A Private Matter....

So, for a few months, my youngest son has had a problem with.....well, his jewels are flawed. His stones are chipped. 

Ok, he has a condition called hydrocele. From Wikipedia:

A hydrocele testis is an accumulation of clear fluid in the tunica vaginalis, the most internal of membranes containing a testicle. A primary hydrocele causes a painless enlargement in the scrotum on the affected side and is thought to be due to the defective absorption of fluid secreted between the two layers of the tunica vaginalis (investing membrane).

For the love of everything that is good and pleasant, do NOT Google Image search hyrdocele. I think it lands you on some weird pedophile list, and most certainly will get you fired for being in your work computer's web history.

Yeah.....poor little guy. He's ok, and as for "painless enlargement"....I think that's incorrect. He complains every time I change his diaper. But, glad to know it's not something worse, and after a small outpatient surgery, he should be better. 

The doc thinks most likely he got this condition because of a hernia, which is scary, because if you think about it.....he exerted himself so hard, he blew a nut out. I mean...I joked about this as a kid, but I am MORTIFIED to know it can actually happen.

*cringeshudderdryheave*

I will update after he gets his surgery on the joys of sedating your child so he doesn't hurt himself.

SooperKontesst Results

If you knew one of the two actors in the picture I posted last, you either have children, or know what a "fangbanger" is. That's right. These two characters are polar opposites of each other.

The gentleman on the left is Jon Beaver, better known as "Twist" from the Nickelodeon show, The Fresh Beat Band.

 

The gentleman on the right is Jim Parrack, better known as Hoyt from the HBO series, True Blood.

Seen here with his hot ginger vampire girlfriend, Jessica.

Congratulations to Rob Mak, who got both of them right.......rather quickly........hm.

Hail to the SooperAusum winner!

SooperKontesst - Separated at Birth

Alright peeps, a friendly competition to start off our weeks! 

Name the two people below, and win the awe and adulation of your friends! Send me an email at sooperjeenyus49 at gmail dot com with your guess; first one with the correct answers wins a SooperAusum certificate! (Since Brenda DLR got the last one, she's gonna have to sit this one out....sorry Brenda!)

 

Domestic Survival Training

I was going to save this for later next week, but I can't express how proud I am that my ingenuity and cunning razor sharp survival skills helped this situation.

I was stuck at home, when my youngest had soiled his diaper....which happened to be the last diaper in the house. I couldn't get more for a few hours, so I had to do something......

And I did. Fabulously. I even made a meme comic about it. Enjoy!

WTFriday!

Seriously. I have to schedule appointments, because I'm sure my kids are 90% deaf (meaning they only hear 10% of what I say). I know now why the kids shows repeat everything 50 times...it's because until the age of 21, you don't listen the first 49. 

I ALMOST had a "moment". The below scene flashed through my brain, and I almost quoted it verbatim......

For those parents that sometimes feel like they're speaking a different language......enjoy!

Edit: Apparently, Mr. Tarantinto doesn't like embedding his work onto awesome blogs. Here is a link to the youtube video.(NSFW)

Do they speak English on What?

'Memba Wen?

I was going to save this for a WTF entry, but this was eating away at my soul.

I remember when I was growing up, the "Just Say No" campaign was in full swing. I think everyone remembers the "This is your brain...." commercial(s).....

These are your brains over easy, with a side of toast.

A few other health warnings I noticed growing up were the pictures of blackened lungs to deter minors from smoking (although that didn't help in my case), and, during the beginning of the realization of AIDS, there were safe sex notices at every turn. One thing noticeably lacking, however, was the repercussions from alcohol abuse. 

As a matter of fact, when Camel was in trouble for using Joe Camel to target children for thier cigarettes, I remembered the days of Spuds Mackenzie, the coolest drunk dog ever.

Before my heart attack, I drank very heavily. I call myself an alcoholic because....that's what I was. I still am an alcoholic because....you don't change what you were. I'm not an ex-smoker. I am a smoker. Just because I haven't had a cigarette in over a year doesn't mean that I am cured. 

I have the occasional drinks now and then......within my new limits (most of the time). One thing I NEVER thought I would see, however, is a PSA targeted at condoning underage drinking....

Here it is. In all it's glory. I stumbled across this video this weekend, and it struck me dumb. Literally, I was just shocked that this was even allowed to be showed. The video is from the British Red Cross....and it's legit. I don't know how different their culture is over there, because I haven't had the pleasure of visiting, but if they tell their kids it's ok to go party, but just remember to roll your friends over.....I'm not sure I want to go.

Please.....tell me if I'm on the wrong track with this....I want to hear what you all think.

WTFriday!

For those of you that found my 2-year old Angry Birds addict hard to believe, I submit evidence. Have a great weekend!

 

 

Swiper......No Swiping! (Not Safe for Kids)

Since I have to please my sugar mama now, and not the other way around, I decided to try to work on my appearance for my wife. I mean, who likes coming home to a man in a tank top and boxers that are a week old?

