Tuesday, January 8, 2013

We're all broken...

I haven't written for a while, and soon you will know why.

I am physically broken. I have had major health issues (which I repeat ad nauseum, because.....I can.), and this has led me to be wary of every little sneeze, pain, ache, scrape, bump, and bruise. My body is broken. Years of neglect and abuse have taken it's toll.

I am spiritually broken. My wife and I have decided to separate, after about a year of debate. It is amicable, and both my wife and I are working on making this an easy transition for the sake of our kids. Not being able to see my kids at a moment's notice is hard, but knowing that they have a good mother that will do what it takes to make them happy, healthy, and cared for eases that.

I am mentally broken. I revert to mind numbing tasks or repetitive actions to feel like I'm doing something.....anything. I could sit and stare at a wall for 8 hours a day and be ok with that. Some days I feel like the movie Groundhog Day, some days I feel like 300.

But...

I'm not worthless.

My body is still well enough for me to face each day. My medication helps, but my desire to be better drives me to get up, shower, and go for a walk. I can still cook. I can still type. I can still hug my children. I can still smile, and laugh, and cry. I am physically broken, but not worthless.

My spirit is rising. I know my kids are well. I know they are brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, and full of love, wonder, and attitude. I know my friends and family love me. I know that I have made new friends, and that they care about my well being. I am spiritually broken, but not worthless.

My mind is still sharp. I need to dust it out every now and then, but I can still compose words coherently, convey emotion and thought, and have intelligent debate (or not so intelligent, depending on which friend I'm debating).

I am a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. I am broken. I am not worthless.

If you are struggling...with addiction, depression, home life, physical limitations, mental issues, or any other thing you allow yourself to believe is destroying you.....KNOW. You are broken, not worthless. We are all struggling with some demon. You are not alone. You are among friends, whether you know it or not. You are not worthless.

42 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. Your last paragraph speaks volumes. I am sorry to hear of your troubles, but glad to see that you realize it is the situations and not you. I hope things improve for you soon.

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  2. My friend - you are so brave to write this - but I want you to know that you are loved - adored - admired - by so many people. I hope you can feel that love and support around you during this time...I really do. I know you've got this - and on the days where you feel like you don't - we'll have your back.
    Look, every one of us has pain in our lives - some now, some years ago, maybe some tomorrow - it's how.we.deal with it that defines us. Do we allow resentment, mistakes, or pity swallow us up - or do we say - we learn and move forward with grace and hope. I know you can and will move forward. EVERYONE needs to find their happiness - whatever it takes to get there - you just have to keep trying.
    I wish you love and light - blue skies and green lights.
    Hugs,
    DG

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  3. Thank you for writing this. I feel like such a pathetic loser right now, and I feel like it's only me but knowing that others go through it, makes me feel so much better.

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    1. So many others. Let's keep our heads up.

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  4. I totally relate to every ounce of this. In the world of internet friends, sometimes it's hard to actually feel *cared for*, or like you really have someone to lean on. I'm glad you know you aren't worthless. You've been there for me through some of the hardest shit I've had to go through, and you really made a difference, and helped me to cope and get through it. So, to me, you certainly are not worthless :)

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  5. Buddy...you just made me cry. And smile. I wish more people could see through the shit that brings us down so often. When we're in it up to our eyeballs we are literally blinded with it. I'm thankful that you have perspective and that you can share that with us so eloquently. I needed to read it. I need to believe it. Thanks for your friendship...I appreciate you!

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  6. Peace, brother. You are right. We are all broken in some way, but have so much to give and live for. Your imaginary internet friends are actually real and here to help if needed. Just say the word.

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  7. You got this. You. Got. This. And when you feel like you don't, you know we're here for you.

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  8. What an inspiring post. Thank you for having the courage to share this with us.

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  9. I could have written this. My husband and I are separating too but trying to stay friends for the kids. Broken is a good word for how I feel most of the time.

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    1. Broken, but not destroyed. You can mend broken. I wish you well, and know that you're not alone.

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  10. Beautifully written. I was broken for a few years in a row but felt worthless. I am so glad you found the distinction between the two. ((hugs))

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  11. I've only just discovered your blog but you and I have much in common. Or so I believe. I'm broken too and definitely not worthless.
    I bet you kick ass everyday and don't even realize it.
    Like this post.

