OVER THE DAMN WALL. FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?"

And, of course, working man Mr. Justin comes over when I'm into full on day 2.5 of slobiness, my look from the HauteHobo collection.....

"Kids! Answer the door! It's probably those damn HOA fuckers again. Tell them to get bent."

Ugh. Making friends in Gilbert! Gotta love it. Happy Friday all!

 

My Mistresses....

I haven't posted for a while, apparently due to a bout with depression.

My docs said it's common for many heart patients to go through depression when they realize they may not be able to do some of the things they used to do. Instead of work, I was zoning out on the computer and Xbox. Instead of not stressing, I was wanting to drink all the time, and becoming an asshole again (allegedly). 

So my wife gave me the nicest, kindest boot up my ass that she could muster, and told me to snap the fuck out of it.

And here is my attempt.

My mistresses will still see me on a regular basis, for without the computer, I could not interact with my wife's clients, impart my razor wit and raucous humor on Facebook, and post this very blog which nobody reads, except for people that want to see Adam Levine naked, apparently.

My Xbox, my baby, my fickle lover that teases me with that glowing ring of hers, and the hours of enjoyment she provides on a daily (yes, daily ladies, beat that) basis. I will never give her up, never let her down, never run around and.....you know the rest.

My wife works hard at running the business, and even takes care of a lot of the stuff from home as well. She is, unfortunately, gone from home a lot, so the computer is the closest thing to adult interaction I get all day.

But, it did get a little out of control, and she snapped me back into my awesome, radiant, glowing personality.

So, I'm sorry to anyone that was waiting for a new post (*snicker*). As some sort of catharsis, I'm thinking about writing ANOTHER blog full of rants, opinions, and more adult-centric conversation that will hopefully spark some kind of intelligent debate to satiate my desire for adult interaction. I'll post more on that as I work up to it.

But in the meantime, I'll tip my Friday ration of adult beverages to my readers, and my NEW FANS ON FACEBOOK!! Woooohooo!! Welcome and welcome back.

Here's to being Sooper.