I decided to try after shave, you know, to smell nice. I have never bought or used aftershave before, so I went with guy code, and bought the cheapest shit I could find. Like Aqua Velva, but cheaper......AQUA BELVA.

Anyways, I used it a couple of times, with no visible effect on my spouse. Hmmm....strange. I didn't use it for about a week after that. 

Then, one night, I went to bed at the same time my wife did (I usually don't). She was already brushing her teeth when I walked in, and looked shocked to see me. I paid no mind, and went about to brushing my te........what the hell? Why do I smell my delicious $1.29 gallon of aftershave? Did I spill it?

My wife started giggling. She had been BUSTED. She poured it out while the water was running, hoping I wouldn't notice. I, as you may believe, was SHOCKED. I asked her what else she had gotten rid of that I didn't know about.....

I am a purveyor of funny/witty T-shirts. I love them. I love wearing them. I love people's reactions to them. My wife got rid of my really funny ones.

1. A shirt, with this picture boldly emblazoned on the front (from my youth)

2. This T-shirt needs no explanation...

And various other awesome shirts and other things from our time together. I thought these items had either been lost during a move, destroyed by the dogs, or hidden by children. I was SHOCKED to learn that my wife had been censoring my awesomeness for all these years.

How many of you have had your spouse/significant others hide something of yours on purpose?

Applying Kid's Logic to Adulthood......

I took my son and his buddies to breakfast for his birthday. We went to the local IHOP, because, well, everyone loves IHOP. After perusing the kids' menu, 3 of 4 came to the same conclusion....Create-A-Face Pancakes. Below is a picture straight from the menu.

When the order arrived at the table, the pancakes came with the strawberries and bananas on them already. The 3 that ordered started eating..........everything but the strawberries and bananas.......

I asked.."Why aren't you eating the fruit?"

"Because we don't like the fruit."

"But you saw in the picture that it had strawberries and bananas"

"Yeah, but I thought we could make our own face on the pancake."

".............even if you could make your own face, they would have still been with strawberries and bananas"

"Yeah, we know"

(I sat......brain clicking........I think my eye was twitching too.........silence.......trying to unfold that logic enigma)

And then, I thought......there are some of us adults that have never grown out of this logic stage.

Does anyone know the guy (or gal) that has the classic car, has dumped A TON of money into the car, and then doesn't drive it.......because it's "too valuable"? Or drives their Ferarri to work and home....nowhere else?

How about the aesthetician.....er.......wif.....er.......woman that buys an uber-expensive makeup set for ONE SINGLE SHADE OF EYESHADOW?

The person who rolls up to the welfare office in the Escalade? (yes, I have witnessed this myself.)

If this were the way people did business, Panasonic would be selling 72" black and white TVs with built-in BetaMax players.

Exceptional technology........inferior marketing.

My brain hurts.

Another Open Letter....

Dear Rovio (makers of Angry Birds),

I am hereby organizing a boycott of your most popular franchise because of the poor family values it promotes.

ABBACADABBA (Angry Birds Brothers-in-Arms Cartel Against Deadly Angry Birds Behavioral Attitudes) will organize against your digital nightmare. We will crush your empire of squawking pixels and regain our souls.

So much destruction.......and evil.

Why would ABBACADABBA do this? I say, why wouldn't we? Since your product came out, I personally have experienced the following family disruptions:

• My 2 year old son is now an Angry Birds addict. He throws massive fits if he can't get his hands on a Droid-powered phone. (addictions)
• My wife and I both have nearly used our devices as skipping stones after being unable to progress past a certain level. (domestic violence)
• My oldest son has no interest in your software whatsoever. (apathy)
• Persons who shall remain nameless *cough* have used YouTube videos to figure out how to progress past a certain level. (cheating)
• Tears have been shed after being unable to pass a certain level, and having those damn pigs laugh at me. (mental abuse)

So, as you can see, your product is terrible for classic family values. Although it teaches physics and trigonometry basics, the crater it leaves in family values cannot be filled with math.

I hope you take this letter seriously and cease from producing any more of your hate-filled software. Let the birds and pigs exist in peace.......for the sake of our families. 

Sincerely,

Brent Sieckman,

ABBACADABBA founder and spokesperson. Putting value in family values.

1 year down.....

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery. It is also the day before my wife's birthday, so I'm sure she's ecstatic about sharing...

To all that haven't visited their doctors in longer than they can remember, please get a check-up. It's easier to navigate the turns if you have a roadmap and headlights.

Thank you to the doctors at Gilbert Mercy and Chandler Regional Hospitals for taking good care of me and keeping my wife sane about the whole 2 week stay at thier (lovely) facility.

Thank you to the friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers who offered up thier prayers, thoughts, wishes, money, food, and everything else that was given to my family in our time of need. You are great people, and I am blessed to have you touch my life.

Thanks to all! Now I have to get back to the dishes........