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  12. Wow. I just got the chills. You are so right...broken but NOT worthless!
    Thanks for sharing. Hugs to you:)

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  13. Putting it out here for the world to read is a sign of strength. Take care of yourself, and you'll figure it all out. {more hugs} and a {beer}

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  14. I wish there were some magic way to help you get through all of this without having the pain that comes along with it. I understand that broken feeling. I know about staring at a wall for 8 hours. I get not going outside and seeing the sunshine for days at a time. And I'm sorry that you're feeling those kinds of things, too. But I'm profoundly grateful that you are here, and that because you are feeling these things, you are alive to feel them. I'm happy you know your worth. And I hope that things get easier for you as you guys do what you need to do to make yourselves whole and stronger.
    I hope you know that I am here anytime you need anything. You can call day or night. Just don't hesitate. You are loved more than you know.

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  15. You are awesome. Hope things continue to get better, bit by bit. You have lots of friends out here!!

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  16. Absolutely beautiful!!!! Thank you for sharing!!

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  17. Recommended by Yes I Really Did etc. Wow. This made me cry. I know where you are; look across the room, I'm the old broad with the haunted eyes. Thanks for writing this. A.

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  18. I never expected this kind of support, love, community, whatever you want to call it when I wrote this. Know that I appreciate every kind word, every sympathy, every understanding soul or communal pain that you all feel. I'm here. I'm glad you are too. Every one of you.

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  19. Takes a pretty brave SOOPERDAD to post something like this. You are among friends, Brent, and I hope that you heal both mentally, emotionally and physically and come to terms with the fact that you are, in fact, one awesome dude. Hugs to you.

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  20. Let me know if you need anything, Brent. You're a great dude, and I'm proud to call you a friend... Hang in there.

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  21. You put it out there. That took balls. You are nowhere near worthless. Embrace your Sooper-ness!!

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  22. On one of the darkest days of my life, I by chance heard some magical words: "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life." Know that it's true! Even though it may not feel like it, EVERYTHING does eventually get better. Best wishes to you, Sooperdad!

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  23. You are NOT worthless. You are among my favorite daddy bloggers in the blogosphere & I love you to pieces! Hang in there with all... Don't know what your physical limitations are - I also struggle with physical crap that has me not writing these days... Hang in there. You are not alone and we all love you :) Big Hugs

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  24. Damn, this makes me sad. But you are definitely NOT worthless. Hang in there. <3

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  25. You are amazing and as long as you are on this planet you will never be alone. You have us and we aren't going anywhere. xoxo

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  26. My heart is heavy for you today. I'm sorry for the pain you are swimming in. You are in a terrible valley. I'm glad you are aware that you are valuable whether there or on a summit. I've been in that valley, or maybe the one next door. It's an awful place. But, you are going through it. Not staying. I hope your hike out is quick, and if not quick, at least steady.

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  27. Sending tons of love and support your way. You are amazing. Hang tight my friend.

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  28. Sending love and support your way. You really are a Superman! I hope things get better!

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  29. (((HUGS))) thanks for sharing. You are very right in so many ways. Hang in there!

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  30. Oh Sooper, how my heart aches for you. I too have fallen victim to physical and mental breakdowns and to see how you continue to look at the positives through all of those negatives is truly brave and inspirational. You are not alone and you'll always have an ear (or eye if you want to write) in me. Much love to you. xoxo

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  31. Hang in there. I know that one bad day can feel like forever, and you're absolutely right. You are not worthless, and the battle to win against the demons is a worthwhile one, not just for your kids' sake, but your own. I'm glad they have two awesome parents who are willing to put their needs first, even though that can be very painful. They need both of you.

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  32. Yes. Broken. Sometimes physical limitations get worse instead of heal. So here's to accepting that we may not be able to so all the things we have on the bucket list. Here's to letting go of little dreams we must give up too soon, and forgiving the people who can't understand why we have to let those dreams go. Its kind of a bitter medicine to choke down, really. Your words give such peace, even though I don't know you. Thank you.

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  33. It takes guts and strength to be so vulnerable with people. I am entering this same phase as well. It's also freeing to share your story and where you've come from. People know you're real and raw and honest. Thank you for this. It encourages and inspires so many, including myself. Please hang in there. Things can always take a 180 at a moment's notice. God is always at work, making us stronger when we admit we cannot do life on our own. I'm praying for you and your family!

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  34. Oh Brent. My heart hurts for you. I remember this feeling all too well. And, unfortunately, it will hang around for too fuckin long. You are so right... just keep reading this piece of work over and over again. Read your own words. I love you. xoxox

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  35. So sorry! You are awesome for writing this. I remember feeling this way when I went through my divorce. You definitely are NOT worthless and your are definitely NOT alone! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and know you have us all here by your side <3

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  36. Thanks so much for sharing where you're at right now. Know that you have a lot of people supporting you and hoping for great things for you. You speak the truth ... you are definitely NOT unworthy.

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