The recession has officially hit the SooperDad household. Even the kids are feeling the crunch as my youngest has a bread sandwich. That's right. Just bread.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
As any parent will tell you, children are a blessing. They are good for so many things, such as:
- free labor
- maid services
- comic relief
- an uncommon amount of stress and angst
And, they are best at being gullible targets for pranks to amuse thier parents.
With Halloween coming up, here are a few pranks parents can use to scare the crap out of thier kids. The BEST part about these pranks? You can use them for leverage if you want!
Carpet Crop Circles
Use a coarse hair brush or the upholstery brush attachment of your vaccuum to make distinctive designs in your carpet while your children are sleeping.
When your children awake, tell them you thought you heard a spaceship outside, and then act shocked when you see the designs (cry uncontrollably, scream, and flail. That scares the CRAP out of kids.)
Be A Hero: Let your kids in on the prank after they are done sobbing and calling the FBI
Leverage The Prank: Calm your kids, and then tell them that you think the aliens came because they did something bad. The next time your kids act up, do the designs again, then rearrange the furniture. Everytime, add something else and make your kids put it back to normal.
"I told you Mary, you should have finished your homework. Now the aliens have hidden all of your shoes. You're going to have to go to school barefoot."
Step 1: Recruit a co-worker, or someone your kids aren't familiar with.
Step 2: Buy a set of scrubs.
Step 4: Print the picture below onto a transparency.
Step 5: Schedule an appointment with your child's pediatrician.
Step 6: When you get called back into a room, text your friend to come in with the transparency and explain to your child that they have found an alien living inside your child's intestines. The only solution to this problem is surgery, but that your friend has to make sure with the doctor. MAKE SURE YOUR FRIEND TAKES THE TRANSPARENCY WITH THEM.
Step 7: Silently giggle in the corner when the doctor comes in to see your child cower in fear.
Be A Hero: Let your child in on the prank, introduce your friend, and take your kid out for ice cream.
Leverage The Prank: Have your friend come back in to explain that the only way to keep the alien from bursting through your child's skin is to eat all their vegetables and not turn down any food offerings made from thier parents.
"I've seen this before......frankly, it doesn't look good. You need an emergency xenosectionaphy. I'll be right back with the scalpels and the pliers."
Texas Chainsaw Alarm Clock
I saw this video a few years ago, but it still makes me crack up hysterically.
The premise: Let your kids watch the scariest movie you can think of. Wake up early in the morning, don a scary mask and a chainsaw, and wake your children up. Good for guaranteed crying and years of grudge-holding from your children.
Be A Hero: There is no way. You are a certified jerk.
Leverage The Prank: Start waking your children up all the time like this. Threaten them that you want to become a lumberjack, start "seeing" trees everywhere, carry your chainsaw around the house and mumble.
There you go! Just a start to a great relationship with your scared children. Enjoy!
Friday, July 22, 2011
The other day I was doing my required household chores as determined by the SooperSpowse. For some reason, the vaccuum wouldn't pick up a tiny piece of paper.
So, I did what every normal, red-blooded American does. I picked that paper up.....inspected it.....and put it down right back in front of the vaccuum, and then proceeded to run over it another 50 or 60 times.
After repeating this cycle 3 or 4 times, I decided to try a different approach. I inspected the vaccuum and found the problem...
P.S. - The hair is from our Black Lab, who is nearing the end.....and shedding like mad.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Remember my vote for Newberry Medal winner?
It seems we have an update on the adult-themed children's book, "Go the F--K to Sleep".
Oscar-winning actor and bad muthaf--ka (it says so on his wallet) Samuel L. Jackson has recorded an audio version of the book.
Wanna know something else?
On a different note:
I've told you about some of the blogs I follow.....but now I'm asking your help to get people to follow mine. If you stalk my blog, get your friends to stalk it too! In return, I will show you some of the new awesome blogs I'm stalking and ask you to check out and support thier blogs too!
This week I start with the one that I found the "blog stalk" on. She's a badass mom of 3 (4 on the way), an artist, and pulls no punches with her expression of the English language (she regularly "rocks balls").
Well worth your time! (Be sure to read the comments. Her fan interaction is AWESOME) Please check it out and subscribe! Thanks, Sooperfans!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The new Harry Potter movie opens tomorrow, and already has sold $25 million in ticket presales for the first showing. This means this film is close to breaking the $30 million midnight box office take from the current record holder, The Twilight Saga:Eclipse.
A few of my family members have read the books and seen the movies, but my children haven't shown an interest in the books. (To be fair, I haven't read the books OR watched any of the movies) I narrow this lack of interest down to one thing.
Harry Potter books aren't available on the Kindle.
My kids LOVE thier Kindles. It was the one of the best gifts they've gotten. However, Mr. J.K. Rowling hasn't allowed Amazon to digitally publish his books.
However, she and her publishing company DID just announce a new website, Pottermore, which will have access to ALL the Harry Potter e-books for "every e-book reader available". Great! Except, the Kindle only supports proprietary formats of e-books.
So, what is Rowling and the publishing company trying to do? My guess is to force Amazon to open Kindle to common e-book formatting, so that Amazon could lose some control over an important asset.
What is the attraction to this franchise?
Come to think of it, what is the attraction to the Twilight franchise?
Wait.........I think I'm beginning to see a trend.
And yes, ladies. I HAVE seen the Twilight movies. And read the books. All of them. And I'm completely ashamed of myself.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
That's right. I know who you are. I know that you are a idea stealing scrub-a-dub from way back. Get some original ideas. I've held my tongue for too long, but this final thought robbery was too much to bear. Just remember that What Goes Around......Comes Around.
Let's examine the evidence, shall we? Or are you scared to see the bright light of truth shone upon your decietful ways? (Oh No) What You Got?
Here is an e-mail I sent to a friend. I have those. You don't? Cry Me A River.
See the date? Now....let's see this article, dated JUNE 11, 2011 in which you stated,
“There’s a need for a place where fans can go to interact with their favorite entertainers, listen to music, watch videos, share and discover cool stuff and just connect. MySpace has the potential to be that place. Art is inspired by people and vice versa, so there’s a natural social component to entertainment.”
So, Senorita, what do you have to say for yourself now? Look, I said those women you dated were hot waaaaay before you dated them. You didn't give me anything. Not even a fist bump. But my fists are going to bump all over your face. I'm going to Rock Your Body so much, you'll wish you were Dead and Gone.
If I had $35 million dollars, a slew of intellectual property lawyers, and Until The End Of Time, I would own you, Mr. T. I'm not looking for fame, I just want you to give me my SexyBack.
Brent Sieckman, Arl of Awesomeness
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Back in a previous post, I stressed the importance of the stay at home father's role in clothing thier children.
I regret to inform you that I have failed at this task. I believed my 4 year old was responsible enough to clothe herself in a proper manner.
Remember, that we live in Arizona........where it was 110 when this picture was taken.......and we had to walk to pick up her sister from the school bus stop.......