Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Visit to the Gym...

After my gym rage yesterday, I decided to dictate my observations, being a gym newbie. There are all types of people that use the gym I go to.....but I have a feeling some of these generalizations fit in gyms everywhere. And before you get all huffy, these generalizations are not gender specific. Women can be just as scary in the gym too. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

The Resolutionary

Apparently, the Resolutionaries are pretty much dreaded in the gym community. These are the people who apparently make their resolutions, go to the gym at apparently the same time as everyone else that matters, and then disappear a few weeks later. I am in this category, btw, until apparently, I get accepted by the other gym goers. I think they jump me in or do some weird Lord of the Flies ceremony or something. I'm waiting for my invite.

Next year, I'm going to start renting more movies or something. This shit sucks.

The Diva

Designer "workout" clothes, not one hair out of place, and a strong dislike of that pesky sweat ruining their makeup identify the divas. If you are unsure you are a diva, here's a quick and dirty litmus test.

If you spend more time primping yourself to go to the gym than actually exercising at the gym, you're a diva.

Notice there's no pics of her actually working out? Just sayin.

I thought it was physically impossible for divas to walk and talk at the same time, but sure as shit, for the hour on the treadmill, they usually have their phones (complete with bedazzled case) to their heads for the duration. I'm not sure if these people are going to the gym to pick up a partner, but here's a hint. 90% of the people there don't give a shit of your brand of workout clothes. Just because it says "Juicy" across your ass doesn't mean that we all swoon. And, it's false advertising. I feel so violated.

The Creeper

Creepers usually sit at a station, but the time spent idle at that station far surpasses the time actually used on the station. The "rest period" is spent ogling the other gym patrons. Not even stealth ogling, either. Flat out staring like Ron Swanson stares at bacon. You can spot Creepers by an inordinate amount of sweat that is pouring from them, even though they haven't exercised yet. The bold Creepers will offer to "assist" other gym patrons. Let me tell you something. When they ask if you need a spot...............just say no.

This is not "spotting" you, ladies.
Creepers are usually spotted around the yoga, Zumba, or spin classes. Don't ask how I know. Just don't.

The Workout Hipster

This sight also struck me last night. The Workout Hipster uses the equipment in the proper manner......until they decide to switch things up. I get working out different muscle groups by switching your routine, but walking backwards on the treadmills while doing dips on the handrails is just odd. I'm all about efficiency, but  you can space those out a little in order to avoid those scared, confused looks thrown by people going the correct way on the treadmills. Also....exercise balls do not belong on elliptical machines. Just a tip.

The only acceptable use of backward walking on treadmills.

The Gorilla

The Gorilla is that guy in the gym that wants everyone to know why he's in the gym. TO GET RIPPED, BRO. He makes the most noise possible, because it's HIS gym. Between his grunts, and chants of  "One more set, bro!", the Gorilla stalks around the gym, panting and flexing like his roid contact is moving out of state. Gorillas can be found by the mirrors, admiring themselves without abandon. Don't ever struggle with your workout in the line of sight of a Gorilla. The Gorilla will point and laugh and call you a sissy. And you will get upset, until you leave and remember that you have a job and shit.

 The Silverback

For every yin, there's a yang, and the Gorilla's yang is the Silverback. Silverbacks are usually bigger than Gorillas, but have no ego issue. Instead of sneering at your workout, Silverbacks walk by, give a smile, or thumbs up in encouragement, and move along. Instead of grunting, throwing weights, and being an asshole, Silverbacks do their sets, put the equipment back, towel off, and move along. Silently. Silverbacks are what make normal people want to go to the gym. Now, if they could just kill off the Gorillas, the world would be a better place.

Way to go on your set! Want some ribs?
There ya go. Just my observations of a fat guy going to a gym in Anytown, USA.


  1. I used to go to the gym. Now I avoid it. So I bought a treadmill. Apparently, I avoid that as well. #dusty500dollarclothingrack

  2. Pretty astute observations, I'd say! Funny and clever, as always! lol

  3. Spot. Freakin. On. If we could get the divas and gorillas to go away and not come back, the gym would be a much more pleasant place. I'd take resolutionaries ANY day over those numbskulls.